Title: 30 Seconds
Author: Susan 
E-mail: touchstone98@tx.rr.com
Classification: story
Keywords: Mulder angst, Scully angst, DAL
Rating: PG
Archive: No archive without permission.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to each other, not me.

Author's Notes: I am not a doctor, nor am I a nurse, but I 
tried to make the medical information in this story as 
accurate as I could.  If I made a mistake with any of the 
terminology or symptoms, I apologize to those of you in the 
medical profession.:)

As many of you know, my specialty is writing poetry, not long 
stories.  This is my first XF novel and to say that it's been 
a challenge would be putting it mildly.  It's been the most 
frustrating, yet most exhilarating thing I've ever written, and 
I would very much like to know if you enjoyed it.

More author's notes at the end...

Summary: After Mulder is blinded in an explosion, he has to
find a way to deal with his loss of sight, and Scully has to 
deal with her guilt.
*****************************************************************

30 Seconds
by Susan 
~~~~

April 18
Friday 1:20 am

He's blind.

I only left him for a moment and now he's blind.

*Mulder...is...blind...*

I can barely bring myself to think the words, let alone say 
them.

Mulder is blind, and it's my fault. I know I should've stayed 
with him, but I was only gone 30 seconds, if even that.

30 seconds was all it took.

30 seconds to shatter his life.

And mine.

~~~~

Darkness.

That's all I could see.  That's all I could feel.  It was if 
I no longer existed.

I had no idea where I was or if anyone else was even with me.  
All I remembered was an explosion of light...and then nothing.

*Scully. Oh my God. Where's Scully?* 

I tried to move, but my body wouldn't.  I wanted to speak, but 
I couldn't make my voice work.  I tried to open my eyes, but 
an agonizing pain ripped through me.

All I could do was silently scream and hope that someone heard 
me.

~~~~

I haven't left his side since they brought him back from surgery. 
I was afraid I'd miss something if I left for even a moment.

I didn't want to make that mistake again.

The man lying here looked nothing like Mulder.  When I looked at
him, all I saw were bandages and cuts and stitches and stillness.

This man was broken.  This man wasn't Mulder.  

His head was carefully positioned between two small pillows, and 
his eyes were hidden underneath some bulky bandages. His chin had 
a deep gash on it, and his cheeks were covered with cuts.  His 
skin looked raw, exposed, angry.
  
Although his wonderfully imperfect nose had been spared any major
trauma, his mouth wasn't so lucky.   His lips, once so soft and
smooth, were now surrounded by stitches.  I could see that the 
surgeons did a meticulous job on them, but the placement of the 
stitches would make it painful for him to talk.

His arms and hands were also ravaged with lacerations.  Jagged 
trails of stitches zigzagged up and down his arms and along the 
tops of his fingers. He'd have these scars the rest of his life.

My scars would be on the inside.

~~~~ 

It was still dark.

*Scully, where are you?  Are you okay or have you been taken away
from me again?*

I could hear muffled sounds, but I couldn't tell if I was hearing 
them in my mind or if someone was actually speaking. I tried to 
concentrate, willing myself to hear something, anything about what
was happening to me.

Wait...I thought I heard something.

The voice was soft, but the words were precise.  It was you.  A 
flood of relief washed over me.  You were finally here.

I tried to reach out to you, but it felt like the skin was being 
torn from my hand.

All I wanted to do was touch you.

And I couldn't.

~~~~

I listened as Dr. Becker told me about your condition, but it was 
difficult to concentrate on what he was saying.  He said that 
although your eyes suffered serious trauma, you were lucky you 
had no internal injuries.  He told me that you were lucky the 
ambulance had gotten you here so quickly. He also said that
considering what you had been through, you were lucky to even be 
alive.

I looked at you and all I saw were bandages and blood and hundreds 
of stitches.

How was that lucky?

Dr. Becker also told me about the surgery he had performed on your
eyes, but I was barely listening to him.  I couldn't take my eyes 
off of you.  If only I hadn't left you alone in that alley. If 
only I had stayed with you instead of going inside the building. 

I was only gone 30 seconds, if even that.

I thanked Dr. Becker for all that he'd done and told him that I'd
talk to him later.  Right now all I wanted to do was be with you.  

After the door closed behind him, I sat down next to your bed.  
It was the first time we'd been alone together since the explosion.  

The explosion. Shattered glass. Smoke. Blood all over you. You
saying my name. Then silence.

I looked at you, and my entire body started to tremble. I tried to 
steady myself, but I couldn't.  My hands shook, my chest tightened.  
Tears uncontrollably poured down my face.  I tried to wipe them away 
with my hands, but there were too many.  They just kept coming, 
falling onto the floor in a cold sterile puddle.
 
You were broken, and it was my fault.

~~~~

I kept trying to listen for your voice, but all I heard were 
shadowy echoes rattling around in my head.  I knew you were 
here though.  I could feel your presence.

I wanted to say your name.  I wanted to hold you and make sure 
you were okay, but I was completely powerless.

Just then, I felt a gentle weight press against my stomach. It 
was you.  You were resting your head on me, and there wasn't a 
damn thing I could do to let you know that I was awake.

I wasn't sure, but I thought I felt a wetness beginning to seep 
through my sheets. Was I bleeding? I listened carefully. It was 
faint at first, but then there was no mistaking what I heard. 
You were crying.  I could feel your head moving against me as 
the sheet draped across my stomach became soaked with your tears.

You kept saying my name over and over again.  I took a few deep 
breaths, gritted my teeth, and slowly tried to raise my hand.  
Oh God.  It hurt like hell, but I had to touch you. 

You needed me to.

~~~~

I couldn't stop myself. My tears were spilling all over him. If I 
didn't stop this, I was going to have to call a nurse in here to 
change his sheets.  Having someone see me so out of control was 
not what I needed.

I needed to be strong now.  I needed to be even stronger for him.

I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to compose myself. As my 
head rested against his firm stomach, I began to feel more relaxed.  
His steady breathing calmed me. I closed my eyes and tried to clear 
my head.

I was startled to feel the tips of his fingers against my cheek. 
His breaths were labored, and I could tell it was taking every 
ounce of strength he had to touch me.

"Mulder, I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  You're going to be okay.  I'm 
right here," I whispered.  I gently slid my hand underneath his 
and pressed my fingers into his palm.

He grimaced as I carefully placed his hand back down on the bed.  
"Everything's going to be okay, Mulder.  Just relax.  I'm not 
going anywhere."  

I laid my head back down on him and lightly touched his chest with 
long reassuring strokes. It didn't take long before I felt my own 
eyelids getting heavy as I was gently rocked to sleep by the steady 
rhythm of his breathing.  

He was going to be okay.  

He had to be.

~~~~

Saturday, April 19
6:30 am

I opened my eyes and rubbed them. My muscles ached, my mouth was 
dry, and it took me a moment to realize where I was.

"Good morning, Miss Scully.  You don't look so great. These 
hospital cots aren't very soft, are they?" asked the nurse.

I could see on her identification badge that her name was Christine.  
She was an older lady with curly brown hair, broad shoulders, and 
a pleasant smile.  She walked with a slight limp, though it didn't 
seem to bother her.  

I sat up and looked down at the cot beneath me.  "How did I end 
up here?" 

"Honey, you were so out of it last night, I thought it'd be more 
comfortable if you slept alone on this cot instead of with your 
...um...friend," stammered Christine.

"What do you mean?" I inquired. I was still feeling kind of groggy
and had no idea what she was talking about.  

"Well, when I came in to check on Mr. Mulder last night, you were
lying in his bed.  Now I'm a modern kind of gal, but honey, I wasn't 
quite sure that was what you should've been doing, especially with 
you being an FBI agent and all," Christine stated matter-of-factly.

"Agent Mulder is my partner and I was very worried about him.  I 
wanted to make sure he was resting comfortably before I left him 
alone last night.  I must've fallen asleep, that's all," I said 
rather defensively.

Christine bent her head down closer to mine and whispered, " Now 
I'm not one to go around gossiping, but when I helped you off of 
his bed and into that cot last night, you were mumbling some pretty 
heavy stuff...you know, like how sorry you were and how you couldn't 
stand to lose him.  Now it's none of my business, but it sounded to 
me like you and your partner here are more than just friends. You 
don't have to worry about me though, honey. Your secret's safe with 
me."  Christine smiled at me as she walked over to Mulder's bed. 

I had only just met this woman, but there was something in her eyes 
that told me she understood. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't say 
anything about this to anyone else," I stated rather softly. Her 
smile was reassuring, and I felt that I could trust her. 

I got out of the rickety cot, stretched my neck from side to side, 
and stood next to her beside Mulder's bed.  "How's he doing?"

"Considering what he's been through, he had a pretty restful night.  
His blood pressure remained steady throughout the night, his stitches 
looked good, and his eyes didn't seem to bother him too much.  Of 
course, we've been giving him quite a bit of Meperidine for the pain, 
which is probably why he's been doing okay so far. Dr. Becker should
be in sometime this morning, and he can tell you more than I can.  
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to check your partner's vitals.  
You can stay in here if you like."

I thanked her and watched as she carefully went about checking 
Mulder.  It seemed so strange to see him lying there so still. 
He's usually so busy all the time, reading, working, trying to 
find answers.   

I don't like seeing him like this.

"He still seems to be pretty out of it. Why don't you go home, get 
cleaned up, and come back?  I'm sure you'll feel much better after 
you take a hot shower and have something to eat," said Christine.

I didn't really want to leave Mulder, but I knew she was right.  My 
hair was a mess, my clothes were dirty, and my stomach was rumbling
with hunger.  If I hurried home, I could shower, eat some breakfast, 
and get back before Dr. Becker came to check on Mulder.

"You're right.  I probably should freshen up a bit. I don't want 
Mulder to wake up and see me looking like this."

As soon as the words left my mouth, reality hit me with suffocating
force.

He can't see me.

He's blind.

Mulder...is...blind.

I felt trapped.  

I had to get out of this room, and I had to get out now.

"Thank you, Christine.  I'll be back," I sputtered as I quickly 
hurried out.

As soon as I was on the other side of the door, I closed my eyes 
and took some deep breaths.

*Calm down.  Just calm down.  He's going to be okay.*

When I opened my eyes, I saw Skinner walking down the hallway. I 
quickly tried to fix my hair and straighten up my rumpled clothes.

He had a serious expression on his face, but it was also one of 
concern.  He reached out and touched my arm.  "How's he doing, 
Agent Scully?"

"His nurse told me that he made it through the night without any 
major problems, and that his doctor should be in sometime this 
morning to check his eyes.   I was expecting you to show up last 
night, sir.  Where were you?"

We walked over to the waiting area and found a couple of chairs to
sit in away from the other people that occupied the room.  Skinner
leaned towards me and quietly said, "I was here last night, Scully,
but when I went into Mulder's room, you were sleeping and I didn't
want to wake you.  I know how difficult last night was for you, but
I thought that under the circumstances, it was best just to wait 
until this morning to talk to you."

Even though I didn't look or feel the part, I suddenly found myself 
going into professional mode.  "What did the bomb squad come up 
with?  What did they find in the alley?  Did the police pick up 
Hutchison?  I don't care what it takes.  I want that man found and 
I want him to pay for what he did."  It took every ounce of control
I had to keep from shouting, which in turn, left me with no energy 
to stop the tightness I felt in my chest. 

"Take it easy, Agent Scully.  Now you've already told me how 
Mulder's doing, but I want to know how you are." 

He looked down at my bandaged hands.  I had gotten a few cuts from
pulling pieces of glass off of Mulder, but nothing that required 
stitches.

"Should I be worried about you too?"  
  
"I'm fine, sir."

Skinner knew perfectly well that I wasn't fine, but I think he 
also knew that it was useless to argue with me on such matters. 

"I'll tell you all I know so far, but then I think you should go 
home and get some rest."

"Just tell me what you found out."

"Hutchison is dead." 

I felt a whoosh of air escape through my lips and an immediate 
sense of calm.  "How?"

"Apparently, he died by his own hands.  According to the police 
officer I talked to, one of his little specialty bombs blew up right 
in his face.  At about midnight, they received a 911 call about a 
small explosion over at his ex-wife's apartment building. It seems 
Hutchison wanted to leave one last 'present' for his wife before 
skipping town.  He was setting up some explosives outside her front
door in a vase of flowers when it prematurely exploded.  The pieces 
of the shattered vase hit him with quite a bit of force.  I guess 
one of the pieces cut open an artery, and he bled to death."

I listened to Skinner, but what he said just sank to the bottom of 
me like a cold hard stone.  So, the man bled to death.  Was I 
supposed to feel sorry for him?  The damage was already done.   

Served him right.

"Are you alright, Agent Scully?" asked Skinner, trying to pull me 
back into the conversation.

"Yes, sir.  I'm okay.  I was just thinking about how senseless this 
all is.  Mulder's lying there in that hospital bed, because of some 
man he never met.  Now that man is dead, and Mulder may be blind 
for the rest of his life.  Where's the sense in that?"  I asked 
without really expecting an answer.

Skinner put his hand back on my arm and said, "I know how hard 
this is, but you and I both know how resilient Mulder is. He's 
going to get through this.  It's just going to take time." 

I looked into his eyes, and I knew he was right.  Mulder would 
get through this, and I was going to do everything in my power 
to make sure of it.

"So, what did the bomb squad come up with from their search in 
the alley?" I asked.  Skinner's calmness about the whole situation 
was comforting, and I could feel the tenseness in my body easing 
up somewhat.

Skinner pulled out a small notepad.  "I talked to a Mark Thomas, 
who was heading up the investigation, and from what they could 
tell, Mulder must've found the bomb somewhere near the building, 
realized it was about to blow, and then threw it into the dumpster 
in the alley.  By throwing it in there and closing the lid, he was 
able to cut down on the impact the bomb would've had if it had 
exploded out in the open next to the store.  Unfortunately, the 
bomb was strong enough to blow the lid open.  That's why Mulder 
got pelted with so much glass.  The bomb squad determined that 
most of the shattered glass was from beer bottles that had been 
thrown into the dumpster."  

Skinner stopped for a moment, bent down closer to me, and said, 
"I realize it's of no consolation to you at the moment, but 
Mulder's quick thinking last night saved Lowrey's Quik-Mart from 
a hell of a lot of damage, as well as saving the people inside 
from getting hurt.  Everyone's been calling him a hero for what 
he did."

Damn it.

I had just started to feel a little bit more under control and 
then Skinner had to go and say something like that.  Doesn't 
he know that I already consider my partner a hero?  

So much of my own strength comes from him...his determination, 
fearlessness, and passionate belief in the truth are what keep 
me going.

I see Mulder as a hero every day I work with him.

I felt myself hovering on the edge of tears, but I tilted my 
chin up and firmly stated, "I know what kind of man Agent 
Mulder is, sir."

A slight smile crossed Skinner's face as he nodded in agreement. 
Then he asked, "Exactly what happened out there, Agent Scully?"

I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a small notebook. 
After the explosion, I don't know how I managed to breathe, let 
alone write in this book, but while Mulder was in surgery I had 
managed to jot down a few notes about what happened.

"After looking at the dates on which Hutchison left previous bombs
and the places he left them, Mulder was able to come up with a 
pattern.  Using that pattern and going on a hunch, he then called 
the ex-wife Carol.  When she mentioned Lowrey's, Mulder just knew 
it was the next place Hutchison would go."

"But why did he think Hutchison would make his next move last
night?"

"Simple arithmetic."  I took my notebook back from Skinner and 
flipped to the next page.  "The Calloway explosion was on March 
28, Austin's was April 2, Randolph's on the 7th, and Oakridge on 
the 12th.  Hutchison was leaving bombs every five nights.  Since 
Hutchison was so into word and number games, Mulder figured 
he'd also be into mind games."

"I'm not following, Scully. What's the significance of every five 
nights?"

"He chose five because that's how many years he was married to 
Carol before they divorced."

Skinner shook his head in amazement. "No one but Mulder would've
figured that out." 

"As soon as he put all the pieces together, he wanted to get over 
to Lowrey's as soon as possible to check things out.  He just had 
this really strong feeling that something was going to happen last 
night, and you know how Agent Mulder is when he gets that way."  

Skinner looked at me as if to say 'Yes, I do know.' "What did you 
do once you got there?"

"We went inside the store at approximately 10:15 PM and looked 
around.  Everything seemed to be okay in there so we started 
looking around the outside of the building. The front area checked 
out all right so we went around to the alley.  I searched one end 
of the alley and Mulder searched the other.  Neither of us found 
anything suspicious, but Mulder thought that I should go check 
inside the store one more time just to be sure while he did another 
check of the alley. I wasn't inside the store more than 30 seconds 
when I heard the explosion.  I immediately ran back to the alley,
and that's when I saw Mulder. You know the rest..." 

I closed my eyes for a moment, reliving the sight of Mulder covered
in blood and glass.  My body tensed up, and suddenly, I wanted 
nothing more than for this conversation to be over.

"If you don't need anything else from me, I think I'd like to go 
home now, sir.   I want to get cleaned up and come back so I can
talk to Mulder's doctor about his prognosis."

"No, Scully, that's all I need to know for now.  Go home and take
care of yourself.  I'm going to go look in on Mulder, and then 
I'll be at the office the rest of the day if you need anything."  

I knew that he needed more information from me, but I was glad that
he didn't push it.  I just didn't want to talk about it anymore.  
Besides, how could I tell him that it was my fault Mulder was lying 
in that bed?

After Skinner left, I sat in the waiting room.  As much as I wanted
and needed to get home, I just wasn't ready to leave yet.  What if 
Mulder called out for me and I wasn't there?  I had a horrendous 
headache and was completely exhausted, but I just couldn't bring 
myself to walk out of the hospital.  I decided to get some coffee 
from the vending machine.  If after drinking it, Mulder was still 
sleeping, then I'd go home and get the rest I so desperately needed.

~~~~

I woke up to darkness.

It felt like hundreds of tiny knives were cutting into my arms and
face.  I tried to voice my pain, but it felt like my mouth was being 
ripped into several different directions.

I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn't.  They felt like they'd 
been sewn shut.

Damn it, I couldn't open my eyes.  What the hell happened to me?

I felt my chest tightening up as a suffocating panic swept across 
my body.  My breaths became quick and shallow, and I could hear 
the beeps on the monitor next to me speed up.

I heard footsteps.  

Is that you, Scully?

The door opened, and I heard a cheerful voice say, "You're up bright 
and early this morning, Agent Mulder."

The voice wasn't Scully's, and that upset me even more.  I tried to
take some deep breaths to calm myself, but I couldn't.  My efforts 
only seemed to make things worse.

All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my knee, and I jolted my leg up 
in the air.  "I see you haven't lost your reflexes."  I heard her 
chuckle, and I could tell she was leaning over me now. 

"My name's Christine and I'll be your nurse for the next few days.   
I know how frustrating it is not being able to tell me what you need, 
but you've got to relax, Agent Mulder.  Just try to take some deep 
breaths, okay?" 

Her voice sounded firm, competent, caring.  Actually, the way she 
spoke reminded me of Scully.  I tried to take even breaths; 
breathing in through my nose and blowing out of my mouth, but it
was difficult.  My mouth throbbed with each breath, but little by 
little I could feel myself relaxing.  

"According to your chart, it looks like you're about ready for 
another dose of pain medication. That'll help you relax even more. 
Just keep on breathing like that and then we'll see if we can't 
figure out what's upsetting you so much."

I hated feeling so helpless, but there was something in Christine's 
voice that was very reassuring to me.  Although I couldn't feel it, 
I could tell she was putting some medication in my IV.  I knew it
wasn't able to work that fast, but I was already beginning to feel 
somewhat calmer. 

"Now, what is it you want, Mr. Mulder?  I know how hard it is for 
you to talk with all those stitches around your mouth so I'll just 
ask you some questions and you tell me yes or no by tapping your 
finger on my hand.  Tap twice for yes and once for no.  Do you 
understand?"

My fingers were stiff where they had been stitched, but I tapped 
my index finger on her hand twice.

"Is there someone you want me to call?  Is that what you want?"

I tapped my finger twice again.

"Do you want me to call someone in your family for you?"

One tap.

"Do you want me to call that lovely partner of yours?"

I quickly tapped my finger twice on her hand and I could feel my
breaths quickening again.  She called Scully 'my lovely partner.'
That must mean they've already met.  That's good.  Maybe she
knows how badly I want Scully here. 

"So, you want me to get Agent Scully for you, huh? I had a feeling 
that's what you were wanting to tell me from the moment I walked 
in here.  You know, she spent all night in here with you. Wouldn't 
leave your side, as a matter of fact.  I set up a cot for her so 
she'd be more comfortable.  She was very concerned about you."

That's my Scully.  I knew she wouldn't leave me.  Probably gave
the doctors hell last night too, told them what to do and when 
to do it.  Normally the thought of Scully in take-charge mode 
brings a smile to my face, but no matter how much I wanted to, I 
just couldn't do it this morning.  My mouth hurt too much.

Christine's voice startled me out of my thoughts. "The last time I
talked to Agent Scully, she said she was going home to get cleaned
up and have some breakfast.  I believe she said she'd be back later
this morning to see you and talk to your doctor, Dr. Becker.  I get
the feeling you don't want to wait that long though, do you?"

Who is this nurse?  How does she know me so well when she's never
even talked to me?  Her insight into me was almost...spooky.  

I quickly tapped my finger twice against her hand and then did it
again to make sure she understood just how important it was for me
to see Scully.  I really needed her here.  I needed to know that 
she was okay.  

I really couldn't remember much about last night, except a bright 
flash of light and trying to shield myself from flying glass. Then 
it was dark.

Very dark.

I needed Scully to tell me what happened, fill in the blanks for 
me.  I needed her reassurance.  I needed her to tell me what was 
going on, but most of all, I just needed her to touch me.

The simple touch of her hand would make things right.

It always does.

"Take it easy, Mr. Mulder.  I know what you want now, and I'll see 
what I can do about it.  The last time I saw Ms. Scully she was in 
the waiting room talking to an older man with glasses.   You got 
nothing to worry about though.  It looked like they were just 
talking about FBI stuff."

*Geez, just how much did this woman know about Scully and me?*

"Let me go check the waiting room and see if she's still there. If 
she's not, I'll give her a call for you.  I'm sure she'll get here 
as soon as she can, especially now that you're awake."  Christine 
started to move her hand out from underneath my fingers, but I 
pressed my hand down against her palm.

"What is it, Agent Mulder?  Is there something else you need?"

"Thank...you," I tried to whisper.  I don't think my words were 
very intelligible, but somehow Christine knew exactly what I was 
trying to say because she replied with a heartfelt "You're welcome."

~~~~~~~~~~

I finished my cup of coffee about ten minutes ago, but I just 
couldn't bring myself to leave.  If anything, the caffeine in the 
coffee only made my headache worse.  My arms and legs were limp 
with exhaustion, and the longer I sat here, the more I didn't want 
to get up.   

I put my elbows on my knees, tipped my head down, and rested my 
chin in my hands.  I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head, 
but all I kept seeing was you.

Awkwardly staggering towards me, blood streaming down your arms.
 
Frantically brushing the glass off of your face, blood pooling 
around your tightly squeezed eyes.

Quietly saying my name before passing out, blood flowing over your
torn lips.

There was just so...much...blood... 

I tried to block out the images flashing before me, but I couldn't.  
It was as if I was being forced to watch the same cruel slide show 
over and over.

"Agent Scully, are you okay?"

My eyes immediately flew open as my head jerked upright.  It was 
Christine.  She put her hand on my shoulder and repeated the 
question. "Are you okay, Agent Scully?"  

Without waiting for me to answer, she said, "You don't look so 
good, honey.  I thought you told me you were going home to rest.  
What are you still doing here anyway?"

I sat up a little straighter and brushed the hair out of my eyes.  
"I just sat down for a minute to drink some coffee.  I thought it 
might help my headache. In fact, it did make me feel better, so 
if you'll excuse me, I'd like to go look in on Agent Mulder one 
last time before I leave." 

Christine gave me a skeptical look.  I knew she didn't believe me. 
After all, why would she?  All she had to do was take one look at 
me.   

All of a sudden, it dawned on me that she probably came in here to 
get me for some reason.  I jumped out of my chair and immediately 
asked, "Is Agent Mulder alright?  Did something happen?"

"Yes, something did happen."  A smile spread across Christine's 
face.  "He wants to see you."

Before she had a chance to say anything else, I rushed past her and 
headed towards Mulder's room.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. The broken body I
cried over the night before was now actually moving around a little 
bit.  Mulder's head was propped up between two pillows, and the 
bulky cloth bandages that covered his eyes last night had been 
replaced with two smaller gauze-like bandages.  Each arm was also 
propped up on its own pillow.

All the cuts on his arms that looked so red and angry last night 
seemed to have calmed down.  The skin on his face no longer looked 
pale and he had grown quite a bit of beard stubble overnight.

He looked better than he did last night, but I still hated seeing 
him lying there.  Sure, he's been in plenty of hospitals before,
but this time he was incapacitated in a way that was different 
from all the other times.

This time when he woke up, he wouldn't be able to see me.

And I wouldn't be able to see him.

I walked into the room and before I could say anything, Mulder 
turned his head towards me and whispered, "Scul...lee."

"Hey, you, how are you feelin'?" I managed to ask without my 
voice cracking.

"Been...better," Mulder replied in a raspy whisper.  

I pulled up a chair next to his bed, sat down, and carefully 
leaned over him.  I brushed some stray hairs off of his forehead, 
then rested my right hand on his shoulder, being sure not to bump 
any stitches or disturb his IV line.  I placed my left hand 
underneath his right hand so our palms were face to face.  

Mulder's fingers moved along my palm, traveling across the bandages 
that were put on a few of the cuts I had gotten from pulling glass
off of him.

"You...okay?"

"I'm fine, Mulder.  It's just a few cuts, that's all."  I moved my 
hand from his shoulder and gently brushed it across his cheek. "Do 
you know where you are?"

"Yes."

I scooted my chair closer to him and rested my arm on the bed next 
to his leg.  "Do you remember what happened to you last night?"

"Not much."

Mulder tried to lick his tender swollen lips and spoke in a voice 
barely above a whisper, "Scully." 

I bent down closer to his face so I could hear him.  "Yes, Mulder, 
what is it?"

"It...hurts."
  
The honesty of those two words cut through me like a knife.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

In all the time we've been partners, Mulder has never once 
admitted to me that he was in pain...until now.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

I bit my lip to keep it from quivering and closed my eyes for a 
moment.  I could feel tears starting to pool in the corners of my 
eyes, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop them.

I reached over and lightly stroked his forehead, being careful not 
to touch any of the sensitive spots.  "Tell me what I can do to 
make you more comfortable, Mulder."

"Stay."

*I'd stay with him the rest of his life if he asked me to.*

"I'm not going anywhere."  I stopped stroking his forehead, wiped 
away a few stray tears that were starting to make their way down 
my cheeks, and calmly said, "I'll be right here for as long as you 
want me to be.  Just rest now, okay?"  

I placed one hand back in his and rested the other one lightly on 
his stomach.  Almost instantly, I could feel him relax.  I couldn't 
see his eyes, but I could tell by the way he was breathing that it 
wouldn't take long for him to fall asleep.

Once he was completely out, I breathed a sigh of relief. Rest really 
was the best thing for him.  It's what I needed too.  I decided that 
now was the right time for me to finally go home, get cleaned up, 
and get some sleep myself.

Just as I started to stand up, Dr. Becker walked into the room.  
"Good morning, Agent Scully.  How's your partner feeling?"

"He seems to be in quite a bit of pain this morning. His forehead 
also feels warm to me.  Is there something else you can give him?  
The meperidine doesn't seem to be working that well.  I think he
needs something stronger."    

Dr. Becker looked at me standing there with my unkempt hair and 
disheveled clothes.  I could tell he was trying to decide how or 
even if he should answer my question.  

"In all the commotion last night, I don't remember if I told you 
or not, but I'm also a medical doctor.  Now I'd really appreciate 
it if there was something you could give my partner to help him 
better deal with the pain," I firmly stated.

Apparently Dr. Becker decided that maybe I did know what I was 
talking about, and he answered, "Well, let me take a look and see 
what I can do."

His body language told me that he was still uncertain about me, 
but I didn't care.  I just wanted Mulder to not be in pain, and 
if it took a little bossiness on my part to make it happen, so 
be it.

"Would you please step outside while I examine your partner?"

I hated the fact that Dr. Becker had to wake Mulder up, especially 
after he'd just fallen asleep, but I was both anxious and nervous 
to hear his prognosis.  As much as I wanted to stay in the room, 
I decided I'd better not push my luck with him. I knew from first 
hand experience how some doctors could be. I reluctantly stepped 
outside, saying a silent prayer as I left.

I was pacing outside Mulder's room when I looked down the hall 
and noticed Christine.  She saw me too and quickly walked over.  
"Are you still here, Miss Scully?  I thought you were going to 
go home after seeing your partner." 

"Well, I was going to leave, but then Dr. Becker came in.  He's 
examining Mulder right now, and I'd like to speak with him when 
he's finished.  After that, I'll head home." 

"I know how worried you are, but pacing the floor like that isn't 
going to help.  Why don't you come over here and sit down until the 
doctor's finished?"  I didn't really have the desire or the energy 
to argue, so I didn't fight it when Christine led me over to a group 
of chairs in the hallway a couple of doors down from Mulder's room.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" Christine asked in a kind voice.

"That would be nice.  Thank you."

I tried to relax, but I couldn't. I hated being left out of Mulder's 
room.  I hated not knowing what was going on.  I hated feeling so 
helpless.  Actually, I pretty much hated everything at the moment.

I had to do something...anything...so I stood up and started pacing
again.

It didn't take Christine long to come back with a plastic cup of 
water in her hand.  "Hey, I thought you were going to rest. Now, 
come over here, honey, and take a drink of this water."

I sat down and Christine took the chair beside me.  "Listen, Dr. 
Becker is the best ophthalmologist in this area, and if anyone can 
help your partner get better, it's him. Now why don't you just stay 
here while I go see what I can find out for you."

Christine stood up to go, took my hand in hers, and reassuringly 
said, "He's going to be okay, Agent Scully.  I know it."

I gave her hand a quick squeeze. "Thank you, Christine. Thank you 
for everything."

I looked at my watch.  It was about 7:30.  Dr. Becker had been in 
Mulder's room for only five minutes, but it seemed more like an 
hour. I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. I 
nervously ran my fingers through my hair, then started massaging 
my temples, trying to keep myself alert.  I just wanted him to 
hurry up.

Finally, after fifteen excruciatingly long minutes, Dr. Becker and
Christine came out of Mulder's room.  Taking so long to examine
Mulder could only mean one thing.  He was worse off than I thought.
Usually when doctors check in on their patients in the morning, 
they're in and out of their rooms in five minutes or less.  This 
was not a good sign.

I quickly stood up and watched as Dr. Becker wrote something on
Mulder's chart and handed it to Christine.  Then Dr. Becker walked 
over to me and said, "Sit down, Dr. Scully."

I had a very uneasy feeling.

~~~~

The last thing I remembered was Scully touching me, one hand 
holding mine, the other resting on my stomach.

Her hand felt cool and soft against my inflamed skin.

I remembered drifting off to sleep, thinking about how much I 
wanted all of her against my skin, her touch healing me.

I was just starting to slip into a deeper sleep when I heard 
someone speaking to me.  

It wasn't Scully.

It was a man's voice.  He sounded compassionate, sincere. I'm 
not sure how I knew that just from his voice, but I knew. Maybe 
it was true what they say...when you're missing one sense, the 
other senses become more acute.

I started moving around a bit, and I heard my name again. "Good 
morning, Agent Mulder.  I'm Dr. Becker."  He briefly touched my 
hand in lieu of a handshake.  "How are you feeling?"  

"Been... better," I managed to croak out.  

"As I said, my name is Dr. Becker. I'm the doctor that operated on 
you last night. Do you remember what happened to you, Mr. Mulder?"

"Not...really."

"I don't know what your partner's told you, but last night you 
were involved in an explosion, and there was a lot of flying 
glass.  You received numerous lacerations on your arms, hands, 
and face, some of them deep enough to require stitches.  You 
also suffered serious trauma to both of your eyes. That's why 
they're covered with bandages and why your head is positioned 
the way it is.  Do you remember any of this?" 

"No."

*No, no, and no. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I can't 
remember a goddamn thing, okay?*

"When you were brought in here last night, your eyes were in pretty
bad shape. The glass from the explosion caused numerous corneal 
abrasions on the surface of your eyes as well as damage to both
retinas. In order to repair the damage, I had to do two things.  
First, I removed several tiny bits of glass from each of your eyes.  
Then I did a vitrectomy on each eye to reattach the retinas. Because 
of all the swelling around your eyes, the surgery took a little 
longer than I expected, but I believe I was able to successfully 
reattach both retinas."

I tried to process what he just told me, but I couldn't.  

My head was throbbing, and my brain felt like it was on overload.
 
He must've been able to tell how overwhelmed I was by everything 
because he paused for a moment, touched my shoulder and said, "I 
know this is a lot for you to take in right now, Agent Mulder, but 
I'm going to be honest with you.  You're very lucky your partner 
got you here when she did. Had she not gotten you to the hospital 
so quickly, we might've been looking at permanent vision loss.  As 
it stands right now, I'd say you have about a 70% chance of regaining 
total eyesight."  

My entire body clenched and a whoosh of air left my lungs as I tried
to take in what he was telling me.

A 70% chance of seeing again.

I felt numb.

A 30% chance of never seeing Scully again.

Completely numb.  

"I understand how difficult all of this is, Mr. Mulder, but I'm
going to do whatever I can to help you.  Right now I need you to 
lie still while I examine you.  Now it might hurt a bit when the 
bandages first come off, but it's very important that you remain 
still. Try not to move."  

He was just starting to remove the first bandage when I heard the 
door open. "Dr. Becker, I thought you might need some help in here.  
Is there anything I can do for you?"

I recognized the voice as being Christine's.  She was so kind to me
earlier, and it was good to hear her voice again. I don't know why,
but there was something about her presence that made me feel better.  
I felt calmer knowing she was here, even though I wished it was 
Scully who had walked through that door.

"Yes, Ms. Johnson, I could use some help.  I want you to hold Mr.
Mulder's head still while I examine him."

"Yes, doctor."

In a matter of seconds, I felt pressure as Christine held the 
pillows next to both sides of my head.  I also smelled the faint 
aroma of her perfume and something else.  Maybe bacon.  I could 
hear some rain tapping against the window, and if I listened 
closely enough, I could even hear Christine breathing.  I was 
nervous, and all my senses seemed to be on full alert.

Christine's senses must've been in alert mode as well because 
she bent over me and said, "She's right outside the door, Agent 
Mulder. I'll send her in when we're finished."

"Thanks," I whispered in reply.

"Okay, Agent Mulder, I'm going to remove the right bandage.  Now,
you might feel a stinging sensation in your eye when it's first 
exposed to the air, but that's alright. That's a good sign.  The 
more feeling you have in your eye, the better."

Dr. Becker slowly started to peel the bandage off of my right eye, 
and I immediately flinched.

"Sorry," said Dr. Becker.  "I should've told you that my hands were 
cold.  My wife is always teasing me about how cold my hands are, 
telling me they're like ice cubes.  Of course, she doesn't mind 
having 'em around in the heat of the summertime."

I could tell he was trying to ease my tension, but I really wasn't
in any kind of mood to be joking around.  The simple act of him 
peeling off the bandage and exposing my damaged eye to the cool 
air hurt like hell, and I just wanted him to hurry up and finish.

He carefully took off the bandage over my left eye next.  It hurt, 
but it didn't sting as much as my right one did.  Even though both 
eyes felt hot and scratchy, it felt good to get the bandages off 
my face.  

"How do you feel, Mr. Mulder? Are you alright?" Dr. Becker patiently 
asked.

"Been...better," I replied.  That seemed to be my standard answer 
to everything at the moment.  

"Now this is only going to take a few seconds.  I'm going to very 
slowly lift your eyelids up, first the right one, and then the left 
one.  It's probably going to hurt a bit, but I'll check you as 
quickly as I can.  It's important that you stay very still as I'm 
doing this, and as much as you're going to want to move your head, 
I need you not to, alright?"

"Alright."

I grabbed the sheets with both my hands in order to brace myself 
for the pain I knew was coming my way.  Christine bent down over 
me and quietly said, "It'll be over in just a minute, Agent Mulder.  
Just try to relax."

"Okay, here we go."  Just as he said he would, Dr. Becker quickly, 
but carefully opened my left eyelid.  

God, that hurt.  It felt like hundreds of needles were poking into 
my eye, and I immediately broke out into a sweat.  I squeezed the 
sheets so hard between my fingers that I could actually feel my 
nails through the cloth.

I thought he said this was only going to take a few seconds.  What 
clock is he going by anyway? 

He checked my right eye, and I found myself squeezing the sheets 
even harder.  

Once he finished, I loosened up my grip on the sheets, but then I 
felt a new pain.  When I had squeezed my hands, it pulled the 
stitches on them.  It also tightened the skin on my arms, causing 
those stitches to stretch and burn.  My arms were throbbing, and 
before I could control it, my hands started shaking too.

"It's okay, Mr. Mulder.  I'm all finished now.  Just relax, and try 
to take a deep breath," Dr. Becker calmly stated.

*Yeah, easy for him to say. How the hell was I supposed to calm 
down when my entire body felt like it was in flames?*

As I took some deep breaths, I felt Christine's hand give my shoulder
a little squeeze.  Her gentle reassurance was comforting, and I could 
feel my body start to relax a bit.

"Well, Agent Mulder, it looks like you've got an infection in your 
right eye.  That's probably why you're experiencing so much pain 
now. I'm going to give you an antibiotic that will hopefully clear 
up the infection, and I'm also going to change your pain medication 
from meperidine to zoltram.  Zoltram is stronger and should help 
you to rest more comfortably.  Do you understand what I've just 
told you?" asked Dr. Becker.

I wanted to ask questions.  I wanted to know everything about my 
condition.   I wanted to actually *see* the doctor who was treating 
me, but I hurt so badly and I was so tired, I simply replied, "Yes."

"Alright then.  Ms. Johnson is going to redress the bandages over
your eyes, and since it says here on your chart that you had some
meperidine about an hour ago, she'll give you the zoltram when it's 
time for your next dose of medication.  I'll check in on you later 
today, Agent Mulder.  Now if there's anything you have a question 
about or anything you need from me before then, please let Ms. 
Johnson or one of the other nurses know, and I'll get back to you 
as soon as I'm able to." Then Dr. Becker lightly touched my shoulder 
and said, "You're going to be fine."

As Dr. Becker started to leave the room, I managed to softly say, 
"Thank...you."

He replied, "You're welcome," and then he was gone.

After Dr. Becker left, Christine redressed the bandages on my eyes.
She tried her best to be gentle, but my eyes still throbbed and felt
like they were on fire.  She checked my temperature, which was a 
little high due to the infection.  Then she checked my blood 
pressure, which was also high.  That was no surprise, especially 
after the exam I had just been through.  I had calmed down 
considerably, but my hands were still shaking a little, and I could 
feel my heart beating faster than usual.  After giving me some much 
needed water to drink, she said, "I'm going to ask Agent Scully to 
come in now."

Before Christine could set my cup of water down, I reached out to 
touch her.  "Thanks," I said in a raspy whisper.

Christine gently took my hand and replied, "You're quite welcome, 
Mr. Mulder.  I'll go get her for you."

~~~~

When I saw Dr. Becker coming out of Mulder's room, I could tell
by the look on his face, that it was not good news.  He had asked
me to sit down, but I was much too nervous to do that.

Before Dr. Becker had a chance to say anything, I quickly asked,
"How's he doing?  Is he alright?"

"Well, Dr. Scully, I examined your partner and you were right.
He did seem to be in a lot of pain.  After what he's been through,
that's certainly understandable, but I've prescribed some zoltram
for him which should help minimize his discomfort. What I'm most
concerned about now is that he's developed an infection in his 
right eye."

I closed my eyes briefly upon hearing this latest development.
I knew that infections sometimes occur after surgery, but since I
knew very little about the inner workings of the eye, Dr. Becker's
words were particularly upsetting.

"How will this infection affect him?" I nervously asked.

"As I told you last night, both of his eyes were badly damaged in 
the explosion.  The corneal abrasions alone are extremely painful, 
particularly during the first 48 hours after which they occur.  
Now when you take that fact and add to it the retinal reattachment 
and the infection, you're looking at what could be a serious 
situation.  Not only is your partner in a lot of pain, but there's 
also a chance that the infection in that eye may affect the way his 
retina heals. I must tell you that there's a possibility of the 
retina detaching again, and if that happens, I'll need to do 
another operation."

I was having a hard time with this newest piece of information, and 
I could feel my chest tightening again.  I pushed a stray piece of 
hair off my forehead and asked, "Does Agent Mulder know all of this?"

"I don't like to keep things from my patients, so yes, I've told 
him what's going on.  However, we haven't discussed the possibility 
of him having another operation.  At this point in time, I don't 
feel it's really necessary to talk about that.  Like I told you 
last night, he's got a 70% chance of getting complete vision back. 
Those are good odds.  Now the infection he's developed is a 
complication I was hoping not to have, but we'll deal with it the 
best way we can and see what happens.  I have every confidence that 
in time your partner will completely recover."

I'm glad that Dr. Becker was Mulder's doctor.  Not only was he 
competent and reassuring, but he also had a good bedside manner.  
I had so many more questions I wanted to ask him; medical questions, 
questions about antibiotics, questions about Mulder's recovery, but
I was just so exhausted, my brain couldn't seem to form the words 
for me to say.  Instead I simply said, "Thank you for everything, 
doctor.  I appreciate you keeping me informed."

"Like I said before, I want Mr. Mulder to get better, and I believe 
he will...in time. Right now though, I just want to concentrate on 
getting that infection under control.  If you'll excuse me, I need 
to go finish my rounds.  I'll check in on your partner later today."  
Dr. Becker walked over to the nurses' station, signed a few charts, 
and then went on his way.  

I felt a little better after talking to Dr. Becker, but the news of 
Mulder's infection on top of all his other problems really concerned 
me.  As I let everything sink in, I noticed Christine walking towards 
me.

"Agent Scully, your partner was asking for you. I told him I'd send 
you in after Dr. Becker left."

"Thank you.  I'll go see him in a minute.  How was he during Dr. 
Becker's exam?"

"Well, he was in a lot of pain, but I'm sure that once he spends 
some time with you, he'll feel better," Christine said with a hint 
of a smile on her face. 

I liked Christine.  She was straightforward and caring, and she 
seemed truly concerned about Mulder and how he was doing.  

"Dr. Becker's made a notation on your partner's chart to change his
pain medication to zoltram and increase the dosage.  He's also 
started him on an aggressive course of antibiotics.  If there's any 
improvement, we should be able to see the start of it by this 
afternoon."

"Thank you.  Thank you for taking such good care of him."

"Honey, I'm just doing my job," she said nonchalantly as she walked
towards the nurse's station.   Once she left, I brushed my hair out 
of my eyes, took a couple of deep breaths, and headed for Mulder's 
room.

~~~~

Where is she?

Christine said she would send Scully right in, but it seemed like 
it was taking forever for her to come in here. 

I was starting to remember some things about last night, and I 
needed her to help me understand what happened.  I'd had some
flashes of memory come back to me, but not enough to put all the 
pieces together.  

I needed to know what happened.

I needed to know *now*.

I remembered being pelted with glass, I remembered calling for 
Scully, and my eyes and mouth burning like fire.  

After that, it was dark.  

Now, here it is the next day...and it's still dark.

Where is she?

I'd reach for the call button, but I don't know which side of my 
bed it's on.  Hell, I don't even know if I have one.  I'd call 
for a nurse, but it takes all my energy just to whisper a couple 
of words.  

I hate this.

Just then, I heard the door opening. I didn't have to see to know 
that it was Scully.

"Hey you, how are you feeling?"  I could hear her walking towards 
me and my heart instantly leapt into my throat.

"Re...mem...ber...ing."   

Damn, that hurt.  Now I know why I've been using only one and 
two syllable words.  My mouth felt like it'd been run through 
a paper shredder.

Scully must've heard me grimace because she said, "It's not good 
for you to put unnecessary pressure on your stitches, Mulder. 
Try not to talk so much.  Just let me talk."

The softness in her voice was comforting, and I tried to picture 
the way she might be looking at me right now.  In my mind, I could
see the gentleness in her eyes, but I could also see her concern, 
her tension.  I'm sure she didn't sleep much last night.  She must 
be exhausted.

I lifted my arm up and tried to reach for her hand, but she quickly 
placed her hand underneath my palm and carefully put my arm back 
down on the bed.  

"Lie still, Mulder.  I'm not going anywhere," she said reassuringly.  
Her hand was soft, and I didn't want her to let go.  Her cool skin 
felt good against my ravaged skin, and I tried to clasp my fingers 
around hers.

"It's okay, Mulder.  I'm right here.  Let me just move this chair 
over so I can sit next to you."  Either the chair was really heavy 
or Scully was really tired because she was dragging it across the
floor towards me instead of carrying it.  It was really loud and 
the sound of it reminded me of fingernails scraping across a 
blackboard.

"I know how much you want to remember things, Mulder, but right 
now your main focus should be on getting better.  Dr. Becker told 
me about the infection you've developed in your eye.  You need to 
relax and let the medications do their work.  We can talk about 
what happened later when you're stronger.  Just rest.  I'll stay 
here until you fall asleep."

I appreciated the fact that she was trying to take care of me and 
not upset me, but I wanted to know what happened to me, and I wanted 
to know now.  I was so close to remembering.  I needed her to tell
me so I could try and make sense of it all.  I squeezed her fingers
again. "No, Scu...lly."

"What do you mean 'No'?"

"Tell...me," I said with as much conviction as I could under the
circumstances.

"Tell...

me...

what...

hap.....pened."  

Oh, God, that hurt.  I could feel the stitches pulling around my 
lips, and my heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest.  
I could hear Scully get up out of the chair, and I swear I could 
hear her heart pounding as loud as mine.

"Mulder, you need to calm down.  Getting upset is not going to help
you."  Her voice sounded firm, yet shaky.  "We can talk about last 
night later.  Right now, you need to relax."

I don't want to relax...I don't want to go to sleep...I just want 
to know what the hell happened to me...

What's so hard to understand about that?

"Tell...me."

"Mulder, stop it.  This isn't good for you."  She tried to release 
my grip on her hand, but even with the stitches, I had a pretty 
strong hold on her.

"Tell...me."

Couldn't she see how important this was to me?  If I could look 
into her eyes, she'd understand. She'd be able to see the urgency 
in my eyes, and she'd tell me what I needed to know. 

But she couldn't see my eyes.  

And I couldn't see hers.

"Tell...me," I managed to say one more time, but suddenly I felt 
very tired, very defeated.  It was as if what little energy I had 
just got sucked out of me all in one big whoosh.

"Oh, Mulder...you're bleeding," Scully said with alarm.  "It looks
like you've broken open some of the stitches around your mouth.  I 
need to go get one of the nurses."  She leaned over me, stroked my 
forehead, and softly said, "It'll just take a minute, and then I'll 
be right back."

"Stay."

"Okay Mulder, I can call from here instead."  The next thing I knew 
she was leaning all the way across my bed, her breasts lightly 
brushing against my chest.  She must've been reaching for the call 
button.

I wish I could reach for her.  More than anything I wanted to wrap
my arms around her and feel her soft smooth skin against mine.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't even lift my arms enough to scratch my own nose, let alone 
lift them high enough to hug Scully.

I hate this.

~~~~

Mulder was bleeding, and it was all my fault.

He tried to get me to tell him what happened last night, and when 
I wouldn't, he got so upset he opened some of his stitches.  

If I had just told him what he wanted to know, then maybe I wouldn't 
be waiting outside his door right now while he's getting his stitches 
fixed.

Doesn't he know I'd rather just forget last night?

Of course, he doesn't know.

He doesn't know that it's my fault he's blind.  He doesn't know that 
it's my fault he'll have scars on his arms for the rest of his life.  
He doesn't know that what happened last night has been permanently 
seared into my brain.

How could he possibly know?

I wish I could look into his eyes. Then I'd know what to say. Then 
I'd know what he needed.  

But I couldn't see his eyes.

And he couldn't see mine.

I hate this.

~~~~

I was so tired. Tired of lying here. Tired of hurting. Tired of 
being helpless. Tired of this darkness.

I wish everybody would just leave me alone.

I didn't even know if I wanted Scully to come back in here.  I 
never thought she'd keep things from me, yet she refused to talk 
to me about last night.

What is she hiding from me?

The nurse who came in here to fix my stitches was friendly and she
tried her best to make things comfortable for me, but the whole 
time she was here, all I could think about was last night.

While she was closing the broken stitches with butterfly tape, I  
remembered something else about last night.  I remembered riding 
in the ambulance and thinking that the paramedic who worked on me 
must've had Italian or Mexican food for dinner.  When he leaned 
over me, I distinctly remembered smelling garlic and onion on his 
breath. It was such a stupid thing to remember, but at least it 
was something.

What I couldn't understand was why Scully was keeping things from 
me.  It wasn't like it was her fault that this happened. She didn't 
set that bomb. She didn't make me go out in that alley.  I did that 
all on my own.  What I still couldn't figure out though was why I 
was out there by myself in the first place.

I don't even remember how I got there.

I felt another wave of tiredness wash over me, and I really didn't 
think I could stay awake much longer.   I wondered if Scully was 
coming back in here. 
 
She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, would she?  

~~~~

I was exhausted.

I wanted to talk to Mulder again before I headed for home, but I
wasn't sure I even wanted to.  He got so upset with me when I 
wouldn't tell him what he wanted to know.  I didn't want that to 
happen again, yet I didn't want to have to deal with his questions 
either.

I wanted to go home, take a shower, and crawl into bed, but I knew 
I couldn't do that without saying goodbye to Mulder first.  Even 
though he was frustrated with me, I know him, and I knew he was
expecting me to come back into his room again.

I took a long cool drink from the drinking fountain, then slowly 
walked to his door.  I could barely drag one leg in front of the 
other, but I knew I had to go in there.  Mulder needed me, and no 
matter how many times I tried to deny it, I needed him too.

When I pushed the door open, I expected to hear him say my name, 
but instead I was greeted by silence.  "Mulder?"  It looked like 
he had fallen asleep, but I couldn't tell for sure.  I stepped 
closer and rested my hand on his chest.  "Mulder, it's me," I 
whispered.

His rhythmic breathing told me that he was asleep, and for a moment,
I simply watched my hand move up and down on his chest as he breathed.
I couldn't help but feel relieved that I didn't have to talk to him 
about last night, yet part of me was disappointed that I didn't get 
to say goodbye.

I bent down closer to him and looked at his face.  I'd give anything 
to be able to see his eyes right now.  Will he ever be able to see 
*my* eyes again? 

I felt some tears welling up in my eyes, and I bit my lip to try 
to keep them from coming.  Being careful not to touch any of his 
cuts, I lightly ran my fingertips along his chin.  I love the feel 
of a man's beard stubble.  Mulder's beard stubble was particularly 
prickly, and I ran my fingers over it several times.

"I'm so sorry, Mulder.  You don't deserve this."  

I moved my hand up to his eyes and gently brushed my fingertips 
over his bandages. 

"I never should've left you out there alone.  I'm sorry, Mulder."

So much for biting my lip.  I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks,
and I couldn't stop myself from sniffling.  Not wanting to wake him, 
I quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand, kissed him on the 
forehead, and slipped out of the room.   

As soon as I was on the other side of his door, I let out a big 
sigh.  I knew things would seem better once I got a long hot 
shower and a few hours of sleep.  I left a message at the nurse's 
station for them to call me if there were any problems while I was 
gone, then finally headed for home.

~~~~

She was crying.

She thought I was asleep, but I could hear her.  She was trying 
to hold back her tears, just as she's done in the past.  I don't 
know why she thinks she has to hide her emotions from me all the 
time.  

Does she really think that I wouldn't understand her fears if she 
shared them with me?

I knew I should let her know I was awake, yet something told me 
that she needed to do this alone.  

So I waited.

After caressing my face so carefully, she placed a kiss on my 
forehead. It was so soft.  

So incredibly soft.

When she finally left, I let the memory of her lips gently kissing 
my skin lull me to sleep.

~~~~

9:00 am

I have no idea how I got here.

I didn't remember driving here, riding on the elevator, or even 
turning the key in the lock, yet here I was at Mulder's apartment.

When I left the hospital, I had every intention of going home, 
getting cleaned up, and going to bed, but now I was here alone
in his apartment.

It was so quiet.

I've been here before when Mulder wasn't here, but this time it 
felt different.  Sure, all of his things were still here, but he 
wasn't.  

It just doesn't feel right when he's not here.

I walked over to his couch and sat down.  All the paperwork we were
going over last night was still on the coffee table.  Looking at 
some of the notes that Mulder had scribbled on a piece of notebook 
paper, I realized now why I drove here instead of going home.

Need.

I needed to connect with Mulder.  I needed to see his things.  I 
needed to feel his presence.  I needed to see the last place we 
were together before we went to Lowrey's last night, before our 
lives were turned upside down.

I needed to remember the way his eyes sparkled last night as he told 
me his theory about Hutchison.  I needed to remember the way he gently 
placed his hand on my back as we walked out of here and how he joked 
about opening the car door for me.  I needed to let myself process 
what happened last night.  I leaned my head against the back of his 
couch and closed my eyes.

And then it hit me.

Mulder was blind.

Mulder was scarred for life.

Mulder could've died last night.

Oh

my

God.

All of a sudden my hands started shaking, and tears started pouring 
down my face.  I felt a pounding sensation in my stomach, and my 
entire body started retching.  I made a run for the bathroom, 
barely making it in time before I lost what little food I'd had to 
eat within the last 24 hours.

Sitting on the floor with my face over the toilet, I helplessly 
watched as my tears dripped into the water.  I wasn't sure I could
get up or even if I wanted to.

I was just so damn tired.

I looked over at Mulder's shower.  The curtain was closed and his 
Knicks t-shirt was hanging over the curtain rod.  Finally getting 
myself up off the floor, I pulled the shirt down.  It smelled of 
Mulder.  Masculine and sweaty with just a hint of cologne.  He 
must've been wearing it recently.  I held it up to my cheek and 
closed my eyes.

*Oh Mulder, I'm so sorry.*

After hanging his shirt back up, I looked down at my own shirt. 
It was clean, but it wasn't mine.  In the midst of all the chaos 
last night, I had completely forgotten that one of the nurses had
given it to me.

My own blouse had been covered with blood.  Some of the blood had
been mine from when I cut my fingers trying to pull the glass off 
of Mulder, but most of it was his.

The shirt I was wearing now may be clean, but last night I was 
wearing our blood.  Our blood...mixed together in anguish and 
spread out on my blouse in an angry red tapestry for everyone to 
see.  I hope they threw that blouse away because I never want to 
see it again.

I looked down at my pants.  They weren't nearly as damaged as my 
blouse was.  The knees had dirt on them, probably from when I 
kneeled down next to Mulder in the alley.  There was also a tear 
in the hemline of my right pants leg, but I had no idea how that 
happened either.

These clothes reminded me of everything from last night I didn't 
want to remember.  I needed to get them off. 

Now.

I quickly kicked my shoes off, took off my pants and shirt, and 
tossed them out into the hallway.  After turning on the shower to 
one of the hottest settings, I walked into Mulder's bedroom.  He 
must have something in one of his drawers that I could wear for 
the time being.

I found one of his gray t-shirts in his top dresser drawer.  Unlike 
his Knicks' shirt, it was clean and smelled as if it was recently 
washed.  I carried it into the bathroom, took off my panties and 
bra, and slipped behind the curtain into the steaminess of the 
shower.

The water and steam was hot against my skin, so hot it burned.

Was this how Mulder's eyes felt?  Did they burn too?

The thought of him lying in the alley with all that blood and glass
around his eyes sent a scorching chill down my back, and I tried to 
turn the water setting even hotter.  Maybe if it was hot enough, it 
would burn my skin and make me numb.

Then I wouldn't have to feel anything.

I sat down on the floor of the tub and curled my knees up against 
my chest, letting the hot water blast against my back.

How could I have been so stupid?

Why didn't I call for backup before we went to Lowrey's?  It's
standard procedure.  Why didn't I insist to Mulder that we call 
the bomb squad?  Again, standard procedure.  Why did I let him
go out into the alley?  We never should have separated while we
were doing our search of the area.  

And if Mulder had heard that bomb out in the alley, why didn't 
he just leave it there and call for help? Why did he try to 
take matters into his own hands?    
 
*Damn it, Mulder.  You could've been killed, you idiot.*

That thought brought even more tears to my eyes, and without 
realizing it, I started rocking myself back and forth, still 
clutching my knees to my chest.

I don't know how long I stayed in the shower, but when I finally
got out, my skin was quite red and painful.  I wiped off the mirror 
and gasped when I saw all the dark red splotches on my back.  

After slipping Mulder's t-shirt over my throbbing skin, I walked 
back into the living room and laid down on the couch.  Even though 
I felt warm from the shower, I took his blanket and wrapped myself 
in it.

I looked over at the fish in his aquarium, and that was the last 
thing I remembered before finally succumbing to sleep.

~~~~

Tuesday, April 22
9:30 am

I had been here for five days, and not much had changed.  

I still couldn't see.

I still couldn't move.

And I hated it.

The infection in my right eye was finally getting better, and my 
stitches seemed to be healing, but other than that, things weren't 
really that much better.  I didn't talk much unless I had to as the 
butterfly tape around my mouth made it difficult.  My head was still 
placed between two pillows, and I hadn't been out of this bed since 
I got here.  

The nurses have been pleasant enough, but the only one who ever 
takes the time to talk to me about things other than my condition 
is Christine.  Unfortunately, she's only here late at night and 
part of the morning.  The last two mornings she sat with me on her 
break and read me the front page stories from the newspaper. I wasn't 
really that interested in the news, but it was nice just to hear 
someone else's voice. 

In the darkness, everything seems so much quieter.

Skinner had been in to see me a few times, and yesterday the gunmen 
visited me for the first time.  They told me all about some of the 
latest internet hoaxes, but other than that, I don't think they 
really knew what to say to me.  Actually, I didn't know what to say 
to them either, and the entire visit turned out to be rather 
uncomfortable.

Scully has been here every day, but she seems distant. I know she's 
been very concerned about me and she's been friendly enough with 
the doctors and the nurses, but there's something about the way 
she's been acting that doesn't feel right to me.

She talks confidently to them, but hesitantly to me.  I noticed 
the subtle changes in her voice when she talked about certain 
topics, in particular the night of the explosion.  Whenever I've 
tried to broach the subject, she's quick to divert my attention to 
something else. She's told me a few things about that night that 
I didn't remember, but I know that there's more. 

I'd been remembering a few more details about what happened myself.
I remembered being lifted out of the ambulance and how every little
movement made my skin burn.  I remembered red lights and lots of 
loud voices.  I remembered blood all over my hands, and wishing I 
could open my eyes.

I still wish that.

Dr. Becker told me that short-term memory loss is common after such 
a traumatic experience, and that eventually, I'll remember everything.
I believe him, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.  It 
also doesn't help that Scully isn't very forthcoming with any details.

As much as I wanted her to talk to me about the events of that night, 
I resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't going to tell me 
anything until she was ready to.

~~~~

10:00 am

This was Mulder's fifth day in the hospital and he was finally 
showing some improvement.  The infection in his right eye was 
almost cleared up and the stitches on his face and arms were 
healing nicely.  Dr. Becker told us yesterday that both eyes were 
recovering well from the surgeries, and that if things continued 
to look good, Mulder could try to get up out of bed today.

I should be happy, but I'm not.

I was very relieved that Mulder seemed to be on the mend, but I 
just couldn't bring myself to be excited about it.  I couldn't 
get my hopes up.  

Not yet.

I should've already been with him, but I really wasn't ready to see 
him yet. Actually, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.

I guess that's why I ended up sitting here in church instead of 
sitting at the hospital.

Somehow I had to find the strength to deal with this.  It had been 
five days since the accident, and I was still trying to understand 
how and why it happened.  Everything still seemed so senseless to 
me.  One minute, Mulder and I were joking around at his apartment, 
trying to put all the pieces together on the case, and less than an 
hour later, he was on an operating table fighting for his life.

I wanted to understand.

I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to believe that Mulder would get better, but my guilt, 
fear, and anger kept getting in the way.

I had to find a way to deal with these emotions. I had to.

I'd been sitting here for the past half-hour, praying for 
forgiveness and guidance.

I could only hope that God would hear me.

~~~~

I wonder where Scully is.  Dr. Becker should be checking in on me
at anytime, and I really wanted her to be here when he does.  He 
told me yesterday that I might be able to get up out of bed today.

Getting out of bed doesn't sound like much, but I'd pretty much 
been stuck in this same position for the past five days, and I was 
more than ready to try a new position, preferably upright.

I wanted to get out of this room, and especially this bed. I wanted 
to use the actual toilet instead of that damn catheter that was 
shoved into me.  I wanted to eat something other than all that 
liquid slop they'd been feeding me, but most of all, I wanted to 
feel Scully's arms around me.

All the way around me.

The thought of being so close to her brought a smile to my face, 
albeit a slight one, thanks to all the butterfly tape surrounding 
my mouth.

"Now, that's a great way to start my day."

Scully.

"You must be feeling better this morning.  What's with the smile,
Mulder?"

Her voice sounded different to me.  She actually sounded relaxed.

"Been thinking," I replied.

"Thinking, huh?  I don't know if I should take that as a good sign 
or not."

The playfulness I heard in her voice as she walked towards me was 
music to my ears.  I hadn't heard her speak that way since before 
the explosion.  I don't know what happened between her last visit 
and this morning, but I didn't hear that hesitation in her words 
or feel the tension in the air that I'd been feeling for the last 
four days.  I was really glad she was here.

"So, what were you thinking about, Mulder?"

"You."

I held out my hand, hoping she'd take it.  She did, but she didn't 
say anything.  I thought maybe she was blushing, or at least her
hand was. It felt warm.

For awhile, the room was completely quiet, but it was a comfortable 
silence.

Scully leaned over me, and I could tell her face was right next to 
mine.  She was so close, I could feel her breaths drift across my 
cheeks.  "I've been thinking about you too, Mulder," she softly said.  
Then she kissed my forehead and briefly ruffled her fingers through 
my hair.

I wasn't expecting that at all.

I was deeply touched by her tenderness, and I found myself with a 
giant size lump in my throat.

~~~~

I don't know what came over me.

I just kissed Mulder's forehead, and I did it when he was awake 
and alert enough to feel it.

Actually, I do think I know what came over me.

It was my visit to church this morning. I went there looking for
answers, and I think I might have found some...

A knock on the door broke me out of my reverie, and in walked Dr. 
Becker.  He shook my hand.  "Good morning, Dr. Scully.  How are 
you today?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

"And how are you feeling, Mr. Mulder?"

"Better."

"Well, that's good to hear.  I'd like to see if we can't get you 
out of bed this morning.  Are you up for it?" Dr. Becker put his 
hand on Mulder's shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze. 

Before Mulder had a chance to answer, I blurted out, "Is it okay 
to be moving him so soon?" 

"Hopefully, I'll know the answer to that question in just a few 
minutes.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get started.  
Would you wait out in the hallway please?"

I gave Mulder's hand a quick squeeze and then slipped out the door. 

~~~~

"Alright, Mr. Mulder, let's take a look at your eyes, and see where 
we stand." First Dr. Becker took off the two metal shields that were
protecting my eyes, and then he slowly peeled off my bandages.

I was so glad he was taking them off.  Once they were off my face, 
I savored the cool air floating over my closed eyelids.  It was 
great to be free of both bandages, and I let out a contented sigh.

"Are you okay, Agent Mulder?"

"Yeah."  

Oh God, this felt good.  I hadn't had my bandages changed since 
last night, and the fresh air against my skin felt exhilarating. 

"Next, I'm going to open your eyes, one at a time, and see how 
things look.  It shouldn't take long."

My body tensed up and my teeth clenched as he performed his exam.  
My eyes felt hot and prickly, and I just wanted him to hurry up 
and finish.
  
After a couple of minutes, he said, "Okay, I'm done.  You can 
relax now." I took a couple of deep breaths and immediately felt 
better.

"Well, it looks like I've got some good news for you. I think your 
eyes are healing well enough for you to start moving around a bit.  
Your stitches are holding up nicely, and the redness in your eyes 
isn't quite as pronounced as it was the last time I checked you.  
How'd you like to take a grand tour of the hospital this morning?"

"I'd like that," I said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster 
under the circumstances.

"Good. Then I'll arrange for a wheelchair, and after you've gotten 
used to sitting up for awhile, one of the nurses will take you out 
of this room and get you moving around."

"Thank you, doctor."  

The next thing I knew he was pressing the call button and asking for 
a nurse and a wheelchair. He also called Scully back into the room. 
Within moments, there was a flurry of activity around me.  I could 
hear the wheelchair being rolled in and the nurse talking to Dr.
Becker over in the corner.  I felt Scully's hand on mine, and I 
could barely contain my excitement. 

I was finally going to sit up.

"Nurse Sanders is going to remove the pillows from each side of your 
head, and then we're going to raise you up into a sitting position.  
It's going to feel strange at first getting up after all this time, 
and things may seem off balance, so I want you to go slow.  Are you 
ready for us to help you up, Mr. Mulder?"

"I think so."

"Okay then, here we go."  I could feel the pillows being pulled 
away from my head and then two sets of arms holding me, two hands 
on my back and two hands under my armpits.  

After a three count, I felt myself being lifted up into a sitting 
position.  I grimaced as the stitches on my arms pulled and 
stretched.

"Mulder, are you okay?" asked Scully.  

"I'm okay," I grunted.

"You doing okay?" asked Dr. Becker. "You can lie back down if you 
need to."

"No, I'm fine," I quickly answered. I didn't care how much it hurt. 
I was going to sit up, damn it.

And then it hit me.

Dizziness.

Nausea.

Swirling lights under my eyelids.

I needed to lie back down.

Now.

"I'm...gonna...be...si..."

Before I could finish, I emptied what little I had in my stomach
right onto the front of my hospital gown.

Oh, God. The room was spinning out of control.

And so was I.

"Hold on, Mr. Mulder.  We're going to lay you back down in just a 
second," I heard Dr. Becker say.  His voice suddenly sounded muffled 
to me and I felt like I was floating away from him down an endless 
tunnel.

I heard footsteps hurrying towards the door and Scully yelling out, 
"We need some help in here NOW!"

"It's alright, Mulder. Just try to relax," Scully said reassuringly.

I tried to focus on her voice, but it was hard.  I was lying back 
down now, but I still felt dizzy and a bit queasy.  My arms were 
shaking, my heart was racing, and I felt sweat trickling down my 
face.

What the hell was happening to me?

~~~~
 
I don't know what happened.

One minute everything was fine, and now nothing is.

I wanted to stay in Mulder's room and help, but Dr. Becker abruptly
asked me to wait out here in the hallway. I should be in there
taking care of him, not out here waiting while others do it.

I hate this.

Things were going smoothly until Mulder got in an upright position.
Why did Dr. Becker let him try to sit up like that in the first
place? He should've known something like this could've happened.

*I* should've known.

Leaning against the wall, I helplessly watched as Nurse Sanders 
pushed the wheelchair back out into the hallway. Another nurse I 
didn't recognize went into Mulder's room with a clean hospital 
gown and some clean bedding, and a third nurse went in carrying 
his chart and what appeared to be some kind of medication.

I hate being stuck out here.

After several minutes, Dr. Becker came out of his room and walked
towards me. My stomach was churning and my mouth felt dry. I
nervously licked my lips and cautiously asked, "What happened in
there, Dr. Becker? I thought he was doing better."

"Well, I've checked him over again, and it doesn't appear to me
that his sudden dizziness is anything serious. In all honesty,
I think it was simply a case of sitting up too fast too soon.
You've got to remember...he's pretty much been in a prone position
since Friday. Sitting up after all this time, especially when
you're not able to see, is bound to affect your equilibrium. I'll
be back this afternoon to check on him again, but for now, I've 
given him something to help him relax. He should feel better after 
he sleeps for awhile."

After thanking Dr. Becker, I headed back into Mulder's room. His
nurse was putting on some clean bandages and his shields, and he
was wearing a clean gown now. Mulder's head was slightly propped 
up on one pillow and so were each of his arms. His face looked 
pale, but the skin on his arms was that angry red again.

"How's he doing?" I asked the nurse.

"Better now," she replied. "I don't believe we've met before. My
name is Beth. I'll be Mr. Mulder's nurse until the afternoon shift
takes over. You can stay in here with him for awhile if you want."
She gathered up a few things and started to leave. "Just press the
call button if he needs anything."

"Thank you, I will," I replied, and then she was gone.

I pulled one of the chairs over next to his bed, sat down, and
asked, "Are you feeling better now, Mulder?"

"I was so...dizzy."

"Are you dizzy now?"

"No, but I'm tired."

I cupped my hand around his left cheek. "I know how badly you
wanted to get up and move around. I'm sorry it didn't work out
today, but you can always try tomorrow. I'm sure you'll be feeling
better by then."

I didn't know who I was trying to reassure more - him or myself.

"I'm sleepy."

"Just rest, Mulder. I'll stay here until you fall asleep."

"Okay, Scul...lee." His words were beginning to slur and I knew
he'd be asleep in no time. Whatever Dr. Becker gave him, it seemed
to be taking effect fast.

"I'm...glad...you're...h e r e..."

And then he was out.

I watched him sleep for awhile, but then I felt my own lids getting
heavy. I didn't really want to fall asleep in his room again, but
I felt too sleepy to drive myself home.

Maybe if I just rested for a few minutes, then I'd feel up to 
driving.  I carefully moved Mulder's arm over a little, laid my 
head on his pillow, and put my hand underneath his.

And then I faded out too.

My dozing didn't last long as it was quickly interrupted by a 
knock on the door and a familiar voice.

"Agent Scully?"

It was Skinner. I quickly jumped up from my chair and brushed my
hair out of my eyes. "Sir."

"I thought I'd stop in during my lunch break and see how Mulder's 
doing. How is he today?"

I ushered him back out into the hallway so our voices wouldn't 
disturb Mulder. "Well, he did have a few problems this morning, 
but his doctor didn't seem to think it was anything serious."

I then went on to tell him of the morning's events. "I'm glad to
hear he's okay now. How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine, sir. In fact, I'm going to go to the office for awhile
and try to catch up on some paperwork. When I come back later this
afternoon, I'll tell Mulder that you stopped by."

"I told you not to worry about what's going on at the office, Agent
Scully. The paperwork will still be there in a few days. Now go
home and get some rest. That's an order." Skinner gave me a slight
smile, but I knew he wasn't kidding. I also knew he was right. The
paperwork could wait, and I really did need the extra sleep.

We both looked in on Mulder one last time, and then headed our 
separate ways.

~~~~

Wednesday, April 23
3:35 pm


It was as if yesterday's incident never happened.

My dizziness was gone, and so was my nausea. I sat up for a good
portion of the day, and I even got to walk around a little bit.
So far it's been the best day I've had since I've been here.

Being able to finally sit up and get out of my room has brightened
my spirits considerably. Scully and I have been sitting in the
hospital solarium for the last half hour. From what she told me,
we were sitting where the sun was the brightest, by the tables to 
the left of the overhead window. The sun's warmth soothed the skin 
on my face and arms, and it felt wonderful.

Absolutely wonderful.

"Scully?"

"What is it, Mulder?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Bringing me here. It's just what I needed."

The stitches around my mouth were finally getting better and I 
could actually string together more than two or three words at 
a time. I still had to talk slowly, but at least I could carry 
on a conversation now.

"I'm just glad you're feeling better, Mulder. It's good to see you
up and around. You know, I've missed talking with you." Scully put
her hand lightly on my arm and gave it a little squeeze.

"You mean you've missed arguing with me," I teased. Scully laughed
at my lame attempt at humor, and it felt just like old times.

But only for a moment.

I still can't see.

I still can't see the sparkle in her eyes that I know she has right
now. I still can't see the sun that's shining down on me. I still
can't see my ravaged arms or the stitches on my face.

Suddenly things didn't seem so wonderful anymore.

"Scully?"

"Yes?"

"What if I'm never able to see again?"

There, I did it.

I asked the question we've both been avoiding for far too long. I
waited for her answer, but instead all I heard was silence.

"Did you hear me, Scully?"

"I heard you."

More silence.

The next thing I knew Scully was grabbing the handles of my
wheelchair. Then she started pushing me out of the room and 
bruskly said, "You should go back to your room now and rest. 
You don't want to do too much too soon."

I didn't have to see her eyes to know exactly how she felt.

She was scared too.

~~~~

The silence was deafening.

Mulder hasn't said a word since we left the solarium, and neither
have I.

Just what was I supposed to say?

Was I supposed to tell him that I've been crying myself to sleep
every night since his accident? Was I supposed to tell him that
the possibility of him being blind for the rest of his life scares
the hell out of me?

Or was I just going to avoid his question altogether?

I think I'll take option number three, thank you very much.

When we got back to Mulder's room, Christine saw us and walked 
over.  "Hello, Agent Scully. Mr. Mulder." She put her hand on 
Mulder's shoulder and cheerfully said, "It's nice to see you up 
and around. You must be feeling better. How ya doin'?"

"I'm okay."

"I hear you had kind of a rough morning yesterday. I'm glad to
see that things are better today. I just started my shift a few
minutes ago. Would you like some help getting him back into bed,
Agent Scully?"

"Yes I would, thanks." The longer Christine was around, the longer
I could avoid talking to Mulder. I know I've had five days to try
to deal with everything, but I just wasn't ready to discuss how I
felt.

Not yet.

~~~~

While Christine was helping me back into bed, Scully tried to
engage her in a conversation about some new skin laser treatment,
but I knew she was only trying to put off talking to me.

I've spent a lot of time over the past several days thinking about
what might happen to me, about what I may have to deal with, and I
wanted to talk about it with her. I *needed* to talk about it.

Now.

Once Christine left, I cut right to the heart of the matter.
"You still haven't answered my question, Scully, and I'd like
an answer."

"We can talk about this later, Mulder. You've had a busy afternoon,
and I think you should rest now."

"I don't want to rest. I want to talk."

"Mulder, please. I don't want to go into this now."

"But *I* do, Scully. Come over here." She pulled a chair over and
sat down next to my bed. I reached out, instinctively knowing right
where her hand was. Her fingers were tense at first, but then she
gradually relaxed in my grasp.

"I know that you're afraid, Scully. So am I."

I took a long pause, hoping that she'd say something, but she
didn't so I went on, "If we're going to get through this, we 
have to be honest with each other."

"Dr. Becker says that you're getting better every day and that 
the chances of you regaining vision in both eyes are very good," 
Scully said hopefully.

"I know that, but there's also the possibility that I might not 
get any vision back."

I couldn't believe that I was being so calm about this. Usually 
Scully was the calm rational one.

"We have to be realistic here, Scully. Dr. Becker has told me that
I have about a 30% chance of losing all of my eyesight. He also
told me that there's a strong possibility that even if I do regain
my eyesight, it probably won't be at full strength. Either way, I'm
not going to be the same person I was before."

I took a deep breath before continuing. "Do you know how that makes
me feel, knowing that I may have to change everything about my life?"

I reached up to her face and slowly ran my fingers along her cheek
and then her lips. "Do you know how that makes me feel, knowing that
I may never see your face again?"

I felt some tears start to slip underneath my bandages and down 
my cheeks. "Do you know how scared I am, Scully?"

She sat down on the bed beside me and pulled me into her arms. 
Then she rested her head on my shoulder and softly said, "Yes, 
Mulder...I think I do."

~~~~

Saturday, April 28
4:10 pm

After eight days in the hospital, I was finally going home.

Dr. Becker said that from the looks of things, my eyes were steadily
improving. The surgeries he performed on both eyes appear to have
been successful, and the corneal abrasions have almost completely
disappeared. I still had to keep the patches and metal shields on 
both my eyes, but according to him, there was a very good chance 
that my eyes would heal properly and that I would see again.

I wanted to believe him.

I couldn't wait to leave the hospital, but I wasn't sure how I felt
about being at home. Here, I had lots of people to help me do
things and help me get around, but at home, it would be different.
There it would only be Scully and me.

And that scared me.

I was so grateful that she was going to be staying with me, but I
was uncomfortable with the fact that she was putting everything in 
her life on hold to do it.

I needed her now more than ever, but I didn't want her to end up
resenting me for it.

~~~~

4:20 pm

Mulder's going home today.

I took a three-week leave of absence from work so that I could 
stay with him while he recovers, but I'm nervous about it. I'm not
worried about staying at his apartment, but I am concerned that me
being there all the time is going to change things between us.

We've spent countless hours together over the years, but this time
it's going to be completely different. He's going to be relying on 
me more than ever before.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Part of me wants nothing more than to take care of him, but another
part of me is scared to death.  Will he even let me help him or
will his stubborn pride get in the way? Will he trust me enough to
let me see him so vulnerable or will he try to protect me from his
pain?

Or will he depend on me too much and end up smothering me?

~~~~

Scully should be here to pick me up anytime now.

My things were packed and ready to go. Dr. Becker had given me
instructions on how to clean my eyes along with a couple different
medications. I had also gotten the stitches on my arms removed 
earlier today and had been given some special vitamin E cream to 
rub on my skin as it healed.  Then next week, the stitches on my 
fingers would be taken out. The skin on my arms and hands felt dry, 
itchy, and tender to the touch, but at least I had fewer stitches 
to worry about than I did before.

As for my facial stitches, I don't know when they'll be removed.  
The gash on my chin was fairly deep, and the plastic surgeon told 
me that if I didn't want to be left with a noticeable scar, I'd 
require more surgery. I told him that a scar on my chin is the least 
of my worries at the moment, and that I'd make a decision about
another surgery when I was good and ready to. 
 
I don't think he appreciated that comment too much.

As for the butterfly tape around my mouth, I no longer have any.
It looks like I may have some permanent scars by my lips, but 
they'll be small ones, and once they've had a chance to heal more, 
they won't be that noticeable. It felt great to be able to move my 
mouth more freely, but I still had to watch how I said things. If 
I opened my mouth too wide or raised my voice too loud, my entire 
face throbbed.

Dr. Becker had already taken care of the discharge papers so once
Scully arrived, we could leave without any delays. I couldn't tell
what time it was, but it seemed like she should've been here by now. 
The longer I had to wait, the more impatient I became.

I just wanted to get out of here, and the sooner, the better.

"You weren't gonna sneak out of here without saying goodbye now,
were ya?" I instantly recognized Christine's friendly voice.

"You know I wouldn't do that to my favorite nurse," I teased.

"It's so nice to see you up and around, Mr. Mulder. You've come a
long way since you were brought in here. I'm glad you're finally
going home."

I could tell she was walking over towards my bed, and then I felt
her hand on mine. She leaned in closer to me and said, "You take
care of yourself now, and take good care of that partner of yours
too."

"I will."

Then I put my other hand on top of hers, and continued, "Thank you,
Christine. Thank you for everything you did for both me and Agent
Scully."

"No thanks necessary. Like I told you before, I was just doing my
job. Good luck, Mr. Mulder," said Christine, as she gave my hand
one last squeeze.

She was just on her way out when I heard another familiar voice.

"Agent Mulder."

It was Skinner.

"Sir, what are you doing here?" Needless to say, I was surprised
that he was here, especially on a Saturday.

"You think I'm going to let Scully deal with you all by herself on 
your first day out of the hospital? I'm here to keep you in line 
and make sure you don't give her a hard time."

I could hear him walking towards me, and the next thing I knew he
was shaking my hand. His handshake wasn't nearly as gentle as 
Christine's, and in an instant, several shooting pains ran through 
my fingers.

"Oomph," I grimaced.

Skinner immediately released his grasp and apologized. "Sorry,
Mulder, I forgot about your stitches."

"It was an honest mistake," I managed to answer. My fingers were 
still tingling from the harsh contact, and now the pain was working 
its way up my arm. I tried shaking my arm, hoping that that would 
alleviate the pain, but it only made things worse.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath.

"Are you okay, Mulder?" Skinner asked. I could hear concern in
his voice, as well as a little guilt for causing my discomfort.

"Yeah, just give me a minute."

I think Skinner could sense my uncomfortableness with the whole
situation because I heard him start to walk towards the door. "You
don't have to leave, sir. Stay and wait until Scully gets here.
I'm okay."

"Did somebody just mention my name?"

Scully. 

Now there's the voice I was waiting for.

"Hi, Scully. I thought you forgot about me. You're late." Immediately 
sensing my distress, she walked over to me and put her hand on my 
shoulder. "Alright Mulder, what's wrong?"

Before I had a chance to answer, Skinner jumped in. "I inadvertently
shook his hand too hard. He says he's fine."

Scully carefully lifted up my arm and pressed her hand against it
in various places. Then she examined my fingers. "High sensitivity
to touch is normal, especially when you have so many sutures. It
won't take much to make your skin feel uncomfortable. You'll just
have to make sure you avoid things that are irritants to your skin."

Then she gently placed my arm back down on the bed, and asked, "Are
you ready to go, Mulder?"

"You can't get me out of here soon enough."

Finally, I was going home.

~~~~

5:40 pm

By the time we checked out of the hospital, drove to Mulder's
apartment, and got him all unpacked and situated, it was about 
time for dinner. I asked Skinner if he'd like to stay and have 
something to eat with us, but he politely declined. He looked 
tempted by the offer, but I think he could also sense that Mulder 
and I needed to be alone on his first night out of the hospital.

After Skinner said goodbye to Mulder, I walked him to the door.  
"Thank you for everything, sir. I appreciate you helping us get 
settled in."

"You're welcome. Just take care of him." And with that, he left,
leaving Mulder and I completely alone.

"Would you like something to eat, Mulder? I've restocked your
cupboards and your refrigerator so there are plenty of things to
choose from. I can fix you a sandwich or maybe you just want
something to drink for now. What can I get you? Just name it."

Why am I suddenly talking 90 miles an hour? And when did my voice
start sounding so high?

"Scully, stop."

"Stop what, Mulder?"

"Stop trying so hard. Dinner can wait. Come over here."

I walked over to the couch and sat down next to him. It felt 
strange to be sitting so close to him and not have to worry 
about disturbing any IV lines or being interrupted by nurses.

It also felt really good.

"I'm sorry. I just want you to be comfortable."

"I *am* comfortable...now." The smile he had on his face was
mischievous, yet gentle, and I couldn't help but smile myself.

Then he rested his hand on my leg and turned his body towards
mine. "Thank you...Thank you for taking care of me, Scully."

The simplicity and honesty of his words touched me in a way I
wasn't prepared for, and I found myself unable to respond.

He moved his hand up along the side of my body, searching for my
face. Then he leaned over and placed a kiss on my cheek.

It wasn't a quick kiss.

His scarred lips lingered there, pressing against my skin with
the lightest of touches.

It was soft and rough and slow and sweet.

And one of the best kisses I've ever gotten.

~~~~

7:02 pm

I was so sleepy.

Now that I was finished with dinner, I was finding it difficult 
to stay awake. I guess the excitement of coming home from the 
hospital took more out of me than I thought.

Scully fixed me a plate of scrambled eggs for dinner, along with
some toast. I know it's considered breakfast food, but I just 
really had a taste for it. My lips are still quite tender so I 
had to eat it slowly, but that just gave me the chance to savor 
every bite that much longer. Scully's scrambled eggs were certainly 
a welcome change from all that hospital food I had to endure.

It's a strange feeling to eat your food without seeing it. You 
never know what you're going to get with each bite, and once you're 
done, you never really know if you've finished everything on your 
plate or not. They showed me at the hospital how to think of my 
plate as a clock, with each kind of food placed at a certain time. 
Scully put my eggs at 6:00 and my two pieces of toast at 2:00 and 
10:00. I did pretty good with her arrangement, although once I did 
stick my fork into a piece of toast. It will take some getting used 
to, but I suppose I'll eventually get the hang of it.

Right now Scully's in the kitchen taking care of the dishes. "I
think I'd like to call it a night, Scully. I'm really tired,"
I called out to her.

"I'm just finishing up in here. I'll be there in a minute."

"Okay." I couldn't stop yawning, and I laid my head back against 
the couch. I thought about the kiss I gave Scully earlier, and how 
much I wished I could've seen her face when I placed it on her cheek. 
I'm so grateful for all that she's done for me. I know she deserves 
a lot more than a kiss from me, but right now, it's all I'm able to
give.

"You're not fading out on me, are you, Mulder?" She sat down next
to me on the couch, startling me out of a light doze.

"I guess I am having a hard time staying awake."

"Well, you can't go to sleep yet. You still need to take your final
pill of the night and we still have to put some drops in your eyes.
Doctor's orders."

"Which doctor--Dr. Becker or Dr. Scully?"

"Both."

As sleepy as I was, I knew she was right. The pill isn't too bad 
to take, but I hate having those eye drops put in. They sting so 
badly, it feels like I'm having drops of acid put in my eyes.

Once Scully dug my medication out of my bag, she asked, "Do you
want to try to do this by yourself or do you want me to help you?"

"I don't think I'm up to trying it by myself tonight. If you don't
mind, I'd like you to do it."

"Okay, here you go, Mulder," she said as she placed a pill bottle
in my hand. "Pay attention to the way this bottle feels because I
might not always be around to get it for you when you need it. I'm
going to make a little tear in the label so you'll know it's the
right bottle."

"That's a good idea, *Dr.* Scully." I teased.

"Now it says here that you need to take one pill two times a day.
One in the morning and one at night should be easy for you to
remember. That way, you won't have to worrying about setting the
clock as a reminder." She then proceeded to give me one of the
pills and some water to drink.

"As for your eye drops, those have to be put in three times a day.
I'd say after each one of your meals would be a good time for that.
Your eyes also have to be cleaned at least twice a day too. Now,
I'll take care of them tonight, but you'll need to learn how to do
it yourself. Did Dr. Becker explain to you the proper way to clean 
them?"

"Yeah, he did, but it wouldn't hurt to have my *other* doctor go
over it with me a second time."

"Mulder."

By the tone of her voice, I'd say she was raising that left eyebrow
of hers right about now.

After Scully got the proper antibacterial soap, water, and washcloth,
she took each of the shields off my eyes, and then the patches. My
eyelids involuntarily fluttered with the exposure to the fresh air, 
and I felt rather self-conscious.

Scully didn't say a word about them though. She just kept right 
at the task at hand, gently tilting my head back and carefully 
washing around each eye, as well as over my eyelids and lastly 
in the delicate corners of each eye. The entire time she explained 
what she was doing and how she was doing it. Her gentle touch and 
soothing voice were so relaxing, I found myself starting to doze 
again.

"Mmmmm...that feels good," I said sleepily.

"Well, don't get too comfortable, Mulder. I still have to put your
eye drops in. Let me just put these things in the bathroom and
then we'll get that taken care of. It'll be over before you know
it."

Once she got the drops, she tilted my head even farther back against
the couch and leaned over the top of me, resting one of her arms on
my chest. "Okay, Mulder, I'll try to do this as quickly as I can.
Are you ready for this?"

"Scully, are you coming on to me?"

"Mulder."

I'm sure that comment got the eyebrow response as well.

"Just hold still."

"Alright, let's get it over with."

"I'm going to put two drops in your right eye, and then I'll do
the left one."

She slowly pulled back the lid of my right eye, but just enough to
put the drops in the corner. The drops stung when they hit my
eyeball and I immediately flinched, almost knocking Scully over in
the process. "Oohsh..." I grumbled, along with a couple other
indecipherable words.

"Hurry up and do the other one, Scully," I said, gritting my teeth.

Before I had a chance to flinch again, she quickly pulled back my
other lid and deposited two more drops.

"I'm all done now, Mulder."

Thank God.

The burning in my eyes was intense, and I reached out and grabbed
Scully's arm in an attempt to steady myself.

"You okay, Mulder?"

"I've been better," I managed to say while trying to compose myself.

"I'm sorry," she replied sympathetically as she brushed the back 
of her hand across my forehead. "I'll go get things ready for you 
so you can go to bed."

"Thanks for helping me, Scully."

She got up from the couch, squeezed my arm, and quietly said, "I'm
just glad you're letting me."

Before I had a chance to reply, she was gone.

~~~~

1:21 am

I can't sleep.

I've been lying here for the past two hours, tossing and turning
and thinking. As tired as I am, I can't seem to turn my mind off.
I peeked in on Mulder about a half-hour ago and he's sleeping
soundly, so I'm not really sure why I'm worrying so much. Actually, 
I think his first night back home went really well...or maybe that's 
why I am worrying.

Maybe it went too well.

For starters, he gave me that kiss. That wonderfully sweet kiss.

The way he pressed his rough lips against my cheek and just held
them there....it about took my breath away. He's given me kisses
on the cheek before, but none of them even compare to the way this
kiss made me feel.

He also teased me a lot and was really upbeat about everything.
That surprised me, considering the situation he's in. Because
there's so much he can't do yet on his own, I expected him to
irritable and impatient, but he wasn't like that at all. In fact,
he pretty much let me help him with everything.

I knew this was only the first night of many, but maybe staying
here wouldn't be so hard after all. In fact, maybe it would bring
us even closer to each other...

I got up from the couch and went to Mulder's bedroom to check
on him one last time. He must've been in a deep sleep because I
could hear him snoring. Not a loud snore though. Just a quiet
humming snore.

I walked over to his bedside and looked down at him. I was glad 
he was sleeping here in his own bed instead of the one at the 
hospital.  He looked comfortable and here he wouldn't have to 
worry about any nurses disturbing him in the middle of the night.

I bent down even closer to his face and placed a kiss on his 
cheek, letting it linger, just as he did to me earlier. My 
display of affection caused him to shift a little, but he didn't 
wake up.  Satisfied with my final checkup of him for the night, I 
headed back to the couch.

Maybe now I could finally relax and get some sleep.

~~~~

Sunday, April 29
7:34 am

I was awakened by a string of obscenities and a crash.

Immediately jumping off the couch, I ran to the kitchen. There was 
cereal all over the floor, along with several pieces of a broken bowl.  
Mulder was standing by the refrigerator with milk dripping down the 
front of his pajamas. His hair was disheveled, his feet bare, and
he looked really irritated.

"Mulder, are you okay?" 

"I can't even fix myself a goddamn bowl of cereal!" he shouted.

Now there's the impatient and volatile Mulder I know and love.  So
much for the relaxed day we had yesterday.

"Calm down, Mulder. It's alright. I can get you a bowl of cereal," 
I said, as I walked over to him and touched his arm.

He jerked his arm out of my grasp and hissed, "I don't want you 
to fix me a bowl of cereal.  I should be able to do it myself, 
for Christ' sakes. I'm not a child."

"I know you're not a child," I stated as calmly as I could.

"Well, then don't treat me like one," he snarled back at me.

I touched his arm again, but this time, I didn't let him out of my
grasp.  "I know how frustrating this is, but you've got to give 
it some time."  

As I talked, the tenseness in his arm disappeared.  "You just got
home yesterday.  You can't expect to do everything all at once.  
Here, take my arm and let me help you into the living room.  I 
don't want you stepping on any of these broken pieces and cutting 
your feet."

I carefully guided him out of the kitchen and onto the carpeted
living room floor.

Much to my surprise, he let me.

"Scully, I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Mulder. Let me get you a towel
so you can wipe that milk off your clothes."

After grabbing a towel from the kitchen, I said, "I'm going to clean 
up the floor, and when I'm done, if you'd like me to, I'll help you 
fix some breakfast.  I won't make it for you.  I'll just help you.  
Will you let me help you, Mulder?"

"I wanted to surprise you," he said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"What do you mean?"

"I knew you were still sleeping, and I wanted to surprise you by
making my own breakfast.  I thought you could use the extra rest."

Amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

He's the one who's hurt and he's thinking about what I need. This
man never fails to surprise me.

"But Mulder, how did you know I was still sleeping?"

"When I woke up and didn't hear you, I figured you were still 
sleeping.  I made my way over to the couch, and put my hand on 
your stomach. I could tell by the way you were breathing that 
you were still asleep."

He paused and a slight grin crossed his face. "You were also 
snoring."

"I don't snore," I protested.

"Hey, I'm just telling you what I heard.  My ears are especially
tuned into things now and it was definitely snoring, Scully."

"Wipe yourself off, Mulder," I grumbled as I threw the towel at
his chest.

"Anyway, I was really hungry so I thought I'd try to make my own
breakfast.  I guess I wasn't too successful, was I?"

"We just have to come up with some kind of a system for you, 
that's all.  We need to designate some areas in the kitchen for 
specific food items and also have an area for certain dishes 
and utensils. I'm sure we can figure something out, but right 
now, I really should go clean up that mess."

"It seems like you're always having to clean up my messes, doesn't
it?" 

His voice was tinged with sadness, and I wasn't really sure how
to respond to the question or if I should even try. 

Instead, I simply took his hand in mine and said, "Things *will*
get better, Mulder...I know it."

I wished he could've seen my eyes when I said those words.

Maybe then he'd actually believe me.

~~~~

8:30 am

After eating breakfast and clumsily getting myself dressed, I made
my way to the bathroom.  Thanks to Scully, I knew right where to 
find the toothpaste and my toothbrush.  However, brushing my teeth 
proved to be difficult because I couldn't open my mouth very wide.  
It was still tender around my lips where my stitches were, and I 
had to sort of ease the toothbrush into my mouth a little at a time. 
I'm not sure how clean I got my teeth, but they definitely felt 
better than they did this morning when I first got up.

Just doing those few things wore me out, and I needed to sit down 
for a moment. Bracing myself against the counter, I lowered myself 
until I was sitting on the toilet lid.  Bending forward, I rested 
my elbows on my knees and cupped my chin in my hands. 

I was immediately struck by just how dry and rough my face felt. 
Not only did I have a couple days worth of beard stubble, but there 
were several scabs that were still healing.  The gash on my chin felt 
particularly jagged and uneven as I ran my fingertips over its bumpy
surface. 

"Would you come in here, Scully?" I called out from the bathroom.

I heard her footsteps come closer, and I took a deep breath in
anticipation of what I was about to ask.

She saw me sitting down and quickly asked, "You okay, Mulder?"

"Yeah, I'm okay.  I just needed to sit down for a minute.  I think
I might've tried to do too much this morning."

"Well, maybe you should lie down for awhile and rest."

"I'll be okay.  It's just that...I was wondering if maybe...you 
could help me with something."

"What is it, Mulder?  What do you need help with?" 

"Um, I was sorta hoping...hoping that maybe you'd help me...shave..."

Silence. 

"Scully, did you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Well then, will you help me?"  I paused, waiting for her to say 
something, anything.

"Mulder..."

"I know you've done so much for me already, but I could *really* 
use a shave.  The last time I got one was at the hospital, and that 
was two days ago. I'd do it myself if I could, but I don't trust 
myself with a razor, at least not yet anyway. I trust you though." 

Long pause.

"Okay, I'll do it. I'll help you shave."

She tried to cover the uneasiness in her voice, but I could tell
she was a little uncomfortable about the situation.

Actually, so was I.

The next sound I heard was the faucet being turned on. Then I heard
her take the shaving cream and razor out of the medicine cabinet and 
a towel out of the cupboard.  Once she had all three items, she 
placed them on the counter and turned off the faucet, all without 
saying a word.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

~~~~

Mulder asked me to shave him.

A simple request really, and not entirely unexpected, yet as I
reached for the faucet to turn it on, I found my hand to be 
somewhat unsteady.

Okay, so I was a little nervous.

Shaving a man is such an intimate act.

An act of trust.

An act between lovers, not work partners.

I know I shouldn't be uncomfortable about such a simple request,
but I am.  Giving Mulder medication or cleaning his wounds is no
big deal.  Why should giving him a shave be any different?

I know why.

I'm just afraid to admit it.

While the sink was filling with water, I got out his razor and 
shaving cream and took down a towel from the cupboard.  I tested
the water to make sure it wasn't too hot by splashing a little
on my own face. Then I took a deep breath and said, "Okay, Mulder, 
everything's all ready.  Are you?"

"I...think so."

Was that a little uncertainty I just heard in his voice?  

Maybe he's feeling kind of nervous too.

"You should probably take off your shields and patches, Mulder.
It'll be easier for me to shave your cheeks if you do.  Do you
need some help?"

"No, I can get them off myself."

Once his eyes were exposed to the air, his eyelids started to 
involuntarily flutter like they did last night, and he seemed 
sort of embarrassed.  

"I bet it feels good to get those off your face, doesn't it?"  

"Oh, yeah, " he replied as he tried to find a place to set the
newly removed eyewear.  I took them from his hand and set them 
on the ledge of the bathtub.

Bending over to get a better look, I gently touched the puffiness
around each closed eye.  His skin was shiny and slick with sweat,
and in the corners of his eyes was a crusty discharge.  Some of his
lashes were stuck together, and he still had some light bruising 
around his right eye.  But despite this rather ragged appearance, 
both eyes actually looked better than they did last night when I 
put his drops in. 

"Hold still a minute."

I took a tissue and carefully wiped off his eyelids and then the 
corners of each eye. "Your eyes are looking better, Mulder.  How 
do they feel?" 

"They're okay, I guess...Dr. Becker said that if things look good 
when I see him on Thursday, I wouldn't have to wear the shields 
or patches anymore. I'm ready for more though..." 

His voice trailed off, but I knew exactly what he was thinking.

"I know how much you want to open your eyes, but Dr. Becker said
it'd probably take several more days before they're healed enough
to be kept open for any length of time.  You have to be patient, 
Mulder."

Leaning in closer to him, I lightly brushed the back of my hand 
across his dark prickly face.  Then I grabbed the towel from the
counter and draped it across his chest and said, "Now let's get 
started with that shave, okay?"

~~~~

I've always known that Scully was good with a scalpel so I guess it
figures that she'd be good with a razor as well.  Her technique of 
slow and gentle strokes put my own shaving routine to shame.

The coolness of the soft foam...the warm water...the delicate touch 
of her fingertips...the smoothness with which she moved the razor 
across my face...it was all so soothing...

When I shave myself, I'm usually in a hurry and I don't really pay
attention to how it feels.  All I'm usually thinking about is how 
fast I can get it done, but right now this feels so good that I 
don't mind at all how long it's taking.

~~~~

I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

He looked so vulnerable sitting there with his head tilted back,
and patches of shaving cream covering various spots on his face.  
His eyes were closed, but I could tell by his relaxed posture that 
he trusted me to do this. 

My hands were a bit shaky at first, but it didn't take long for 
me to get comfortable with what I was doing.  Mulder seemed to be
comfortable with everything too as he didn't flinch or complain 
once.

He trusted me not to cut him, and I trusted him not to move.

It was as simple as that.

Once I finished with the actual shaving, I took a warm wet 
washcloth and placed it against his skin, wiping first around 
his eyes and then working my way down his nose, cheeks, and chin.  
Then I gently patted his face dry with a towel. 

After pulling the drain on the sink and laying the towel down on 
the counter, I stepped back to look at my handiwork.  Despite the
stitches and a few scattered scabs on his face, Mulder's skin 
looked so much better than it did earlier.

Not bad for my first shave job.  Not bad at all.

And as for the apprehension I felt earlier, it was as if it had
been washed down the drain along with Mulder's beard stubble. 
In fact, I rather enjoyed doing something nice for him, and based
on the little sighs of pleasure I heard him make as I shaved him, 
I'd say he enjoyed it too.

"So, how much is this shave gonna cost me?" Mulder asked, 
disrupting my pleasant thoughts.  He smiled, causing tiny 
crinkles to form around his closed eyes.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe since you're my first customer, I'll
let you have a discount.  In fact, I may even throw in a free
bonus gift," I playfully replied.

"I'm listening."

"Well, I wouldn't normally do this for just any customer, but
since you sat so still and didn't give me a hard time, I've got
something extra special for you."  

I put my hands on his shoulders and leaned in closer to his face.  
His body stiffened in anticipation, and I had him right where I 
wanted him.  "Would you like to know what your bonus gift is?" 

"Yes," he quickly answered.

"It's two free drops in each eye...and as luck would have it, I
just happen to have your gift in my hand right now," I teased.

"Awww...man..." Mulder clutched his chest in mock disappointment
and slouched against the counter. "What if I'd rather pay full 
price and not accept the bonus?"

"It's non-negotiable.  Now hold still, Mulder so I can put these
drops in while your eyes are uncovered."

Surprisingly, he obediently sat still and waited for me to make
two quick liquid deposits in each eye.  He didn't flinch as much
as he had the previous night, and I took that as a good sign.

After getting used to the drops in his eyes, he asked, "Next time 
I come to you for a shave, can I pick out a different gift?" 

"Maybe...but only if you're good."

~~~~

11:30 am 

After an early lunch, Scully read some of the newspaper to me while 
I rested on the couch.  I thought it'd be nice to know what was 
going on with the rest of the world, but instead I found myself 
concentrating more on the lilting sound of her voice than on what 
she was actually reading.

The apartment was quiet except for the occasional rustling of the 
newspaper when she turned a page, and every once in awhile the
bitter smell of her coffee would waft over in my direction.  Usually, 
we're out of town investigating cases on the weekends, but today 
it was just the two of us doing what millions of other people do 
on Sunday mornings.

Relaxing.

It was nice.

Actually, ever since I've been home from the hospital, things have
been nice.  Well, maybe not nice. I guess a better word would be
comfortable.  Yeah, things have been comfortable between us.  

I was concerned about us staying here together, but so far things 
have gone fairly smoothly. With the exception of my cereal incident 
this morning and the initial awkwardness during my shave, I'd say 
things were going rather well.

Unfortunately, things may not stay that way.

While Scully's been reading the newspaper, I've been doing some 
thinking.  I've been thinking about the one thing between us that 
hasn't been addressed yet.  The one thing Scully's avoided right 
from the beginning and has continued to avoid for the last ten 
days.

What happened the night of the explosion.

I can't believe that I've let her go this long without talking
about it.  Normally, I would've called her on it a long time ago,
but in all honesty, I'm just now feeling strong enough to deal with 
it.  I've never been injured to this degree before, and it's taken 
so much more out of me than I ever expected.

But now as I lie here, with her safely and comfortably in the chair 
next to me, I find myself with a strong urge to talk about things.
For the past several nights, I've been remembering more and more 
about what happened, and finally last night, the remaining pieces 
fell into place.

I remember exactly what happened, and I don't want to keep quiet
about it any longer. I need to tell her what I did that night and 
why I did it.  

And I need her to understand.

"Scully?"

"Geez, Mulder, you startled me. You were so lying so still, I thought 
you were sleeping."

"No, I've been thinking."  I raised myself up to a sitting position
on the couch and said, "Put the newspaper down, and come over here."

I heard her fold up the newspaper and lay it down on the coffee
table.  I heard her feet padding across the floor, and then she was
sitting beside me.  

"What is it, Mulder?"  Her voice had a nervous edge to it, and 
suddenly I was feeling rather nervous myself.

I reached out for her, and she gently placed her hands in mine.
Then I took a deep breath, and said, "I need to talk to you about 
something, something that we've both put off for far too long."

She immediately tried to release her hands from my grasp, but I
wouldn't let her.  Instead I held her hands tighter and said, "I
want to talk about the night of the explosion. I need to tell you
what happened, and you're going to listen."

~~~~

12:10 pm

He wanted to talk about the explosion. 

And I didn't.

I had successfully pushed it to the back of my mind, hoping that I 
wouldn't have to discuss it again, but now here he was, trying to 
force me to relive all those painful memories.  

The panic I felt as I pulled pieces of glass out of his skin...the
frozen terror I felt as I held his bloody face in my hands...the
overwhelming guilt I felt, and continue to feel...

I didn't want to think about any of it.

"No, Mulder, I don't want to talk about that night.  You're okay 
now, and that's what matters to me."  I tried to break his hold on 
me, but his grasp just got tighter.

"Damn it!" Mulder shouted as he suddenly let go of my hands. His
action startled me, and I jumped up from the couch.

At first, I thought he was cursing at me, but I quickly realized 
that his tight grip on me had hurt his hands.  

"Are you all right, Mulder?"  I asked tentatively.

"No, Scully, I'm not all right," he abruptly said, shaking his 
hands in an effort to relieve the pain he was obviously feeling.  
"And I'm not going to be all right until we discuss a few things. 
Sit back down."

His voice had become lower now, and I knew he meant business.

I sat down, but at the other end of the couch.

"You need to calm down, Mulder.  It's not good for you to get so
upset," I stated, trying to calm myself as well as him.

"You know, Scully, I remember you saying that to me before at the 
hospital when I tried to talk to you about the explosion.  I 
didn't like it then, and I don't like it now."

After taking a deep breath, he continued, "I want to tell you some
things, some things you need to know about that night.  Will you
just listen to me?"  He tilted his head in my direction, anxiously 
awaiting my answer.

I crossed my arms and rested them on my lap, then quietly replied,
"Okay, Mulder.  I'm listening."

~~~~

"I know you feel guilty about what happened to me, Scully." 

I heard a small gasp escape from her throat, and I knew I had her
complete attention.  

"It's not your fault."

I leaned towards where she was sitting, and placed my right hand on
the couch beside her, hoping that she might take it.

She didn't.

"It's not your fault that I was hurt, Scully. I know you've been
keeping yourself distant from me because you think you're the one
who caused my injuries, but you're wrong.  What happened to me is 
my fault, not yours." 

"You didn't set that bomb or put it in the alley.  Hutchison did.
How can you even say such a thing?" Scully asked. 

"I didn't let you call the bomb squad before we went to Lowrey's.
I didn't let you call for backup.  Hell, I didn't let you call 
anyone.  I just *had* to check things for myself, and based on 
what?  A goddamn hunch?  By going to that store without adequate
backup, I put a lot of people's lives in jeopardy, including yours.  
I should've thought things through, but as usual, I didn't, and 
now...." 

I wiped my forehead with the palm of my head and sighed.  "I did
this to myself, Scully.  You didn't do anything wrong."

Scully slipped her hand into mine, and said, "This is *not* all 
your fault, Mulder. I should've insisted that we do things 
differently, and I didn't.  Regardless of what you told me, I 
should've called for backup, and I didn't. I went right along 
with you in your search because, in all honesty, I thought the 
whole thing was a wild goose chase. I never expected a bomb to be 
there, and I certainly never expected one to go off with you right 
by it. In hindsight, I'd say we *both* made mistakes that night, 
Mulder...mistakes that nearly cost you your life...and mine."

She was still blaming herself for what happened, and I couldn't 
let her do it anymore. 

I had to tell her what I did.  I had to tell her the truth.

~~~~

He scooted closer to me on the couch so that our legs were touching, 
and took my other hand in his.  I couldn't see his eyes, but I could 
tell by his posture and the way he was nervously rubbing his thumb 
against the back of my hand that he had something more to say to me.  

And I had a strong feeling I wasn't going to like it.   

"You need to stop feeling guilty, Scully.  The decisions I made 
that night were *my* choices, not yours.  You aren't responsible 
for what happened to me.  I am," he said quietly.

"But Mulder, you're wrong.  I never should've left you alone in 
that alley.  After we determined that the area was clear, we *both* 
should've gone back into the store and decided what our next course 
of action would be.  If I had stayed with you to look around some
more, I might've been able to help you find the bomb sooner, and 
then you never would've been hurt."

"But that's just it, Scully.  I didn't want you out there with me."

Long pause.  

"I wanted you inside the store...where it was safer."

"What do you mean, 'where it was safer'?"  You told me you that the
area you searched was clear.  Are you trying to tell me now that it 
wasn't?"

Mulder's hands trembled in mine, sending a nervous chill throughout
my entire body.

"I had to protect you, Scully."

He tilted his head down, and spoke in such a hushed voice that I 
could hardly hear him.

"Protect me?"

"There wasn't much time."

His hands were really shaking now, and he quickly released them
from mine.

Oh my God.

Is he saying what I think he is?

"I had to do it, Scully.  I had to send you away.  I had to keep 
you safe."  

His head was hanging even lower now, with his forearms resting on
his knees.  I didn't need to see his face to understand what he 
was telling me.

Oh my God.

Suddenly all the pieces fell into place.

And I fell apart.

Instantly, I jumped up from the couch.  My heart was pounding
and my knees felt weak as my voice exploded into a flurry of 
emotions. "How dare you, Mulder!  How dare you make a decision 
like that!"

"Scully, I...I thought I was doing...the right thing," he stuttered.

"The right thing? Since when is handling a bomb the right thing?!"
I shouted.  "You knew that bomb was there the whole time and you
didn't tell me!  That's what happened, isn't it?  You heard it, 
you saw it, you decided to play hero, and then you nearly got 
yourself killed!  Damn it, Mulder.  You should've called for help 
immediately!  How could you risk your life like that?  How could 
you do that to me?!" 

I screamed so loud, I could swear the walls were shaking.

I know I was.

Mulder stood up from the couch and tried to move closer to me,
but I backed up. 

"Don't walk away from me, Scully.  Let me explain," he pleaded.
 
"I don't want to hear your excuses, Mulder.  What you did was
stupid and selfish.  You made a life-threatening decision without 
even considering how it would affect me, not to mention all those 
other people in the store!  What if you had been killed?  Then
where would that have left me...with a dead partner, that's where!"

He stepped towards me again, but I moved closer to the door. I was 
angry and hurt and confused and all I wanted to do was get as far
away from him as I could.

"Scully, you've got to listen to me!  Please, just let me explain."

I wiped away a few stray tears that were making their way down my 
burning cheeks. "I've got to get out of here.  I can't listen to 
this anymore." 

"Don't go, Scully.  We need to talk," he begged as he reached out
and tried to grab my arm.

I angrily pushed his hand away, and forcefully stated, "No, Mulder.
I've heard enough."

And before he could say anything else, I walked out, slamming the 
door behind me.

~~~~

She left me.

She walked out the door and didn't even let me try to explain.

How could she do that?  

During all our years together, she's never so cruelly dismissed
me before.  Even during some of our most heated arguments, she's
always at least listened to my side.

But she didn't even give me a chance today.

She didn't give me a chance to tell her about the panic that 
gripped my heart when I discovered that bomb hidden among some 
old boxes in the alley.  

She didn't let me tell her that the time left on the bomb was 
barely over a minute and that there was no time to argue with her 
about what to do. 

She didn't let me explain the overpowering fear I felt as I held 
that bomb in my hands and threw it into that dumpster...or how I 
desperately prayed for her safety and my own as I made a frantic 
dash for the nearest wall.

She didn't give me a chance to tell her that she's the most 
important person in the world to me, and that I did what I did 
so that she would be safe.

She walked away from me, and there was really only one thing left 
for me to do.

Go after her.

~~~~

He lied to me.

All this time, he's kept the truth from me, and now I don't know 
what to think or feel or believe.

Once I got on the other side of his door, I tried to calm myself
down, but I couldn't.  I had to get away from him and the sooner, 
the better.  I didn't want to wait for the elevator so I took the 
stairway instead.

My eyes were so blurry from crying and my hands were shaking so 
badly, I don't know how I managed to make it down four flights 
of stairs without falling. I quickly made my way out to my car,
being careful to avoid eye contact with anyone else who happened
to be around.

When I finally sat down in the driver's seat, my heart was racing
and beads of sweat were trickling down my forehead.  I wiped my
face off with a tissue and took some deep breaths, then laid my
head back against the headrest and closed my eyes.

Mulder lied to me.

He made a crucial decision, lied to me about it, and almost died
because of it.
  
The rational part of me wanted to stay with him and listen to his
explanation, but the emotional side of me just wasn't ready to 
hear it.  

I needed time to be alone.  I needed to think, and sitting in my 
car was not the place to do it. I needed to go someplace where I 
felt safe, someplace away from Mulder.  

I needed to go home.  *My* home.

~~~~

I had to go after her.

I knew it was a crazy thing to do, but every instinct was telling
me that I had to at least try.  If I could get to her before she 
got into her car, maybe she'd listen to me.

I had to take the chance.

I made my way into the bedroom as quickly as I could, then crawled
around on the floor, trying to find some shoes to put on.  I found
a pair of old loafers I had in the closet and slipped them on.
With my right arm stretched out in front of me and my left arm
stretched out to the side, I felt my way to the front door.

I figured she was already out in the parking lot by now, but maybe
if I hurried fast enough I could still catch her. I knew the stairs 
were too dangerous for me to try so I opted for the elevator.  

When Scully brought me home from the hospital, I had counted the
number of steps it took to get from the elevator to my door. I 
figured I'd probably need to know that for future reference, and 
now I'm glad that I did.  I counted out 21 steps, and sure enough, 
upon reaching out in front of me, I felt two smooth metal doors.  
I ran my fingers along the wall until I found the button and 
pressed it. 

Once on the elevator, I tried to see the position of the floor 
buttons in my mind so I could press the first floor.  After 
pressing the one I thought was right, I waited.

It was the longest elevator ride I'd ever been on.

When it finally stopped and the door opened, I called out her name,
hoping that maybe, just maybe she was close enough to hear me.

"Scully, are you out here?"

No answer. 

Stepping out of the elevator, I turned to my right.  If I was in
the lobby, the mailboxes would be to my right.  And sure enough,
they were. I then navigated my way to the door.  Upon opening it,
I discovered that it was really windy outside, and my face and arms 
were hit with a strong blast of cold air.

Scully was probably long gone by now, but I stepped out onto the
front stoop and called out for her anyway.

"Scully, please...let me explain."

My voice sounded weak against the harsh wind, but I tried again.

"Scully, can you hear me?  Answer me."

But there was no answer.  here was only the cold wind slapping me
in the face.

I was too late.

~~~~

I was finally ready to go home.

After sitting in my car for at least ten minutes, I finally felt 
composed enough to safely drive to my apartment.  I turned on the 
engine, and was about to pull out into the street when I saw him.

It was Mulder.

He was standing by the front door wearing a t-shirt, sweatpants, 
and loafers.  One arm was holding onto the wall, the other was 
reaching out towards the stair railing.  It looked as if he was 
saying something, but since I was parked a little ways down the 
street, I couldn't tell for sure.  I turned off the engine and 
rolled down my window.

And that's when I heard it.  It was as if the wind carried his 
voice right to me.  He was calling out my name, and he sounded 
desperate.

My heart nearly leapt into my throat as I watched him slowly 
making his way down the steps.

Was he trying to follow me?  

He was only a few yards away from the street, and all I could 
think of was him walking right out in front of a car. Immediately, 
I hopped out of my own car, and ran over to him. 

"Mulder, what the hell are you doing?  Are you trying to get
yourself killed?" I angrily asked as I grabbed his arm to guide
him away from the street.

"Scully...you're still here," he said breathlessly.  

"Well, I was just about to leave when I saw you coming out of the
building.  Were you trying to follow me?"

"I had to, Scully.  You didn't give me a chance to explain.  I
had to come after you."  

His voice sounded sincere, but I was still so upset, I couldn't
stop myself from lashing out at him.  "You mean just like 'you had 
to' lie to me before, and 'you had to' send me away so you could 
take unnecessary chances with your life?"

My words were cruel, but I didn't care. I wanted to hurt him like 
he had hurt me.

"You shouldn't have tried to follow me, Mulder.  You're lucky I
saw you when I did.  You could've been hit by a car," I stated
brusquely.  "I'm going to help you back up to your apartment, 
and then I need to go.  I need to be alone."

"But Scully, I..."

"I can't do this now, Mulder," I interrupted. "Please...I need 
time. Just let me go."

I was expecting him to keep trying to persuade me to stay, but 
instead he said nothing.  In fact, not another word was spoken 
between us all the way back up to his apartment.

Once we got inside the door, he pulled me into a tight embrace, 
and whispered, "I don't want to let you go, but I will.  Go do 
what you have to."

Then he pushed me out of his arms, and walked away. 

~~~~

Walking away from her was one of the hardest things I've ever
had to do, but she needed time so I gave it to her.

Once I made it to my bedroom, I took my shoes off and laid down
on the bed.  Not only was I exhausted, but I was also cold.  Being 
outside in that harsh wind had given me the chills, and now that 
I was inside, the coldness I felt became even more intense.  After 
covering myself up with blankets, I curled my knees up to my chest.  
Maybe if I stayed this way long enough, I'd eventually warm up.

I don't know what I was thinking trying to go after Scully.
She doesn't want to talk to me.  She made that perfectly clear,
yet once again, I tried to push her to do something she didn't
want to do.

Will I ever learn?

~~~~

He let me go.  

He gave me what I asked for, yet here I was still standing in his
apartment.  For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to leave.

Something didn't seem right to me.  Maybe it was the sadness I
heard in his voice or maybe it was the coldness I felt in his
touch as he pushed me away.  

Whatever it was, it prompted me to go check on him in the bedroom.

As quietly as I could, I walked over to his door, and looked in on
him.  He was lying on the bed, covered in blankets up to his neck, 
and his head was turned away from the door so all I could really 
see was his hair.  

Something wasn't right.  I moved closer to get a better look.

Once I was beside his bed, I could see that he was trembling, and 
that he was rocking his body back and forth.  I don't think he 
knew that I was in here so I spoke softly so as not to startle him.

"Mulder, are you okay?"

"Go away, Scully."

I sat down on the edge of his bed, and felt his forehead with the 
back of my hand.  Then I pulled back the blankets and took one of
his hands in mine.  It was cold and shaky.

Mulder quickly jerked his hand away from me, and said, "Go away,
Scully.  I'm fine."  

"You're cold, aren't you?" I calmly asked, not letting the 
irritation in his voice dissuade me from getting a straight 
answer.

"I thought you were going to leave. Why are you still here?"  

"Your body's still recovering from a severe trauma, Mulder.  You 
never should've gone outside without a jacket."  Pulling the 
blankets back up over him, I continued, "You don't appear to have 
a fever, but you do have the chills.  You need to keep warm."

He pushed my hands away from him, and gruffly said, "You said you 
wanted to be alone, so go be alone."

And with that, he turned his back on me for the second time today.

As much as I didn't like hearing what he said, I knew he was right.  
I did say I needed time to be alone and think, yet here I was doing 
the exact things I didn't want him doing for me: hovering over him 
and being overly protective.

"You're right, Mulder.  I *do* need to be alone, and I guess you
do too."

I stood up from his bed, and as I walked out the door, I firmly 
said, "I'll be back later.  Don't try to call me."

~~~~

Scully was gone.

Surprisingly, I was relieved.

As much as I had begged her to stay before, I finally realized 
that some time apart really was the best thing for us.  Besides, 
with the way I was feeling now, I didn't really want to be around 
anyone, not even her.  My head was pounding, my eyes stung, and I 
was still feeling cold.

I also couldn't get our earlier conversation off my mind.  If only
she could've seen my eyes when I told her what I did.  Then maybe
she would've truly understood how strongly I felt about what I did 
that night, and that I really had no other choice.

In all honesty, I was having a hard time understanding exactly what 
it was that she was so angry about.  It's not as if it was the first 
time I've made dangerous and impulsive choices regarding her safety 
or my own.  I thought she knew me well enough by now to know that I 
would do anything to keep her safe, no matter what the cost.

I guess I was wrong.

Although I was finally beginning to feel warmer, I pulled the 
covers around me even more.  With the apartment so quiet, the 
blankets tightly tucked around me, and exhaustion overtaking 
my aching body, it wasn't long before I felt myself drifting off 
to sleep.

~~~~

Damn him.

He tells me all these things he did for *me*, expects me to
understand and accept them, and then he tells me to go away.

Who does he think he is anyway?

After driving way too fast to get here, I angrily walked into my
apartment, loudly shutting the door behind me. I took my jacket
off, plopped down on the couch, and stretched my legs out. Unlike
Mulder's black leather couch, my couch felt soft and comfortable,
and it fit my body just right. I closed my eyes, and let out a
big sigh. It felt good to be home.

And it felt good to be away from Mulder.

No, actually, that wasn't true.

I didn't feel good about being away from him. I should've stayed
there and listened to what else he had to say, but instead I just
lashed out at him without having all the facts.

Maybe there *is* more to his story.

Maybe there really wasn't enough time, like he said.

Maybe he was just doing what he's always done for me, protecting
me no matter what the risk.

Damn him.

I got up off the couch, and went into the bathroom to take a shower. 
The water's heat felt wonderful flowing over me, and I relished 
every droplet that touched my skin. I turned the water up to the 
hottest setting and tilted my face upwards, letting the water blast 
right into my face. Maybe if I stood here long enough, the pounding 
force of the water would wash away all the conflicting feelings I 
felt.

Twenty minutes later, when I finally turned off the water and got
out of my steamy haven, my body felt refreshed, but my heart still
ached.

After drying off and putting my robe on, I went into the kitchen.
I had completely forgotten that I hadn't had any lunch and it was
already after 2:00. No wonder my stomach was rumbling.

I didn't have much in the way of food since most of what I had
recently bought was over at Mulder's place. Luckily, I did have
a can of chicken noodle soup in the pantry, and feeling a sudden
surge of hunger, I quickly put it underneath the can opener so I
could open it.

"Damn it!"

In my haste to get the lid off, I somehow managed to cut two of my
fingers. Dropping the lid to the counter, I hurried over to the
sink to tend to my injured hand. I held my fingers underneath
some running water and put pressure on them in hopes of stopping
the blood, but it just kept coming.

Watching the swirling mixture of blood and water go down the drain,
I couldn't help but think about Mulder. The night of the explosion 
he was covered with blood, but unlike now, there was nothing I could 
do to wash it away.

As much as I've tried to put it behind me, I'll never forget that
night. The way the blood pooled around his eyes...the way his
bottom lip was torn...the way he quietly said my name right before
he passed out in my arms...

How did it feel? Did his eyes burn? Could he feel the glass cutting 
into his skin? Was he scared? Did he even know I was with him in 
the ambulance?

It's been nine days since the explosion, and because of me, we
hadn't even talked about *any* of those things.

How could I have done that to him?

When he was in the hospital, he wanted to talk about what happened
that night, but I kept avoiding the topic. Now today, he wanted
to talk again. He needed to tell me what he did and how he felt,
and once more I didn't want to listen to him.

Well, I can't keep running away anymore. I need to get past all
this guilt and hurt and confusion.

We both do.

After finally getting my fingers to stop bleeding, I dried my hand
off, and put a bandage on each cut. Then I picked up the phone and
pressed the familiar speed dial button.

In the silence of the kitchen, I could hear my heart pounding as I
anxiously waited for Mulder to pick up the receiver and answer.

One ring, two rings, then three and four. No answer.

"Come on, Mulder, pick up...pick up. I know you're there," I
nervously said out loud.

Still no answer.

After what happened earlier, I was sure he wouldn't try to go
anywhere, but that didn't stop me from worrying. He really wasn't
in the best of shape when I left him before. Maybe the chills he
had developed into a fever. Maybe he couldn't find the phone. Or
maybe he was sleeping so soundly that he didn't even hear the phone
ring. After all, he was in bed when I left him.

Well, there was only one way to find out.

I quickly got dressed, grabbed my car keys, cell phone, and jacket,
and was out the door within five minutes.

~~~~

2:35 pm

She felt so good in my arms.

Her skin was warm against mine, and she smelled of lilacs. Her eyes
were intense, yet gentle, and I wanted her. Wrapping my hand around
the back of her neck, I pulled her closer until our lips met in a
simple, yet exquisite kiss, and then...

She was gone.

I couldn't see her. I couldn't feel her. I couldn't hear her.

It was completely dark, and I was alone.

"No, don't...don't go...Scully...no..."

~~~~

I was just turning the key in the lock when I heard him calling
out my name. His voice sounded raspy and unguarded as if he was
dreaming. Quickly stepping inside, I immediately headed for his
bedroom.

"Don't go...don't leave me..." I heard him mumble. His words
were slurred, but I could understand what he was saying.

"Please, Scully...please..."

I sat down on the bed next to him, and softly said, "It's okay,
I'm right here." Then I put my hands on his shoulders, and gently
shaking him, repeated my words, "Everything's okay, Mulder. I'm
right here."

All of a sudden, he said, "Ummmpphh," and sat straight up, pushing
me backwards and almost knocking me off the bed.

"Scully...is that you?" His voice sounded groggy, as if he wasn't 
fully awake yet.

"Yes, Mulder, it's me. You were calling for me. You were having
a bad dream. It's okay," I said reassuringly.

He rubbed the back of his neck and let out a big sigh.  "You're
here," he declared, pulling me into his chest for a hug. "You're
here," he said again, as if to convince himself that it really 
was true.

"Yes, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

He held me even tighter, and I could feel his heart racing.

"After you left, I must've fallen asleep, but then there you were
beside me, and we were ki..."

He stopped himself in mid-sentence, and his body suddenly tensed up.

"What is it, Mulder?"

"You were gone, Scully. One minute, you were with me, and the next
minute, you were gone."

He took a deep breath. "I didn't know where you were, and everything
was dark, just like it is now."

I removed myself from his embrace, and sat back up on the edge of
the bed. Resting my hands on his legs, I calmly said, "Mulder, it
was only a dream."

Now fully awake, he shifted his body so he was more upright, and
replied, "But it seemed so real. It *felt* real."

"But it wasn't real, Mulder. You know I wouldn't just leave you
like that."

"You did this morning," he stated matter-of-factly.

"You're right, I did, but as angry as I get with you sometimes, you
know that I would never permanently leave you, don't you?"

"Yes, I know that," he quickly replied. Then he rubbed his chin and
added, "It's just that this dream...I can't help thinking that maybe
it was trying to tell me something, that's all."

"It's perfectly understandable that you would dream about being
left in the dark, especially given your current condition, but
Mulder, it was just a *dream*. That's all it was and nothing more."

After a long pause, he finally said, "I guess so."

Although he agreed with me, I don't think he really believed it,
and the more I thought about it, I wasn't so sure I did either.

~~~~

She came back.

She was so angry and hurt before, yet now she's sitting here on the
bed trying to comfort me as if our earlier conversation never took
place.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she decided to come back, and I'm
glad that she's okay, especially after the dream I just had. It's
just that I'd like to know why.

Could she actually be ready to listen?

"I thought you needed to be alone, Scully. Why'd you come back so
soon?" I asked cautiously.

"I've been reconsidering some things."

"What things?"

"I think I might've jumped to some conclusions about you before.
About what you did and felt that night," she admitted.

I could tell she was uncomfortable about making such an honest
statement to me, but I was glad because now I had an opening.

"I've been doing some thinking too." I let out a big sigh and
continued. "As much as you want to keep things inside, Scully, I
can't. I can't do it anymore. I need to talk about that night,
and I think you came back here because you needed to get some
answers."

Reaching for her hand, I said, "I'm ready to talk if you're ready
to listen."

She gave my hand a slight squeeze and hesitantly replied, "I don't
know if I'm ready, Mulder, but I'm willing to try."

~~~~

I had forgotten about my bandages, and before I had a chance to
release my hand from his, he was examining each of my fingers.

"These weren't here before. What happened?"

"I'm fine, Mulder. I just cut myself on a soup can lid. That's all.
It's no big deal," I answered as nonchalantly as I could.

I certainly didn't want to tell him about how much the cuts had 
bled, nor did I want to tell him that looking at all that blood 
was what had caused me to reconsider his actions on the night of 
the explosion, and then decide to come back to his apartment.

Luckily, he seemed to accept the answer I had given him.

~~~~

I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't telling me
everything about how she cut herself, but I wasn't going to push 
it.  Just the fact that she admitted that maybe she didn't have 
all the facts about the explosion was a big step in the right 
direction, and I didn't want to mess things up by continuing to 
question her about some cuts that she said were no big deal.

It was clear to me that she needed to do things at a certain pace,
and as much as I wanted to get everything out into the open, I was
willing to follow her lead.

"I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry," she finally said,
breaking the silence between us.

"Well, now that you mention it, I'm kind of hungry myself. What 
time is it, anyway?"

"It's about 3:00."

No wonder my stomach suddenly felt so empty.

"Scrambled eggs sound pretty good. That is, if you wouldn't mind
fixing them."

"You know, scrambled eggs *do* sound good. I'll make some while
you go take your pill for the afternoon," she said, standing up
from the bed.

Things had been so stressful earlier today that I had completely
forgotten about taking my second pill of the day. Leave it to
Scully to remember something like that in the midst of all our
emotional chaos.

While she headed off to the kitchen, I made my way to the bathroom.
Luckily, I knew that Scully kept the pill bottle on the second
shelf in my medicine cabinet so it was easy for me to find. As I
swallowed my pill, I couldn't help thinking back to what she had
said earlier about jumping to conclusions about me.

As anxious as I was to find out what those conclusions were, I had
to remind myself that she needed to do things in her own way, in
her own time.

And I had to let her.

~~~~

Eating together was awkward.

Our conversation was mostly filled with small talk, and despite the
fact that I felt ravenous before, now that I had some food in front
of me, I spent more time rearranging it on my plate than I actually
did eating it.

When Mulder was done eating, I took his plate, and put it in the
sink. Then I walked over to where he was sitting, and declared,
"I want you to tell me what happened in that alley, and I want you
to tell me all of it, Mulder."

~~~~

Finally.

After all this time, she's finally ready to listen to my side of
the story. I just hope I don't make things worse when I tell her
the truth.

"Okay Scully, let's talk."

"Not here though. I think we should go in the living room. It'll
be more comfortable sitting in there," she suggested.

Her voice sounded in control, but I knew her well enough to know
how hard all of this was for her. She took my arm and helped me
over to the couch, but she took a seat over in the chair.

"In all honesty, I really don't know where to start," I bluntly
stated. "Everything happened so fast that night, Scully, yet at 
the time, it felt like things were going in slow motion. You know 
what I mean?"

"I think so."

"And it was kind of like I was watching it happen to me instead of
actually going through it. I don't know how else to describe it."

I nervously reached out for one of the pillows on the couch, in
hopes that holding onto it would keep my hands steady, and in turn
keep my voice steady.

"When we first got to Lowrey's, I had this strong sense that
something wasn't right, that something didn't fit. The whole
time we were checking out the inside of Lowrey's, I couldn't
shake the feeling that we were looking in the wrong place, that
we should be checking outside in the alley instead."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"You were already irritated with me about not calling for backup,
and I wasn't about to tell you that I was pretty much basing all
my actions on a 'feeling' I had." Then I added, "I know how you
feel about that sort of thing, Scully."

"You're right, I was irritated, and with good cause. Like I told
you before, we should've called for backup as soon as we decided
to go to Lowrey's."

"I know," I weakly conceded.

"So...after our quick check inside the store, you suggested that
we search the alley next. You told me to check out the area near 
the front of the store, and that you would search the other end, 
the part that dead-ended into the fence."

I nodded my head in agreement and continued, "As soon as I
started looking back there, I saw a bunch of trash by the fence
along with some old boxes. The trash was just thrown into random
piles, but the boxes were all neatly stacked. I thought that was 
strange so I leaned in closer to get a better look. And that's 
when I heard the ticking sound."

"So, in other words, you saw and heard something suspicious 
right after you started your search, yet you chose to keep the 
information to yourself," she stated, cutting right to the truth.

Lowering my head, I reluctantly admitted, "Yes."

Then I sighed and softly said, "The moment I heard that ticking,
Scully, it felt as if...it felt like everything in my life was 
suddenly up for grabs, and I had to make a choice about what I 
could sacrifice...and what I could keep."

Long pause.

"I chose to keep you."

~~~~

Damn him.

Just when my anger about the situation was starting to build again,
he had to go and say something like that.

"Oh, Mulder." I got up from the chair and sat next to him on the
couch. "You should've told me immediately."

"I couldn't do that, Scully. All I could think about from that
point on was that I had to get you out of there. I looked back
over my shoulder at you, and you had your back to me so I started
moving the boxes and the other trash as quickly and carefully as
I could to see if I could find exactly where the bomb was. And
when I finally saw it behind that bottom box, my heart was pounding
so loud, I was sure you could hear it."

"Then right after that was when you told me that you hadn't found
anything and that maybe I should go back inside the store and look
around again," she stated, as if the pieces were all fitting 
together for her. "Mulder, you should've told me. I had my cell 
phone with me. I could've called for help. We could've evacuated 
the store. We could've..."

"No, Scully," I interrupted. "There wasn't time. There wasn't
time for any of that. That's what I tried to tell you before.
When I looked at the timer on the bomb, it had just a little
over a minute on it. I had to make a decision, and I had to make
it fast."

Letting go of the pillow I was holding, I turned towards Scully
and moved both of my hands up along her arms until I was touching
her face. "Do you know how that made me feel, knowing that the
choice I made could not only cost me my life, but yours as well?"

I thought she might try to move away from me then, but instead she
moved closer.

~~~~

"Do you know how I felt, how scared I was?" he asked me. His thumbs
were now stroking my cheeks, and before I realized it, I had moved
both of my hands up to his face.

"I couldn't lose you, Scully...I can't ever lose you," he whispered.

The raw emotion in his words touched me deeply, and I found myself
wanting to be even closer to him.

Leaning forward just enough so that our foreheads were touching, I
lightly traced over the gash on his chin, and whispered back,
"I don't ever want to lose you either, Mulder."

~~~~

I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to tell her I loved her.

More than anything, I wanted to show her just how much her words
meant to me.

But I couldn't do any of those things.

Not when I couldn't see her. Not when I couldn't look into those
beautiful blue eyes of hers.

It just wouldn't be right.

Instead I simply pulled her into my arms and held her.

~~~~

After several minutes of silence, he unwrapped his arms from
around me and quietly said, "I'm not finished."

"I'm listening," I replied, shifting my body back into a more
comfortable position.

"It was so hard for me, Scully. Having to lie to you, having
to keep myself calm, knowing that in less than a minute that bomb
was going to go off regardless of what I did. It was one of the
hardest things I've ever had to do."

Lowering his head, he added, "I know I wasn't honest with you then,
and I'm sorry about that, but I'm not sorry about the choice I 
made. You're my partner, Scully. I couldn't let you get hurt. I
*won't* let you get hurt."

"I don't need you to protect me, Mulder, but I do need you to 
be honest with me," I firmly stated.

"I know," he quietly agreed.

"That being said, I need to be honest with you too."

At the sound of those words, he immediately sat more upright and
turned his head towards me.

"Honest about what?"

"Mulder, I owe you an apology."

"What?" he replied, somewhat stunned. "What do you have to be
sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes, I did. I judged you too quickly and questioned your motives
without having all the facts, and for that, I'm sorry. I still
don't agree with the decision you made that night, but I know that 
your heart was in the right place when you made it."

"Oh Scully," he said, letting out a sigh of relief.

Before I had a chance to say anything else, he drew me into
another embrace. I wasn't expecting him to respond this way, yet
once his arms were around me, it was just what I needed. When we 
held each other earlier, it was intense, both of us desperately 
needing reassurance...needing to hold on...

But in this embrace, the desperation was gone.

~~~~

6:40 pm

I must've fallen asleep, although I don't remember drifting off.

There was a blanket over my legs, and I could hear the television
playing. Slowly raising myself up to a sitting position, I rubbed
the back of my neck and tried to get my bearings.

"Hey sleepyhead, how are you feeling?"

I could tell Scully was walking towards me from the kitchen, and as
I became more alert, I could also tell that something was cooking.

"How long have I been out?" I asked, taking the blanket off my legs
and setting it beside me.

"Not quite two hours. You must've been pretty tired, Mulder. You
were really snoring."

"No, I wasn't," I quickly answered, then conceded, "Well, maybe 
just a little."

She joined me on the couch, her body fitting perfectly next to 
mine.  "So, you didn't answer my question. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. My neck's a little stiff though," I stated, twisting
my head to the side in an attempt to get the kinks out. "I don't
even remember falling asleep. I hope it wasn't in the middle of a
conversation."

"We were talking, and then I left the room to get your eye drops.
When I came back, not only were you snoring, but you were also
drooling, not too much though," she teased.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "I guess it's going to take me awhile
to build up my strength."

"Yes it is, Mulder. Your body needs time to heal and you have to
be patient while it does," she said, placing a pillow behind my 
neck.  "Now I've got some vegetable soup heating on the stove, 
and I want you to eat some. Then when you're finished, we'll get 
those eye drops put in."

I don't care much for vegetable soup, but I knew there was no 
point in even trying to argue with her, so I simply nodded my 
head in agreement.

As I listened to her banging around in the kitchen, I thought 
back to what happened earlier between us. We had come to an 
understanding, I think...or maybe it was more of an acceptance.

After all this time, we had finally talked about the night of the
explosion. About what we did, what we felt, what we feared.

No words held back. No emotions kept hidden.

And when everything was said that needed to be, she had put her
arms around me, and told me how glad she was to have me in her 
life.

I don't think I ever felt more loved than I did in that moment.

"Mulder, are you okay?"

The sound of her concerned voice and the touch of her hand on my
shoulder interrupted my thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"I called your name three times. Didn't you hear me?"

"No, I didn't. I'm sorry, I guess I was sort of lost in my
thoughts."

"I just wanted to let you know that the soup's ready. Would you
like to eat it out here or in the kitchen?"

"In the interest of preserving the dryness of my leather cushions, 
I guess I'd better not eat it out here," I commented light-heartedly.

"Okay, just come out to the kitchen when you're ready."

"Hey, Scully."

"What?"

"I'm glad you're in my life too."

She ruffled her fingers through my hair, gently squeezed my 
shoulder, then headed back out to the kitchen, all without 
saying a word.

I didn't have to see her eyes to know how she felt.

~~~~

As I watched Mulder eat his soup, I couldn't stop looking at his
lips. They were a bit redder than usual, and if I looked closely
enough, I could see a couple of small scars on the right side of
his mouth. He ate tentatively, blowing on each spoonful first,
then slowly sipping the broth before eating the vegetables.

As he brought the spoon up to his lips each time, I also couldn't
help noticing the stitches on his fingers. He was able to hold
the spoon, but the stiffness in his fingers made it difficult for
him to get a tight grip on it.

Unlike the awkward meal we shared before, the atmosphere was much
more relaxed this time. We had finally discussed our feelings about
the explosion, and although it was hard reliving the horror of that
night, I'm glad that we got things out in the open.

"Hey, Scully."

"Is there something else you need, Mulder?"

"You know, I'm not normally a big fan of vegetable soup, but this
is really good. Is it your own special recipe or courtesy of a
can?" he happily asked in between slurps.

I was about to answer his question when I noticed that some soup
had dribbled onto the side of his chin. He didn't know it was
there, but I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I reached across
the table, then slowly wiping off his face, I replied, "As much
as I'd like to take the credit, all I did was open the can and
heat it up. Campbell's Soup did the rest. Would you like some
more?"

He smiled in acknowledgment of my gesture, then said, "No, I've
had enough to eat for now. I think I'd just like to stretch out
on the couch for awhile, if you don't mind."

"Sure, Mulder, let me get things cleaned up in here, and when
I'm finished, we'll get your eye drops put in. Then you can just
relax until you're ready to go to bed."

I watched as he picked up his soup bowl and spoon and made his
way over to the sink. Then he turned around and headed out
towards the living room, without once putting his arm out in
front of him for guidance.

"Pretty impressive, huh?" he bragged, walking past me with a
confident swagger.

"Yes it was."

~~~~

7:40 pm

"Are you ready for me?"

"Mmmm...what?" I sleepily replied.

"Are you ready for me to put your eye drops in?" she asked again,
scooting my legs over and sitting down on the couch beside me.

"I'm sorry. I guess I must've dozed off again," I stated, settling
into a sitting position.

"I know it's frustrating, but this constant fatigue is your body's 
way of telling you you're not getting enough rest. I think you 
should go to bed early tonight instead of staying out here, Mulder. 
Besides, the couch is my bed, and if you're still lying on it, it's 
going to be awfully crowded."

"And that would be a bad thing...how?" 

"Mulderrrr," she groaned, nudging me with her shoulder. Then
she started to remove the shields from my eyes and said, "Now stop
stalling and help me take these off so we can put your drops in."

"Okay," I conceded, "You're the doctor."

Once we got everything removed, I felt a rush of fresh air sweep
across my face, causing my eyelids to do their usual fluttering.
"Ahhh....that feels good," I commented, leaning back against the
couch. "You know, the patches really aren't so bad, but it sure
will be nice to get rid of these damn shields."

"Dr. Becker said that if everything checked out okay on Thursday,
you probably wouldn't have to wear the shields *or* the patches
anymore," she said optimistically.

"I know, but just because I may not have to wear them anymore
doesn't mean that my eyes will be back to normal." Nervously
biting my bottom lip, I added, "I'm afraid of what he's going 
to say, Scully."

She lightly traced her fingertips over my eyebrows in an outward
direction, then moved them down and around my eyes, and said,
"Mulder, I have every faith that you're going to get a good 
report from Dr. Becker, and there's no other reason for me to 
think otherwise."

I wanted to believe her.

Then she softly pressed the skin underneath my eyes, right above
my cheekbones. "You know, I think your eyes look better than they
did this morning. They're not nearly as puffy, and that bruising
under your right eye...it's lighter than it was earlier. By
Thursday, all this swelling and bruising should be completely
gone."

The next thing I knew, she was gently washing over and around
each of my closed eyes. The warm washcloth felt soothing against
my tender skin, and I inadvertently let out a couple of satisfied
moans.

"So, you like that, huh?"

"Yeah, you could say that," I answered contentedly.

"Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when I'm finished
I'm going to have to put those drops in."

"I know."

Carefully patting my face dry with a towel, she asked, "At least
the drops aren't as painful as they were the first time, are they?"

"They hurt like hell, Scully," I admitted. "Every time you put some
in, it's like you're putting drops of acid in my eyes."

"I'm sorry. I'll be quick, I promise. Tilt your head back, and 
let's get it over with."

She opened the corners of each of my eyes, then deposited the
drops as quickly as she had said she would. When she was done,
I let out a big sigh of relief, then wiped off the beads of sweat
that had broken out on my forehead.

Thank God, it was over with...for now.

~~~~

I hated putting those drops in his eyes, but as much as I disliked
seeing him in pain, I knew that they were helping his eyes get
better. Maybe once he could keep his eyes open for longer periods
of time, the drops wouldn't burn as much.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm alright. Just give me a minute," he replied with gritted 
teeth and tightly closed eyes.

"I'm going to go put these things away, and then I'll be right back." 
I dropped everything off in the bathroom, then went into his bedroom. 
After laying his pajamas on his bed and making sure that there was 
nothing on the floor for him to trip on, I headed back to the 
living room.

He was still sitting on the couch, but he was leaning forward now, 
resting his forearms on his thighs and holding his head in his hands.

"You okay, Mulder?"

When he raised his head, I could see that he had put his eyewear
back on. "I'm okay, just really tired. I think maybe I'm going
to take your advice and call it a night after all."

"You...take my advice? Now that's a first. Maybe I should mark it
on my calendar," I teased.

"Goodnight, Scully," he said, smiling as he stood up from the couch.

Watching him walk to the bedroom with relative ease, I couldn't
help but be pleased with how quickly he had learned to navigate 
his way around the apartment.

Right before he reached his bedroom, he turned around and said,
"Oh, and one more thing..."

"What's that?" I asked curiously.

"Thank you for today." And then he closed the door behind him.

~~~~

I couldn't sleep.

My body was certainly tired enough for sleep, but my mind was wide
awake. Scully and I had said a lot of emotional things to each other 
today, but there was one thing in particular she had said that had 
taken hold of me and wouldn't let go: "I don't ever want to lose you
either, Mulder."

She's never let me into her heart like that before.

Oh, I've known for quite some time that I'm important to her, maybe
*the* most important person in her life next to her mother, but for
her to openly admit that she doesn't want to be without me. That
was BIG.

Her words opened the door for me. Now I just have to take that 
first step inside.

I don't know how long I've been lying awake, but I can hear music
coming from the living room. It started just a little while ago,
and now she's probably sitting on the couch with her legs curled
underneath her, reading a book.

My guess is she'll probably read until she thinks I've fallen
asleep. Then she'll come in here to check on me. And if I know 
her, she'll only allow herself to sleep after she knows I'm out 
for the night.

While I was trying to get comfortable in yet another sleeping
position, I heard the door open. Rather than wait until she
got closer to the bed, I decided to let her know I was still
awake so I wouldn't startle her. "You can come in, Scully. I'm
still awake."

She padded across the floor and sat on the edge of the bed beside
me. "I was sure you'd be asleep by now. What's wrong, Mulder?
Are your eyes hurting?"

"I just can't seem to turn my mind off...too many things to think
about, I guess." I pulled myself up into a more upright position
and continued, "You know, as difficult as today was, I'm really
glad we talked, Scully."

"So am I," she softly answered.

She scooted a little bit closer to me, her pajama top brushing
against my arm.

"I haven't just been thinking about what happened today though.
I've also been doing a lot of thinking about us, and well, I'd...
I'd like you to...stay with me tonight," I requested, nervously
stumbling over my words.

"Of course I'm going to stay with you, Mulder. Where else would
I go? Besides, I'm already dressed for bed," she quickly answered,
completely misunderstanding my intentions.

"That's not what I mean. I want you to stay *next* to me...here,"
I quietly said, patting the place on the bed beside me.

She started to stand up, but I held onto her arm so she couldn't.
Surprisingly, she didn't resist.

"I don't want to be alone tonight, not after all we went through
today, not after all we said to each other..." I let go of her
arm and moved my hand up to her face. Lightly brushing my 
fingertips across her cheek and over her chin, I whispered, "Let 
me hold you tonight, Scully."

There, I did it. I took the first step.

Finally after a long uncomfortable silence, she got up off the bed.
My heart hammered in my chest as I nervously waited for her to say
something, but all I heard was the sound of her footsteps.

Was she just going to walk away from me?

The next thing I expected to hear was the door closing, but it never
did. Instead I heard her footsteps going around to the other side of
the bed, and I felt the covers being lifted off my legs.

And then there she was.

In my bed.

Right next to me.

She gently laid her head on my chest, and whispered, "I don't want
to be alone either."

~~~~


Monday, April 30
7:50 am

When I woke up, my body was wrapped around his.

I don't remember doing it, but sometime during the night I had
draped my arm across Mulder's waist and laid my leg over his thigh.
My face was nuzzled into the crook of his neck, and my hand was
clutching his.

I'd never been this close to Mulder before, yet it felt like the 
most natural thing in the world.

It felt right.

Carefully lifting my head up so as not to wake him, I glanced over
his shoulder at the clock. It was a little before 8:00. He was
scheduled to have the stitches in his fingers removed today at
10:00, which meant that we had at least another hour before we had
to get ready for the day.

The morning sun had pushed its way through the slats in the blinds,
casting striped shadows across the bed, and I could hear the faint
sound of a dog barking outside. Still feeling sleepy, I laid my
head back down next to his and closed my eyes. Listening to his
slow even breaths was comforting, and before long, I found myself
breathing in the same steady rhythm.

I was lightly dozing when I felt a kiss on my forehead. "Mmmm...."
I lazily mumbled, rolling onto my other side.

Then I felt another kiss, this time on my cheek.

"Mmmm...that's nice," I said sleepily, moving onto my back and
slowly opening my eyes.

"Just consider it a thank you."

"A thank you? For what?" I asked, blinking my eyes a few times in
an effort to adjust to the morning light.

"For keeping me warm last night."

After focusing my eyes and seeing his smiling face, I knew exactly
what he was talking about. "Um...sorry about that," I said, feeling
a bit flustered.

"I liked it, Scully," he immediately declared, rolling onto his
side and placing his arm over my waist. "You're a lot warmer than
my blankets....and softer too."

Now what was I supposed to say to that?

I had been pleased to wake up so close to Mulder this morning, yet
now that he was actually awake touching me and talking to me, I
wasn't sure how I felt.

I took a deep breath and looked over at him. His head was turned
towards me, and he was still smiling.

And that's when I knew.

There was absolutely no reason for me to be nervous about being 
in bed with this man.

Placing my hand on top of his, I lightly squeezed his fingers and
quietly said, "I liked it too."

~~~~

This was nice.

Lying here in bed with Scully...talking and touching and holding
her...listening to her breathe...feeling her body next to mine...

I could get used to this.

"You know, Mulder, we're going to have to get up soon."

I let out a disappointed sigh and said, "I know."

"It's about 8:45 now, but your doctor's appointment isn't until
10:00," she said in between yawns. "I guess a few more minutes in
bed wouldn't hurt," she added, shifting her body into another
position.

"I was thinking the exact same thing," I replied, rubbing her arm.

The next thing I knew, she was taking my left hand in hers. Lightly
brushing her fingertips across the tops of my fingers, she said,
"You know Mulder, once all these stitches are removed, the skin on
your fingers will be pretty sensitive. You might have a hard time
holding onto things for awhile."

"I know, but as long as you're around to pick up whatever I drop,
I'm not worried."

"Mulder..." she said, nudging my leg with her knee. I felt the
mattress shift as she sat up and decided to sit up too. "We
really should be getting up. You need to take your medicine and 
put your eye drops in, I need to take a shower, and we both need 
to eat some breakfast before we go to the doctor's office."

I didn't really want to get out of bed, but I knew she was right.
It wouldn't take her long to get ready, but it might take me awhile.

"I suppose you're right. You go ahead and use the bathroom first,
and I'll fix myself some breakfast. Maybe I can do it without
breaking a bowl this time," I said, remembering yesterday morning's
embarrassing incident.

"I know you can," she said reassuringly as she got out of bed and
headed towards the bathroom.

"Hey, Scully."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for staying with me last night."

"Thanks for asking me," she replied.

~~~~

9:22 am

After taking a shower, I got myself dressed, then went into the
bedroom to get my hair dryer. As I walked over to the dresser to
get it, I found myself glancing over at the bed.

Sleeping with Mulder last night had been wonderful, and waking
up this morning to his kisses...well, that had been even better.

I smiled at the thought of waking up like that *every* morning,
grabbed my dryer, then finished getting ready. After making a
quick phone call, I headed out into the kitchen. Mulder was
sitting at the table eating some cereal.

"I see you got everything without any problems. I knew you would,"
I said, squeezing his shoulder as I walked past him towards
the refrigerator. "I just got off the phone with Skinner."

"Oh, and what did he have to say?"

"He wanted to know how you were doing and if we needed anything."

"And what'd you tell him?"

"I told him that I slept with you last night and that it was the
best night you ever had," I stated, trying to sound as serious as
I could.

"In other words, you told him the truth then," he said with a smile.

"Mulder...." I groaned, gently swatting him with the dishtowel.
"You know I didn't tell him that."

"Well, if you had, it would've been the truth," he said quietly.

I briefly ruffled my fingers through his hair, then walked over 
to the other side of the table and sat down. "Skinner didn't just 
want to know how you were doing. He told me he's got some new case 
files he'd like me to pick up when I get a chance."

"Oh."

"I was thinking that maybe after your doctor's appointment if you
weren't too tired, we could stop by the office for a few minutes
to get them."

Mulder's body immediately stiffened.

"He said there wasn't anything urgent in any of the files. He just
thought I might like to take a look at them. He also said that there
was one file in particular that you might be interested in."

The grip on his cereal spoon tightened.

"How do you feel about going to the office?" I asked, trying to
keep my voice as neutral as possible.

He tilted his head, rubbed his chin for a moment, and then replied,
"I honestly don't know, Scully."

Placing my hand over the top of his hand, I said, "I know how hard
this has been for you, Mulder, but you *are* going to be able to see
again, and you *are* going to be able to go back to work. You have
to be patient."

"I'm tired of being patient," he said abruptly.

I let go of his hand and stood up from the table. After pouring
myself a glass of orange juice, I turned around and managed to
calmly say, "If you'd rather I wait till later and go to the office
by myself, I'll understand."

He got up from the table and put his bowl and spoon in the sink.
Then reaching for my arms and moving his hands up to my shoulders, 
he said, "No Scully, I want to go with you. I've been away from 
work too long already. I may not be able to see yet, but I can hear 
just fine, and I'd like you to get those files so you can read them 
to me."

Although I sensed a bit of apprehension on his part, there was a
determination in his voice that I hadn't heard since the explosion.
"We can stop by the office after your doctor's appointment. Do you
need some help getting ready?"

"No, I got it," he answered, rushing past me.

He still couldn't put in his eye drops or shave without help, but I
could tell by his body language that right now he didn't really care
if those things got done or not.

Right now, the only thing on his mind was going to the office.

As I watched him head towards the bedroom, I couldn't help
wondering if my decision to take him there was the right one.

~~~~

11:05 am

"How do your fingers feel?" Scully asked as she brought the car to
a stop.

"Okay, I guess. They're a little uncomfortable, but they don't
hurt," I replied, rubbing my fingers over each other.

"I know how relieved you are to finally get rid of those stitches,"
she commented, taking one of my hands into hers and examining it.
"These scars look good, Mulder...thin...straight...the doctor who
sewed you up in the emergency room did a nice job. Once these fade, 
they'll hardly be noticeable."

"That's good to know," I answered, leaning my head back against the
headrest. She let go of my hand and then the car was moving again.

The light must've turned green, same as the color of my face.

I was still trying to get used to this riding in the car business,
and I wasn't faring very well. Not being able to see not only threw
my balance off, but every time we stopped and then started up again,
I was hit with a wave of dizziness. For some reason, the intermittent
dizziness hadn't bothered me that much on the way to the doctor's
office, but now it just wouldn't let up and it was making me feel
kind of queasy.

"How much longer till we get to the office, Scully?" I asked, wiping
a thin sheen of sweat off my forehead.

"About another ten minutes. You okay, Mulder?"

"I'm a little dizzy."

She reached over and put the back of her hand against my forehead.
"You feel warm."

"I'll be fine once the car stops."

"Are you sure? You don't look so hot, Mulder."

Another stoplight.

"It's all this stopping and starting. It's giving me motion
sickness. I'll be okay once I can get out of this damn car,"
I said, irritability creeping into my voice.

She rubbed my arm and said, "It won't be much longer."

Then the light changed, and we were off again.

"Hey Scully, did you tell Skinner we were coming into the office
this morning?" I asked, trying to focus on something other than
my upset stomach.

"No, why?"

"Good, because I don't feel much like talking with anyone today."

"You know, Mulder, you don't have to go inside with me. You can
just wait in the car while I run in and get what we need," she
suggested.

"No, I want to go in with you. I *need* to be at work, Scully.
I know we're only going to pick up some files, but I have to start
somewhere, right?"

"Right," she said reassuringly.

The rest of the drive was spent in silence.

By the time we finally pulled into the parking lot, my dizziness
had subsided, and my stomach felt better.

"Okay Mulder, we're here. How are you feeling?"

"Better now."

She pressed the back of her hand against my cheek. "You don't feel
as warm as you did before. Your face doesn't look as green either,"
she chuckled.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Then she placed her hand in mine, and asked, "Are you ready to
come in with me?"

To be honest, I wasn't sure.

This morning, when she brought up the idea about coming here, I 
was all for it. I wanted to get out of the apartment. I wanted 
to get back to work, if only for a few minutes, but now that 
we were actually here, I was feeling kind of apprehensive.

The last time I was here, I was working on the Hutchison case,
sorting through evidence, joking with Scully...

I was also able to see what I was doing.

Now all I see is darkness.

"You coming, Mulder?" she asked as she opened the car door.

"Just give me a minute, okay?"

"Take your time," she replied, patting my shoulder. The next
sound I heard was her stepping out of the car and closing the
door.

After taking a couple of deep breaths, I ran my hand along the
door until I found the handle, and then opened it. I leaned out
the door at first, letting the cool air drift across my face. 
Once I stepped outside of the car I felt a little unsteady, but 
my uncertainty quickly passed as soon as I felt Scully's hand
on my arm.

"Don't let go of my arm, okay?"

"I won't, Mulder. Are you ready to go inside now?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

~~~~

FBI Headquarters
11:25 am

People were staring at us.

From the moment we entered the building, it felt like all eyes
were pointed in our direction. I knew that not everyone was looking
our way, but still I felt uncomfortable, and I couldn't wait to get
downstairs and take refuge in our office.

I was annoyed that people were staring at me, but what bothered me
even more was the way they were looking at Mulder.

Mulder is a proud man, a self-assured man who couldn't care less
what people think of his theories or practices, but the looks of
pity he was getting now would cut him to the core.

"People are looking at us, aren't they?" he asked, sensing my
discomfort.

"Yes," I replied quietly.

"It's probably because I'm with such a beautiful woman," he stated,
trying to cover up his anxiety about the situation. He gripped my
arm a little tighter, and I reciprocated by putting my free hand
over the top of his fingers.

"We're almost to the elevator. You doing okay, Mulder?"

"Don't let go of my arm, Scully."

"I won't."

About another twenty steps and we were at the elevator. Luckily,
once we stepped inside, there was no one else on it. I pressed
the basement button and looked over at Mulder. His expression
was tense, and he was still holding my arm rather tightly.

"You can relax now," I said, releasing my fingers from his hand.

He let out a big sigh, but his grip on me remained tight. "Whoa...
this feels strange."

"What does?"

"Riding on an elevator with my eyes closed."

"Are you dizzy?"

"No, but if this elevator doesn't stop real quick, I'm going to be
leaving a nice little present for the janitor."

"Well, lucky for him, we're already here."

As soon as the door opened, I quickly led him out of the confined
space of the elevator and into the basement hallway.

"You still feeling nauseous, Mulder?"

"No, it's already gone. I think it was just that damn motion
sickness again," he replied, taking a couple of deep breaths.

He did look better than just a minute ago, but his bouts with
nausea and dizziness in both the car and the elevator concerned
me. I made a mental note to call Dr. Becker and ask him about
it when we got back to the apartment.

Releasing his hand from my arm, he said, "Thank you for helping
me get this far, Scully, but I think I'd like to go the rest of 
the way by myself. I've walked this path enough times to know my 
way around down here, don't you think?"

"Yes, you certainly have," I agreed.

Putting one arm out in front of him and the other one out to the
side, he slowly started walking towards the door. When he was
just about there, he reached out with both arms until he touched
it. Then moving his hands down along the surface, he located the
doorknob and turned towards me. "Nothing to it," he said, proudly
smiling at his accomplishment.

"Very impressive, Mulder," I commented, joining him in front of the
door. "Now let's go inside."

~~~~

I thought it might feel strange walking into the office for the
first time since the explosion, but I didn't expect to be hit with
such an overwhelming rush of sensations.

The creakiness of the floor underneath my shoes...the stale smell
of coffee and sunflower seeds...the warm air from the ceiling vent
blowing over my face...the faint scent of the perfume Scully was
wearing the last time we were here...

"You okay, Mulder?" she asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Hmmm....what?"

"You had the oddest expression on your face just now. Are you
alright about being here? I mean, this is your first time back
here since..."

"The explosion," I said, completing her thought. "Actually, Scully,
I'm not sure how I feel. I just..."

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Agents."

It was Skinner.

"Agent Mulder, it's nice to see you up and around," he said
sincerely, placing his hand in mine for a gentle handshake. The
last time he shook my hand was quite painful, and I was glad that
he remembered to be more careful this time. "How are you feeling?"

"Better sir, thank you," I replied, maneuvering my way over to my
desk and sitting down. "Scully told me you had some new case files
for us," I stated, trying to change the subject to something else.

"When I talked with Agent Scully this morning, I wasn't expecting
you to come here with her, but I guess I should've known better,"
he chuckled. "I've got the files up at my office. I also have
some paperwork that needs to be signed. Scully, if you'll come
upstairs with me, we can take care of everything at once."

"If you don't mind, sir, I have a couple of things I need to take
care of down here first. I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

I wasn't sure what it was that she needed to do, but I got the
distinct impression that she was trying to get rid of Skinner,
and I think he knew it as well.

"Alright then, I'll expect you shortly. Agent Mulder, it was good
to see you. Take care of yourself," he said, reaching out to give
me another handshake before leaving.

Scully waited until the door was completely closed before speaking.
"Sorry about that, Mulder."

"About what?"

"About Skinner finding out we were in the building. I know you
weren't up to dealing with anyone today," she said, sitting down
in the chair in front of my desk.

"That's okay. Besides, Skinner was pleasant enough. I don't feel
like talking to anyone else today though. I just want to go home
when you're finished," I said, feeling kind of tired.

"It shouldn't take me more than fifteen minutes. Will you be
alright down here by yourself?"

"Go take care of your business, Scully. I'll be fine."

She leaned over the desk, placed her hand over mine and said, "I'll
be right back."

After I was sure she had gotten on the elevator, I stood up next
to my desk and took a couple of deep breaths. As nice as it was
to have her with me when we first came down here, I was glad to
be alone now.

I've missed this place.

I turned around and reached for the wall right where I knew my
'I Want to Believe' poster would be. Moving my hands down along
its smooth surface, I thought about how much those words have
meant to me over the years. They've guided me and strengthened
my resolve more times than I can count, but now, now I needed
to hold onto them more than ever.

I wanted to believe that I'd see again.

I wanted to believe that I'd have a future with Scully.

I wanted to believe that I'd get my life back.

When my hands reached the bottom of the poster, I pressed my
fingers against the letters.

I wanted to believe.

The paper's surface felt cool, but my hands felt warm and my face
felt flush.

I wanted to believe.

And then my chest felt tight and my arms started to tremble and
my eyes began to burn.

I wanted to believe.

Ever since the explosion, I've had so many emotions churning
around inside of me...anger towards the man who did this to me...
guilt about what I put Scully through that night...frustration 
about not being able to take care of myself...fear of never being 
able to see again...

But I've been afraid of losing control.

Afraid of letting it all go.

Until now.

Standing there surrounded by my life's work, all I could see was
darkness and all I could feel was pain and all I could hear was
the rage pounding in my heart...and the next thing I knew I was
slamming my fists into the wall.

"Goddamn you, Hutchison!" I screamed, my voice harshly echoing
in the dark.

My heart hammered in my chest and my jaw clenched as I spun around
and wildly swung my arm across the top of my desk, sending the
phone, the lamp, and all the papers that were on it crashing to
the floor.

"You took everything from me! Everything!" I shouted, knocking
books from the shelves and ripping newspaper clippings off the
bulletin boards.

My skin was throbbing and my knees were beginning to buckle, but
I couldn't stop myself. Stumbling over to the file cabinet, I
opened up a drawer, pulled out some folders, and hurled them across
the room. Then I grabbed another handful and another and another
until the entire drawer was empty.

All around me loose papers fluttered through the air and fell to
the ground and before I knew it, I was falling too...

I reached out to grab onto something, but there was nothing there,
and I fell on the cold hard floor, landing awkwardly on my shoulder.
I tried to lift myself up to a sitting position, but I was too
dizzy and my arms were too numb and all I could do was breathe.

Just breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

Just breathe.

I don't know how long I laid there, but the next sound I heard was
Scully calling my name and the next thing I felt was her hand
pressing against my cheek. Lifting my head up off the floor, I
turned towards her and whispered the only two words I could
manage to say.

"Help me."

~~~~

The moment I heard those words, I did the only thing I could do.
I lifted Mulder up into my arms and held him.  "Everything will 
be alright," I said quietly, trying to keep my voice steady.  

His back muscles were tense under my fingers and I could feel his 
heart beating furiously against my chest.

"I'm sorry, Scully.  I couldn't stop myself," he softly said,
burying his head into my shoulder. 

His beard stubble scratched against my skin and his right eye
shield scraped the side of my neck. 

"It's okay, Mulder.  I'm right here."

His fingers tightly squeezed my blouse and I felt his jaw clenching 
against my collarbone.  

"Just let it go, " I whispered into his ear. "Let it all go..."

And then he did.

He cried and he cursed and he clung to me so tightly, I could 
barely breathe.  The air felt thick and warm around me, and his 
fingers were digging so deeply into my skin, he brought tears
to my eyes. 

Or maybe I just needed to let go too.

When I had first come back from Skinner's office and found Mulder 
lying on the floor, I was so concerned about him that I hadn't
paid attention to anything else, but now as I looked around through 
clouded eyes at all the damage that surrounded us, I didn't need 
any explanations.

I knew exactly what he had done, and I knew why.

After rubbing his back and holding him for several minutes, I felt 
his body finally start to relax.  I loosened my embrace and he 
lifted his head off my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Scully...I didn't 
mean to lose it like that," he said, his voice wavering.

"I know," I replied, gently brushing the dampness off his cheeks 
with my fingertips.  "But you needed to."  He flinched at the
intimacy of my touch, but I didn't stop.  
 
"I have something I'd like to say to you, Mulder, and I want to 
see your eyes when I say it," I said as I carefully started 
removing his right eye shield.  

He said nothing and made no effort to stop me so I continued, 
taking off the left one and then peeling off both tear-soaked 
patches. The tender skin around his eyes was wet and red, and
his eyelashes were moist and stuck together.  There were dark
shadows underneath both eyes, and the bruising around his right 
eye still hadn't completely disappeared.

He tried to lower his head as if he was ashamed of how he looked,
but I wouldn't let him.  Putting my fingers under his chin, I 
tilted his head up, and looked into his face. I didn't need his 
eyes to be open for me to see what was in his heart.

I already knew.

"I know you think that if you don't get your sight back you'll 
lose everything," I stated matter of factly.  "But that's not 
going to happen."

"But Scully, I..." 

"Shhh..." I interrupted, pressing my finger over his lips.  "Let
me finish.  You're the most determined person I know, Mulder, and 
regardless of how you're feeling now, I know you'll find a way to 
get your life back.  Even if you never see again, even if you're 
unable to continue working in the FBI, you *will* find a way to 
keep fighting, and I'll be there to help you...if you want me to 
be."

"I always want you with me, but I'm afraid," he confessed, turning
away from me. "I'm afraid of what's going to happen to me if I can't 
do this job anymore. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to *us*."  

"Listen to me."  I grabbed his shoulders and turned his body back
towards mine.  "If Dr. Becker tells you on Thursday that your
eyesight won't ever be restored, *we* will deal with it.  If he
tells you you'll only regain partial sight, *we* will adjust the
way we do things.  And if he tells you that the surgery was a 
success and that you're healed...well, then I want my face to be 
the first thing you see when you finally open your eyes." 

He reached out and put his hands on my cheeks. "I've really missed 
looking into your eyes, Scully."

I cupped my hands around his face.  "I've missed seeing you too...
very much."

He lightly traced over my eyebrows, then moved down to my eyes,
softly brushing his fingertips over them.  "I wish I could see 
you now," he whispered.

"Soon," I whispered back.  I gently touched his closed eyelids, 
then his cheeks, and finally his lips. Leaning forward and tilting 
his head to the side just a bit, he smiled and let out a contented 
sigh.

And then I knew.  

I was going to kiss him.

~~~~

I hadn't planned on losing control of my emotions when I came here
today.  I hadn't planned on destroying my office or falling on the 
floor in the process. I hadn't planned on uncontrollably crying on 
Scully's shoulder, yet I had done all those things.

And now I felt like I was going to lose control again.

Sitting here so close to Scully with her fingers tenderly brushing
over my lips and her breaths lightly caressing my face, all I could 
think about was how much I wanted to kiss her.

And how much I wanted her to kiss me back.

Moving my hands down her arms, I slowly started leaning towards 
her face, but before I could finally do what I've been wanting to 
do all these years, she cupped her hand behind my neck and pressed 
her lips against mine.

And she kissed me first.

Her lips felt soft and cool like I had always imagined, and just
when I thought I had caught my breath, she pulled me closer and 
kissed me even harder.

My heart was pounding...my cheeks were burning...my eyes were
fluttering...my head was spinning...

But this time it had nothing to do with motion sickness.

When our lips finally parted, she pulled back from me and said,
"I've been wanting to do that for a very long time." 

I knew she was smiling at me, but I wanted to feel it.  

I wanted to feel her.  

Running my hands along the upturned outline of her mouth and the 
delicate creases in her cheeks, I quietly said,  "Well Scully, 
I'd say it was definitely worth the wait."
  
"All good things are, Mulder."

"It *was* good, wasn't it?" I hesitantly asked even though I was
pretty sure of her answer.

"*Very* good."  She gave my arm a reassuring squeeze and started 
to stand up.  "Now I don't know about you, but I think I've done 
enough sitting on this floor for one day.  Let me help you up," 
she offered, putting her hands around my waist to steady me as I 
lifted myself up to a standing position.  "Do you feel dizzy at 
all?"

"No, but if you kiss me again, I will be," I stated, cautiously
awaiting her reaction to my remark.

"Well then, I guess I'll just have to make sure you're sitting 
down the next time I kiss you, preferably on something softer 
than this floor," she teased back.

Her response lightened my mood considerably, and I was sure she
was smiling at me again. "Hmmm, the next time. I like the sound 
of that."

"Let's go home."  She gave the sleeve of my shirt a little tug. 
"It's been a long morning."

I started to walk, then hesitated.  "But what about this mess?"

"Mulder, I know how important these books and files are to you, 
but right now, it's more important that you get out of here and 
get some rest.  You've been through a lot today."

"So have you," I said softly, feeling ashamed of what I had put
her through...again.

"Look, I'm sure the custodian's around somewhere.  I'll just go 
tell him not to do any cleaning in here today.  Then after you've
rested, if you're feeling up to it, we can come back later and
I'll help you sort through everything." She guided me towards
the chair behind my desk and said, "This shouldn't take long.  
I'll be right back."

After I heard the door close, I put my head down on the desk and
let out a big sigh.  She was right.  I really needed to rest. The
events of the morning had completely drained me, and now I just 
wanted to go home and crawl into bed.

Preferably with Scully.

Just then I heard the door open. "Everything's all taken care of.
Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, but if it's alright with you, I think I'd like to leave 
through one of the side entrances instead of the front door,"
I suggested, remembering how uncomfortable we both felt when we 
first got here.

"Sure Mulder, that might be easier." Her voice sounded relieved
as if she was remembering too.

I stood up by the desk and started to walk over towards her, but 
she quickly grabbed my hand and said, "Take hold of my arm, and
let me help you." 

"Wait a minute, Scully. Before we go, there's something I'd like
to say to you."  I turned her body so she was facing me.  "You
really helped me today, and I haven't properly thanked you yet."

"You don't have to thank me, Mulder."

"Yes, I do.  I was falling apart, and you were there to put me back 
together....just like always." Lifting her hands up to my mouth, I 
kissed them, letting my lips linger on the back of each one. "Thank
you, Scully, for everything."

Bringing my hands up to her face, she gently kissed them, and 
quietly said, "You're welcome."

~~~~

12:45 pm

It didn't take him long to fall asleep.

We had barely been driving for five minutes when I heard the
soft hum of his snoring.  His body had slumped against the door 
and his head had fallen over to the side. The position he was in
didn't look very comfortable, but I was glad to have some quiet
time to myself.

I had a lot to think about.  Just as Mulder had experienced a 
whirlwind of emotions today, so had I.  Waking up in bed together 
this morning...feeling concern about his dizziness...having to 
endure people's stares at work...holding him in my arms as he 
cried...kissing each other for the first time...

All those things had worn me out, and I was looking forward to
getting home and lying down for a nap. 

Preferably with Mulder. 

When we finally arrived at the apartment, I leaned over his face
and took a good look at his eyes before waking him up.  He had 
insisted that we leave his patches and shields off until we got 
home and I had reluctantly agreed, but now that I had a good view
of his eyes, I couldn't help noticing a red puffiness underneath 
his right eye that wasn't there before.  Although it didn't appear 
to be anything serious, I didn't want to take any chances, and I 
made a mental note to mention it to Dr. Becker when I called about 
the dizzy spells he was having. 

Leaning even closer to his face, I brushed some loose strands of 
hair off his forehead, then lightly ran my hand down his cheek,
along his jaw line, and over his lips.  His beard stubble seemed 
to be considerably longer than it was this morning when he first 
woke up, and it made a scraping sound underneath my fingers.

"If you wanted to kiss me again, why didn't you just say so,
Scully?" he asked, quickly wrapping his arms around me and
catching me completely off guard.

"Mulder, you scared me," I said, trying to catch my breath.

"I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to startle you."

"I thought you were still sleeping."

"I woke up right before we got here."  He pulled me closer into
his chest and smiled.  "Now, how 'bout that kiss, Scully?"

"I don't remember saying I wanted to kiss you."

"Well, maybe not, but I know you want to."

He was right.  I did want to kiss him again, but this wasn't the
time or the place to do it.  Our first kiss had been shared under
intense circumstances and although it was wonderful, I wanted our
next kiss to be slow and relaxed and someplace completely private.

"You're right, Mulder.  I do want to kiss you, but not here."  I
put my hand under his chin.  "Do you understand?"

He touched my cheek and let out a disappointed sigh.  "Yes, 
I think I do."

"I'm sorry, Mulder."

"There's no reason to be sorry, Scully, especially since I know 
you'll give me a rain check," he said with certainty.

"You sound pretty sure of yourself."

He smiled and placed a soft kiss on my forehead.  "No, but I'm 
pretty sure of *us*."

Then I took his hand and guided it across my mouth so he could 
feel my smile again.  "So am I, Mulder."

~~~~

Wednesday, May 2
11:52 pm

The first night I asked Scully to sleep in my bed, I was afraid to 
be alone and needed to be close to her.  She didn't want to be alone 
either, and she agreed to spend the night beside me.

When I woke up the next morning, I was happy to find her warm body 
comfortably pressed against mine, but I was even happier about
the fact that she had allowed herself to be vulnerable with me. 

The second night we slept together, my need to be close to her was 
replaced with my *desire* to be close to her.

She had held me and comforted me after my breakdown in the office
and she had told me that she would always be there for me no matter 
what.  We shared our first kiss that day, and then later that night 
our second one.

There was no hesitation between us, and Scully felt comfortable 
enough to fall asleep with my arms around her.  

In the morning she went to the office to retrieve all the papers 
I had so angrily thrown on the floor the day before, and we spent 
the rest of the day sitting on the bed sorting through all of them.
 
The last thing I remember before falling asleep that night was 
kissing her on the forehead and mumbling something about case 
#12159.

Which brings us to tonight...our fourth night together.

When it was time for bed, Scully just climbed in beside me, laid 
on her side, and draped her arm over my stomach as if she'd been
sleeping that way for years. Then she gave me a goodnight kiss 
and fell asleep in less than five minutes.

I've been listening to her breathe ever since.

As hard as I've tried to fall asleep, I just can't.  My mind has
been racing for at least the past hour with no signs of stopping
anytime soon.

I can't stop thinking about tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning at approximately 9:30 am, I will walk into Dr.
Becker's office and after examining my eyes, he will either tell 
me I'll see again or I'll be blind for the rest of my life. 

Blind.

For the rest of my life.

I can't even begin to comprehend what that means, let alone say 
it. Not once since the explosion have I ever referred to myself 
as being "blind."

I guess I thought that if I never really believed it, if I never 
said it out loud, then it couldn't happen.

But I was wrong in my denial.

No matter how much I've tried to push it away, the fact is there's 
a very distinct possibility that I'll never see anything or anyone 
again.

Ever.

Almost instantly, my eyes filled with tears and my throat clamped
shut.

I can't be blind.  

I bit my lip and tried to breathe.

I can't be blind.

Not wanting to wake up Scully, I quietly eased my way out of bed 
and left the room as quickly as I could.

I can't be blind.  I just can't be...

~~~~

The moment I woke up, I knew something was wrong.

Not only wasn't Mulder in bed beside me, but I felt that same
tightness in my chest I always do when something's troubling him.

Looking over at the clock, I could see that it was a little after 
12:30.  Where was he and why wasn't he in bed sleeping?  Quickly 
grabbing my robe and slippers, I walked out to the living room.

Although it was rather dark, the light from the aquarium lit up
the room enough for me to see that Mulder was lying on the couch. 
Not wanting to startle him if he was awake, I padded across the 
room as quietly as I could.  As I got closer to him, I saw that 
he had taken his patches off and had laid them on the coffee table.  
I also noticed a wet spot on the pillow underneath his cheek. 

It looked like he had been crying.

Getting down on my knees right next to the couch, I bent over so
I was even closer to him.  His arms were protectively folded 
across his chest, and his breathing was shallow and uneven. 
Lightly brushing the back of my hand over his cheek, I could feel 
that it was warm and damp.

He *had* been crying.

"Oh Mulder," I whispered, gently touching his other cheek.  He
stirred at my touch, crossing his arms even more tightly around
his chest.  

Looking at him more closely, I could see that his tension wasn't
just limited to his arms.  He was biting his lower lip, and his 
eyes were squeezed shut, causing his forehead to crinkle.  His
fingers were also pressing down so hard on his arms, he was 
probably going to end up with red marks all over his skin. 

It was obvious he was struggling with something, and I had a pretty 
good idea of what it was.

He's afraid.

Afraid of what Dr. Becker's going to tell him tomorrow...afraid of
how his life will change...afraid of how *we* will change... 

'I'm afraid of the same things,' I thought to myself as I pulled 
the blanket up over his chest. 

As much as I've tried to remain strong for him, as much as I've 
tried to stay positive these past two weeks, there's a part of me 
that's scared to death of what may happen after we walk into that 
office tomorrow morning.

He can't be blind.  He just can't be.

Ever since Mulder's breakdown in the office, we've gotten so much
closer to each other, yet here we are again, both hiding our 
feelings from each other and trying to deal with our fears *alone*. 

Why do things always have to be so complicated with us?

Looking at him now, he seemed to have relaxed somewhat over the
past few minutes. His eyes weren't closed as tightly and his
breathing seemed to be slower and deeper.  

Leaning over his face, I lightly touched the skin underneath his 
right eye.  There have been so many problems with that eye.  It 
had suffered the most damage in the explosion, it had gotten 
infected at the hospital, and he had bumped it when he fell at 
the office. Although there had been some redness underneath it 
the past couple days, now it looked as if nothing had ever 
happened to it.

I wonder what Dr. Becker will say about it tomorrow. 

I moved my finger down to the gash on his chin. The stitches 
were barely visible underneath all of his beard stubble, but I 
could feel them.  They felt dry and rough and were probably quite 
irritating to his skin.  No wonder he was always complaining about
them.

I had no idea how long I'd been out here, but sitting on the floor
like this wasn't very comfortable, and my legs were beginning to 
feel numb.  Bracing my hands on the edge of the coffee table, I 
stood up and stretched my legs to try and get the kinks out.

I was too concerned about Mulder to go back to bed so I decided 
I'd stay with him for awhile until I felt sleepy.  After grabbing 
a blanket from the bedroom, I curled up in the chair next to the 
couch and closed my eyes.

~~~~

Thursday, May 3
8:04 am

When I woke up, I felt the strangest sensation in my eyes.

At first it was so subtle I thought I was dreaming, but as I became
more alert, I realized what it was.

Light.

A thin yellow wall of light.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, slowly lowered my hands, and there
it was, floating across my eyelids like a pale yellow mist.

Light.

I wasn't completely sure if what I was seeing was real so I sat 
up and rubbed my eyes again.  When I took my hands down this time, 
there was no mistaking what was in front of me.

Light. 

For the first time since the explosion, I was aware of several 
yellow shadows underneath both my eyelids.

It was light.

And I could *see* it. 

Scully...I had to tell Scully.

I was so surprised about what was happening to me that I had
completely forgotten about Scully.  I knew it was morning because 
I had heard the garbage truck outside a few minutes ago, but she
was probably still asleep since I hadn't heard her stirring
around the apartment yet. 

Somehow I didn't think she'd mind me waking her up.

Quickly throwing the blanket off my legs, I got up off the couch
and headed towards the bedroom.  Unfortunately, in my haste to
tell her, I forgot to put my hands out in front of me. 

Before I knew what was happening, I lost my balance and started
to fall, hitting my head on the edge of the doorway on the way 
down.

And then everything was dark.

Again.

~~~~

7:55 am

I'm usually able to fall asleep anytime, anywhere, and then wake 
up refreshed and ready to go.

That wasn't the case this morning.

This morning, not only did I have a pounding headache and a crick 
in my neck, but my back was so stiff it hurt to sit up straight.

When I came out here last night, I had only intended to stay with 
Mulder until I felt sleepy and then go back to bed.  Instead, I 
ended up spending the night sleeping in this uncomfortable chair 
with no pillows and a thin blanket that spent more time on the floor 
than it did over my legs.

Trying to massage the stiffness out of my neck, I sleepily glanced 
at the clock, and then over at Mulder. It was almost 8:00...he'd 
probably be waking up anytime now.

Unlike last night, he looked completely relaxed lying there.  One 
arm was draped across his stomach, the other one was hanging partway 
off the couch.  His feet were poking out from underneath the blanket 
I put over him last night, and his mouth was open just enough so that 
he was lightly snoring.

His appointment with Dr. Becker wasn't until 9:30 so that meant I 
had about an hour's time to get showered and dressed, make breakfast, 
and then help him get ready.

Part of me couldn't wait to go see Dr. Becker, to finally know one 
way or the other if Mulder was ever going to see again...yet another 
part of me was terrified of walking into that office.

What if today's the day Mulder finds out that he's blind, that
there's absolutely no chance of him ever seeing again? How will he 
react? How will *I* react?

On the other hand, what if today is the day that he opens his eyes 
and finally sees me?

The thought of looking into his beautiful eyes for the first time 
in almost two weeks was the thought I chose to hold onto as I slowly 
lifted my achy body up out of the chair.

After stretching my neck from side to side and shaking out my legs, 
I headed to the bathroom. I was just splashing some water on my face 
when I heard two noises. The first one sounded like a quick bump, 
followed by a slow dull thump, as if something big had fallen to 
the floor in the other room.

Mulder.

It couldn't be him, could it?

I was only gone for five minutes, if even that. Besides, he was 
asleep when I left him. What could've possibly happened in such a 
short period of time?

Well, with Mulder, you never know...

Which is precisely why I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to go 
back and check on him. After quickly turning the water off, I hurried 
out of the bathroom and headed towards the living room.

And that's when I saw him.

He was holding his hands over his eyes and rolling from side to side 
on his back. He was also mumbling something, but I couldn't hear what 
it was from where I was standing. Rushing over to him, I bent down and 
put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek. "Mulder, what 
happened?"

Immediately he wildly reached up towards me and grabbed at my arms, 
almost knocking me down in the process. "Scully...I was coming to 
tell you...something," he gasped in between rapid breaths.

Once he took his hands away from his face, I could see that a fairly 
large goose egg was rapidly forming on his forehead above his right 
eye. I could also see that his eyes were tightly shut and that he was 
biting his bottom lip. Judging from where he was lying on the floor, 
he must've run into the wall or maybe the edge of the doorway and 
then fallen.

"Lie still, Mulder. You're hurt," I said, quickly trying to check 
him for other bumps or cuts.

Still holding my arms, he tried to raise himself up to a sitting
position. "Something happened, Scully," he said excitedly.

Gently pushing him back down on the floor, I said, "You can tell 
me about it in a minute, but right now you need to hold still," I 
stated firmly.

After checking the skin around his eyes, I lightly touched the
linear indentation that was now visible in the middle of the lump.  
"It looks like you hit the edge of the doorw..."

"But Scully, I need to tell you," he interrupted, grabbing at my 
arms again.

With the exception of the nasty lump on his forehead, he appeared
to be okay and he seemed so anxious to talk that I let him sit up
this time.

"Geez Mulder, that bump on your head is getting bigger by the
minute. You need to get some ice on it right away. I'm going to 
go get some."

I started to get up, but he tugged at my arm and wouldn't let me 
stand. "No Scully, wait. I have to tell you."

He sat up a little straighter and moved his hands from my arms up 
to my face, placing them over my cheeks. Then he took a deep breath 
and said, "I saw something."

My heart instantly started beating faster. "What?"

"I saw something when I woke up this morning. I wasn't sure it was 
real at first, but then I knew it was." He smiled. "I saw light, 
Scully. I saw shadows."

I took his hands down from my face and curled my fingers around
them. "Are you sure?"

"They were right there in front of me when I woke up this morning.
They were yellow shadows. At first I thought I was dreaming and
then I realized that I wasn't, that they were really there and I
was seeing them." He squeezed my hands. "Do you know what that 
means, Scully?"

Of course, I know what it means.

For nearly two weeks, his world has been nothing but darkness, but 
now he's telling me that he saw something.

He *saw* something.

His words rushed through me, and for a moment, I actually felt
light-headed.

"Scully, did you hear what I just said?" he asked, leaning closer 
to my face and interrupting my thoughts.

"Yes, I did," I answered quietly.

Before I could say anything else, he quickly let go of my hands and 
pulled me into a tight embrace. Then he kissed my cheek and whispered 
in my ear, "My sight's coming back, Scully. I know it. I feel it."

Laying my head on his shoulder, I closed my eyes and whispered back, 
"I hope so."

~~~~

Before Scully had gone into the bedroom to shower and get dressed,
she had told me to keep this icepack on for at least ten minutes.
I wasn't sure how long I had been holding it against my forehead,
but it was beginning to get rather uncomfortable so I decided to
take it off.

Once I removed it, I placed it on the end table in front of me.
Then I leaned back against the couch and touched the tender skin 
above my eye. Even though my skin was numb to the touch, I could 
feel that the lump was much smaller now.

The intense throbbing I felt before had also subsided, and the
shadows of light that had briefly disappeared when I banged into 
the doorway were once again visible underneath my eyelids.

I'm getting my eyesight back.

I know it. I feel it.

And though she hasn't said it out loud, I know that Scully feels
it too.

After she had helped me up onto the couch and gotten the icepack
for me, I had told her everything that had happened this morning...
how I had experienced a strange sensation when I woke up...how I
had 'tested' my vision by putting my hands in front of my eyes 
and then taking them away...how in my rush to tell her what was 
happening to me I had lost my balance and fallen against the edge 
of the doorway.

When I had finished talking, she had taken my hand in hers and
calmly said, "This is good news, Mulder, but let's wait and see
what Dr. Becker says."

She had spoken with a reserved cautiousness, but I could tell by 
the way she had stroked my hand as she held it and the way her 
breath seemed to catch when she said "good news" that she was 
feeling as hopeful about things as I was.

Putting my legs up on the coffee table, I softly massaged the
tender spot and thought about what Dr. Becker might say to me this 
morning. Last night I had agonized over all the possibilities, but 
now I felt this calm sense of certainty that no matter what he said 
to me today, everything was going to be okay.

*I* was going to be okay.

"Hey you, I thought I told you to hold that icepack on your
forehead for at least ten minutes," Scully remarked as she came 
from the bedroom and sat down beside me.

"My head was beginning to feel like a frozen slab of beef so I 
took it off. So, what's the verdict, Dr. Scully?" I asked, bending 
forward so she could get a better look at my forehead.

"Well, let me do a quick examination and I'll tell you." She leaned 
closer to me and lightly pressed the spot where I had bumped it. "It 
looks a lot better. I don't think you need the icepack anymore."

"You know Scully, you can examine me anytime, anywhere," I teased, 
casually putting my arms around her back and then quickly drawing 
her into my chest. Her hair was still damp from her shower, and she 
smelled wonderful.

"Anywhere, huh? How about here?" she replied as she surprised me 
with a soft kiss on the tip of my nose.

I smiled. "Anywhere, Scully."

"Well then, what about here?" She briefly nibbled on my earlobe,
then let go.

I let out a gasp. "That's good too."

"Or maybe you'd like to be examined here." She slipped her hand 
down the front of my pajama top and kissed the hollow of my neck.

I could feel her breaths dancing across my skin and my pulse
quickening and the next thing I knew I was kissing her.

"Here is good too," I murmured, eagerly exploring the inside of 
her mouth.

"Yes, it is," she mumbled back, gently swirling her tongue around 
mine a few more times before breaking the kiss.

"If I knew an exam from you would be like this, doctor, I would've 
asked you for one a long time ago," I panted.

"Well, maybe if you play your cards right, I'll give you another 
one later," she playfully answered.  Then she kissed me on the 
forehead and stood up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" I asked, still trying to catch my breath.

"We have to leave for Dr. Becker's office in twenty minutes, and we
haven't even eaten breakfast yet. We'd better get moving if we're 
going to get there by 9:30."

She turned to walk towards the kitchen, but before she could, I 
reached up and grabbed her arm. "Wait, Scully. There's one more 
thing I need to do before I get ready."

"What's that?"

"This..." I stood up beside her, slowly brushed my fingertips down 
along her cheekbones, and over her chin.  Then I bent down and 
softly pressed my mouth against hers.

When our lips finally parted, I gently touched the upturned corners 
of her mouth and said, "You know, Scully, the next time I kiss you, 
I won't have to use my hands to feel your smile afterwards."

The tiny creases in her cheeks stretched even wider beneath my 
fingertips.  "Oh, and why is that?" she asked, even though I was 
pretty sure she already knew what I was going to say.

I took her hands in mine and smiled.  "Because the next time we 
kiss, I'll be able to *see* you."

~~~~

9:20 am

The rain was coming down in sheets by the time we pulled into the 
parking lot at Dr. Becker's office.  It was only lightly raining 
when we had first started out, but now the raindrops were steadily 
pounding against the surface of the car, making all the windows 
rattle.  

I was already nervous about coming to this appointment and having 
to drive in this heavy downpour had made me feel even more anxious 
about things.  

Luckily, there was an available parking spot near the front entrance 
to the building and I quickly pulled in.  Once we came to a stop, I 
uncurled my tightly wrapped fingers from around the steering wheel, 
closed my eyes for a moment, and let out a sigh of relief.

When I opened my eyes, Mulder was turned towards me. He reached over 
and took my hand.  "Everything's going to be okay," he calmly stated, 
as if he knew exactly what I had been thinking. 

The confidence in his voice and the softness of his touch was 
reassuring, and I instantly felt better. 

"You're right...it is," I replied, giving his hand a brief squeeze. 

Looking over at the digital clock on the dashboard, I could see 
that it was almost 9:30.  "We need to go, Mulder. Are you ready?"
I asked as I bent down and grabbed my umbrella from the lower 
compartment in the door.

He leaned over, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and smiled.
"I've never been more ready."

~~~~~~~~~~

Luckily, there was a brief reprieve in the downpour and we were 
able to make it inside the building without getting too wet. After
Scully helped me over to the seating area, she went to the front 
desk to let them know I was here.

Once I sat down, I removed my jacket and laid it across my legs.  
The strong smell of wet leather immediately wafted up towards my 
nose, causing me to reconsider holding my jacket on my lap. "Hey 
Scully, is there somewhere else I can put this?  It's a bit ripe," 
I commented.

Sniffing the air, she chuckled and said, "It is rather potent."
Then she walked over to me and took it out of my hand. "Let me
hang it up for you. There's a coat stand over in the corner."

After she hung my jacket up, she joined me on the couch. Then 
she placed her fingers over the top of mine and rested our clasped 
hands on my leg as if it were the most natural thing in the world
for her to do.

I turned to her and smiled. "I'm glad you're here with me, Scully.  
I couldn't do this without you." 

"I'm glad I'm here too, Mulder." She briefly caressed the back of
my hand with her thumb.  "The receptionist said that all your 
paperwork was in order so they'd probably be calling you back in
a few minutes.  How do you feel?"

"I'm a little nervous, but I'm ready."

Then she leaned in closer to me and softly said, "Mulder, whatever 
happens in that exam room today, I want you to know that it's not 
going to change the way I feel about you."  She took a long pause.
"I need you to know that."

I squeezed her hand and smiled.  "I *do* know that, Scully, but 
it's nice to hear you say it." 

Before either one of us had a chance to say anything else, I heard
a door open and a woman's voice say, "Mr. Mulder...we're ready for
you now."   

I could hear her walking over to me, and I let go of Scully's hand
so I could stand up.  When she was right in front of me, she put 
her hand on my forearm and guided my hand into hers for a handshake.  
"Hi, Mr. Mulder.  My name is Kim, and I'll be doing some preliminary
work with you before Dr. Becker takes a look at you."

Scully stood up next to me, her shoulder brushing against my arm.
Letting go of Kim's hand and gesturing towards Scully, I said,  
"This is my partner...Dana Scully."

"Your partner?" 

"We're FBI agents," explained Scully before I had a chance to answer.
Her shoulder brushed against my arm again as she leaned forward to 
shake Kim's hand. 

"Oh, that's right.  Now that you mention it, I do remember reading
that on your chart.  If you'll just take my arm, I'll help you to
the exam room, Mr. Mulder."

"Okay, but I'd like Scully to come with me," I stated, reaching
for her arm but turning my head towards Scully.  "She's also a 
doctor, and she and Dr. Becker have discussed my condition on 
several occasions. I'm sure he wouldn't object to her staying with 
me during the exam."

"Well...normally the doctor sees his patients alone..." she 
answered hesitantly.

"I'd really like her in there with me," I stated again, emphasizing
the word *really* to let her know just how important this was to me.
I tilted my head to the side and smiled. "I'd appreciate whatever 
you could do, Kim," I added, using her first name in hopes that it 
might help my argument.

I don't know if it was my tone of voice that persuaded her or the 
look that Scully was probably giving her at the moment, but after 
only a few seconds, she said, "I'll talk to Dr. Becker and see 
what I can do.  This may take awhile so I need to take you back so
we can get started. Dr. Scully can wait out here for now and then 
when Dr. Becker's ready to see you, she can join you." 

"Thank you, Kim.  Thank you very much," I gratefully replied.

"Yes, thank you.  We appreciate it," added Scully.

"You're welcome.  If you'll come this way, Mr. Mulder," said Kim 
as she took hold of my arm. 

I turned my head towards Scully and said, "I'll *see* you soon." 

Lightly brushing her fingers across my wrist so quickly I could
barely feel it, she softly answered, "Yes, you will."

~~~~~~~~~~

10:15 am

I've never seen his eyes look so intense, so focused.

His face was just inches away from mine and I could hear him
breathing and I could feel him touching me.

His fingertips trickled down along my cheeks and around to the 
back of my neck and then he pulled me closer.

I've never seen his eyes look so intense, so certain.

So clear...

He said nothing as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine,
but he didn't have to.

His eyes told me everything.

Just as they always have.

When he finally broke the kiss, he gently traced over the upturned 
corners of my mouth and whispered, "I know I don't have to do this 
anymore, but I want to.  There are a lot of things I want to do with 
you, Scully..."

I've never seen his eyes look so full of passion, so full of life.

So beautiful...

"Dr. Scully...Excuse me...Dr. Scully?"

Upon hearing the somewhat familiar voice, my eyes immediately shot 
open and my body jerked upright in the chair.  Feeling a little
light-headed, I held onto the armrests for support and blinked my
eyes several times as I tried to adjust my eyes to the light.  Kim 
was crouched down beside my chair, her hand resting on the nearby 
coffee table for balance.

"I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to startle you.  Dr. Becker is with
your partner now, and he asked me to come out here and get you,"
she said as she stood up.  

"I didn't sleep well last night.  I guess I must've dozed off,"
I said quietly, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind my ear
and nervously shifting in the chair.  My cheeks felt warm and
my mouth felt dry, not to mention the fact that my heart was
pumping so loudly in my chest, it was making my ears ring.

"Well, these chairs are pretty comfortable.  You're not the first 
person to fall asleep out here," Kim remarked, obviously trying to 
alleviate some of my discomfort.  She smiled.  "There's a restroom 
you can use if you'd like to freshen up before you see your partner 
and Dr. Becker."

Mulder...

In my dazed state, I had completely forgotten to ask about him.
"Is he okay?" I asked, quickly standing up and straightening my
blouse.

"He's fine...a little impatient though.  The entire time I was with 
him, he kept talking about you and asking when I was going to come 
out here and get you.  I finally had to strike a deal with him to 
get him to cooperate."  She smiled, then added, "He reminds me of 
my husband.  He can't stay still either.  Now if you'll come with
me, I'll show you where the restroom is."

"Thank you," I replied as I followed her through the door.

"It's right over there to your left.  I'll go tell Dr. Becker 
you'll be in to see him shortly." she said as she headed in the
other direction.  "They're in exam room two."

"Thanks...I appreciate all your help." I pushed open the bathroom 
door, breathing a sigh of relief once I was on the other side. As 
nice and friendly as Kim was, I needed a few moments alone to gather 
my thoughts.

Leaning over the sink and resting my forearms on the edge of the
sink, I splashed some water on my face. The cool liquid was soothing 
against my flushed cheeks and for awhile, I just stayed that way,
watching the droplets of water slowly drip off my skin and slip
down the drain.

This was it.

In a few minutes, all the waiting and wondering would be over.

Splashing another round of water on my face, I took a deep breath,
and said a quick prayer for Mulder.  Then I patted my face dry with
some paper towels and ran my fingers through my hair a couple of
times.

In a few minutes, his life was going to change.

And so was mine.

But strangely enough as I stood there getting ready, I didn't feel
nervous anymore.  In fact, I felt calmer and more certain of things
than I had in a long time.

Maybe it was Mulder's gentle reassurance in the car, maybe it was 
the dream I had, or maybe it was simply faith...but somehow I knew 
that no matter what happened in the next few minutes, everything 
was going to be okay.

*We* were going to be okay.

Adjusting my blouse and checking myself in the mirror one last
time, I smiled and headed out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~

10:02 am

My eyes felt strange.

They didn't hurt or feel uncomfortable...they just felt different.

After Kim took my blood pressure, asked me several questions, and
removed my shields and patches, she gave me two different kinds 
of drops: tropicamide for dilation, and then about ten minutes 
later, some phenylephrine to dilate my eyes even wider. Since then, 
I've felt a constant prickling sensation in the back of my eyeballs.

When I had gotten up this morning, I felt some similar sensations, 
mostly in my left eye, but they were very subtle and I was so 
excited about being able to see some light that I didn't think 
much about them. Now not only was what I was feeling more intense, 
but the shadows beneath my lids seemed brighter.

Something was happening...something good. 

Kim left a few minutes ago to let Dr. Becker know I was ready
and to go get Scully, and it was all I could do to sit still in
the examining chair while I waited for them to come in.  While
trying to find yet another position to sit in, I finally heard the 
door open.

"Hello, Mr. Mulder," said Dr. Becker.  He walked towards me and 
put his hand on my forearm, guiding my hand into his for a handshake 
the same way that Kim had done.  "It's good to see you again.  How 
are you doing?" 

His voice sounded friendly and sincere, just as it had in the
hospital, and I immediately felt at ease. "Actually, I feel pretty 
good...I'm a little nervous though."
 
"That's perfectly understandable, Mr. Mulder.  You've been through
a lot, but I must say, you look a lot better today than you did the 
last time I saw you."  He pressed a button and my chair raised up
and tilted back a bit. "So, tell me...are you still having trouble 
with those dizzy spells of yours?" he asked, snapping on some latex 
gloves.

"They're not as frequent as they used to be, and when I do have
one, it doesn't take me as long to get over it as it used to."

"That's good to hear."  I could hear him picking something up
from the counter.  Maybe my chart...I wasn't sure though.

"Yeah, I think I'm finally getting the hang of this equilibrium 
thing," I stated with a nervous chuckle.   

"So, Kim tells me that you've been experiencing some strong 
sensations in your eyes and that you've been seeing some light
this morning.  What can you tell me about it?"

"When I woke up today, I was aware of light for the first time
since the explosion.  I've been seeing the same yellow shadows
all morning, and my eyes feel really prickly...kind of like
they're being poked with little pins."

"Those are both good signs, Mr. Mulder.  Tell me...have you  
been experiencing the same things in both eyes or have you
felt things in one eye more so than the other?"

"Everything that's been happening has been more intense in my 
left eye."  The room was quiet for a moment, and I could hear his
pen scratching against the paper as he wrote down the information.

"Now what's this bruise here I see above your right eye?"  

He lightly pressed on the small knot I had acquired earlier this 
morning.  The bump and the cut that was on it was still sensitive,
and I couldn't help flinching when he touched it with his cold 
fingers. "Sorry about that," he apologized.

"Still got your cold hands, huh?" I remarked, suddenly remembering 
how he had joked about his cold hands when he first examined me in 
the hospital.

"Yes, unfortunately for my patients, I do," he light-heartedly
replied.  "So, how did you get this?" he asked again.  I could
feel his warm breath against my forehead as he bent over for a 
closer look.  Judging from the strong smell of maple syrup that
wafted underneath my nose, he must've had pancakes for breakfast.

I didn't really feel like going into all the details of what had 
happened earlier this morning, so I simply answered, "I lost my 
balance and hit my head."  

"Well, the cut isn't too bad, but I'd say from the looks of it,
this bruise is going to be here awhile.  It's a deep one, and it
will probably take a couple of weeks before it's completely gone."
He lightly pressed the skin around my right eye, then my left one.
"When you hit your head, did you bump either of your eyes?"

"No, just my forehead," I answered, my mind beginning to wander. 

As much as I appreciated Dr. Becker's professionalism and 
thoroughness, I was beginning to wonder where Scully was. It 
seemed like quite awhile since Kim had gone to get her, and I 
was feeling more and more anxious by the minute.  Even though I 
had done a pretty good job so far of keeping myself calm during 
Dr. Becker's questions, I wanted Scully with me to help me get 
through this.

Or should I say...I *needed* her with me.

Just then, as if she had been somehow reading my mind, there was 
a knock on the door.

"Come on in," said Dr. Becker.

I heard the doorknob turning and then the familiar clicking of her
heels against the floor as she walked towards me.  The closer she
got, the more relaxed I felt.  

"Dr. Scully, it's nice to see you again," said Dr. Becker.  The
smell of maple syrup wafted towards my nose again as he leaned 
over my chair to shake Scully's hand.  

"Good morning, Dr. Becker. I appreciate you letting me be in here 
with Agent Mulder during the exam," Scully stated.  

Then she moved closer to me and put her hand on my forearm.  "You
doing okay, Mulder?" she asked, lightly touching my arm.

"I'm fine."

And I really was fine, now that she was here. 

Dr. Becker cleared his throat and said, "Well, okay then.  Let's 
take a look and see where we stand."

~~~~~~~~~~

I felt strange.

I wasn't really uncomfortable about being here with Mulder, but I 
felt kind of awkward. 

In all honesty, I wasn't sure what I should do.

Should I stand beside him or should I go sit down in the chair
next to the wall?  Should I ask questions during the exam or stay 
quiet until it was over with?  

I knew that I wanted Mulder to be able to see me when he opened  
his eyes, yet I didn't want Dr. Becker to feel distracted or 
uneasy with me standing so close by. Finally deciding to stand 
in front of his chair, I took a couple of steps backward and over 
to the left.

"Where are you going, Scully?" Mulder immediately asked, lifting 
his head up from the headrest. 

"I'm just moving over here in front of you, Mulder.  That way, 
I'll be the first person you see when you open your eyes," I 
answered reassuringly.
 
Dr. Becker stepped closer to Mulder and said, "In just a moment,
I'm going to turn on a bright light. Then you'll need to hold 
your eyes open for a few minutes while I examine them.  If you'll 
go ahead and lean all the way back, we can get started."

Dr. Becker tilted the light above the chair so that it aimed
directly at Mulder's face and turned it on.  "This light is pretty
intense so I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I'd like 
you to look straight up at the ceiling and try to keep your eyes 
open as wide as you can. Now they may sting and water a lot, but 
I need to take a good long look at them.  Are you ready?"
 
Mulder took a deep breath.  "Let's do it," he quietly replied,
turning his head towards me.

He had been so relaxed and confident out in the waiting room, but
now his jaw suddenly looked tense, and his fingers were gripping 
the sides of the chair so tightly his knuckles were beginning to
turn white.

I moved close enough to take his left hand off of the cushion, and 
slipped it into mine.  Then I bent over him and softly said, "Just 
relax, Mulder. Everything's going to be okay."

When I stood back up and looked over at Dr. Becker, he nodded his
head slightly as if to say, 'Yes, it will be.'

~~~~~~~~~~

"Alright, Mr. Mulder, whenever you're ready, I want you to go ahead 
and open your eyes. Just take it nice and slow," he said calmly.

Easy for him to say.

Almost instantly my entire body stiffened and a thin layer of 
sweat broke out on my forehead as I slowly began opening my eyes. 
My eyelids started to uncontrollably flutter, and my eyeballs felt
like they were on fire as they desperately tried to adjust to the 
light and the feel of the cool air on them.

"Just take it slow," Scully reminded me.

"I don't think I can go any slower than I already am," I dryly
commented.

"You're doing fine, Mr. Mulder.  I just need you to open your eyes 
a little wider so I can get a better look."

"Okay...I can do this."  After taking a couple of deep breaths, I 
tightly gripped Scully's hand, and forced my eyes open the rest of 
the way.

They immediately became flooded with tears, and they felt so 
scratchy it was as if someone was rubbing a piece of sandpaper 
over them.

As hard as I tried to keep them open, I just couldn't do it. 
Letting go of Scully's hand, I let out an exasperated breath and
leaned back in the chair.

Damn it.

Scully gently squeezed my shoulder and Dr. Becker carefully wiped
away the moisture that had accumulated around my eyes.  "That's 
alright. Your eyes have been closed for quite awhile, and it's 
natural that you'd have some trouble keeping them open now. Just 
take your time and let's try it again," he said in a comforting
voice.

"You can do it, Mulder," Scully said firmly as she gave my shoulder
another squeeze.

She was right.  

I could do it, and I was going to do it. 

Biting my bottom lip and gripping the sides of the chair again, 
I forced my eyes back open. They still felt scratchy, but this 
time instead of concentrating on what I was feeling, I tried to 
concentrate on what I was *seeing*.

And what I was seeing was light.

Real light.  

Not the pale yellow shadows I had seen this morning, but real light.

With shaky hands, I rubbed the moisture off of my eyes and blinked
several times.

Everything was sort of hazy, but very slowly things started coming
more into focus...the bright light over to my right, the brown door 
in front of me, the flower painting on the wall, Dr. Becker's multi-
colored tie, the blue blouse Scully was wearing...

Oh my God...I could see Scully...

She was standing to my left leaning over me and she was wearing
her favorite blue blouse with the top two buttons undone just the
way she always does.  

Jerking upright in the chair, I excitedly blurted out, "I can see 
you, Scully!  You're pretty blurry, but I can see you..."

Then I grabbed both of her arms and drew her over to me so quickly 
that she nearly lost her balance and fell right into my lap. "I can 
see you," I said again as I rapidly blinked my eyes, trying to get 
a better look at her face. 

Before she had a chance to say anything, I pulled her down even 
closer and cupped her cheeks in my hands. "I can really see you, 
Scully," I whispered a fourth time, still trying to process the  
fact that I was actually seeing her after all this time.

She put her hand behind my neck, looked right into my eyes, and 
softly answered, "I can see you too."

My eyes were watering and she still wasn't completely in focus, 
but I could see her well enough to see the tears in her eyes and 
the smile on her face.

And she never looked more beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~

11:30 am

The rain was gone.

A small sliver of sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, the
air smelled of wet grass, and the tree outside Dr. Becker's office
was gently swaying in the wind, its newly formed leaves making a
slight crackling sound.

I tilted my chin up towards the sky and closed my eyes for a moment, 
savoring the feel of the cool spring breeze against my face.

The rain was gone.

And so were my fears.

When I opened my eyes, Mulder was leaning down, looking at me.
"You're beautiful, Scully," he said softly, cupping my cheeks in 
his hands the same way he had in Dr. Becker's office.

*So are you*... I thought to myself, suddenly realizing just how
lucky I was to be standing here next to him. 

"I still can't believe that I can see you...or at least most of 
you.  Everything's still pretty blurry."  He bent down even closer 
to my face, squinting and blinking his eyes as he tried to adjust  
to the brightness of the outdoor light. 

I ran my fingers across his stubbly chin.  "You know it's going to 
take several months for your eyesight to improve. You have to be 
patient, Mulder."  

"I know, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a very patient 
man," he remarked, a hint of a smile crossing his face. 

"Oh, really?  I didn't know that," I commented, trying to hold
back my own smile.

"Yeah, it's true...and right now, I'd say that I've waited just 
about long enough to do this." In one quick movement he grabbed 
me around the waist, pulled me into his body, and kissed me with 
a gentleness so intense, it nearly made my knees buckle.

When he finally pulled back from me, he grinned and triumphantly 
said, "I told you that the next time we kissed, I'd be able to see 
your smile afterwards."  He brushed his fingers over the corners
of my mouth.  "I guess I was right, huh?"

"Yes, you were," I quietly replied, slipping my hand into his and
giving it a gentle tug. "It's been a long morning.  Let's go home." 

"Okay, but you're drivin'," he dryly commented.

Squeezing his hand, I smiled and said, "It's a deal."

~~~~~~~~~~

I wanted to see everything.

I wanted to look out the car window and watch the stoplights changing
from red to green.  I wanted to look up into the sky and see what
patterns the clouds were making after this morning's rain.  I wanted
to look at the trees blowing in the wind and people walking down the
street.  

Even though my vision was quite blurry and my eyes were starting to
hurt from being kept open so long, I wanted to see it all.

Dr. Becker had told me that I needed to get used to keeping my eyes 
open for short periods of time and then gradually, I could start 
keeping them open all the time. But after almost two weeks of darkness, 
I didn't want to do anything gradually.  I wanted to keep my eyes open 
for as long as I could and see as much as I could, regardless of how 
uncomfortable they felt. 

"Do you think you could drive through town instead of taking the 
highway?" I asked when we got to the first stoplight.

"I guess so, but you know how bad lunch hour traffic is. I thought 
you were anxious to get home." 

"I am, but I want to see as much as I can while I'm getting there."

I had to lean forward a little so I could see her face better, but 
I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she understood 
exactly what I meant. 

"Okay Mulder, through the city it is."

~~~~~~~~~~

We'd been in the car for twenty minutes and had only gone five 
miles, if even that.  

Not only was traffic unusually heavy, but we also encountered 
several unexpected construction zones along the way.  Although
I found our lack of movement to be frustrating, Mulder didn't 
seem to mind all the delays.

Actually, he was savoring them.

Watching him lean forward in his seat, squinting his eyes time and 
time again as he looked out at each new thing we passed, I felt an
overwhelming sense of relief, and my eyes began to well up with tears.

He could see.

After all the wondering and worrying, he was finally out of the
darkness.

He could see everything.

He could see *me*.

Dr. Becker said that although he most likely wouldn't regain all 
of his eyesight, in time he would be able to see well enough to 
do all the things he did before the explosion.  He'll need to go 
in for more extensive testing next week and we'll know more then, 
but I didn't want to think about any of that right now.

He could see again.

And that's all that really mattered.

"I'm sorry, Scully," said Mulder as we had to stop for yet another
traffic backup. "If I had known all this construction was going on,
I wouldn't have asked you to go this way."

I quickly looked away and sniffled, trying to hide the moisture in
my eyes.  "It's okay, Mulder.  You didn't know," I softly said,
wiping a few stray tears off my cheek. 

The next thing I felt was his hand gently squeezing my shoulder.
"What is it, Scully?  What's wrong?" he asked with concern. 

Slowly turning around, I took his chin in my hand, looked deeply
into his eyes and declared, "Nothing.....now."  

~~~~~~~~~~

12:55 pm

"Do you want anything else, Mulder?" Scully called out.

We'd just finished eating the Chinese food we had picked up on 
the way home, and now Scully was in the kitchen cleaning up. She
was standing by the sink and her back was turned to me. 

"Just you," I whispered as I snuck up behind her and wrapped my
arms around her waist. 

Dropping the dishtowel and turning herself around in my arms so
we were facing each other, she smiled and said, "I think that
can be arranged."

I know my vision's not the best right now, but there was no
mistaking what I saw in her eyes just then.

I drew her into my chest and stroked her hair.  "You're all I 
want, Scully."  I kissed her forehead and whispered, "...and all
I need."  

She wrapped her arms around me more tightly, and for awhile, we
just stood there, holding each other. 

When I finally pulled back from her and looked into her eyes, I
could see that they were clouded with tears.

Or maybe it was me who was on the verge of crying.

Using my thumbs, I gently wiped away the moisture beneath her eyes 
and said, "Shortly after I got out of the hospital, I made a promise 
to myself that if I was lucky enough to be able to see you again, I 
would tell you something. And now...now you're standing here in front 
of me and I'm looking at you, and I...I can hardly believe it." 

Tears began to trickle down her cheeks, yet she was smiling, and I
knew that what I was about to say was right.

"I was so afraid I was never going to see you again.  I thought 
I'd never have another chance to look into your eyes and tell 
you what's been in my heart for so long....but now I have that
chance...and I'm ready to take it."

Taking her face in my hands, I bent down closer to her and softly
said, "You're the best thing in my life, Scully... and I love you."  

She briefly closed her eyes and sighed, as if she was letting my 
words sink in, then she reached over and wiped the tears off of 
my face, just as I had done for her.  

And that's when I knew.

She was ready to take a chance too.

"Mulder, when you opened your eyes this morning and you were able
to see me, I've never felt so happy about anything in my life. I
was so afraid that I'd never get to look into your eyes again and
tell you how I really feel, but now I can....and I...I..." 

Taking a deep breath, she lightly brushed her fingers over my lips
and whispered, "I love you too, Mulder....and I have for a very 
long time."

Then she kissed me, and in that moment I felt as if all the pieces 
of my life that had been shattered in the explosion were put back 
together again.

Only stronger.

I took her into my arms, and she held me, pressing her cheek 
against my heart.

Now we could breathe again.


~end~


I did it...I actually did it...I wrote an XF novel.  Wow...

I'd love to know if it was worth waiting for.:)
susanf34@comcast.net


~~~~~~~~~~

There are many people who helped me along the way with this
story.  These are just a few of them...

Alyssa and darkstar...thank you for sending me such incredibly 
detailed feedback letters about every single chapter.  Your 
kind words inspired me and kept me going all these months...

Siobhan, Teresa, Amy, and Laurie...I knew that after EVERY 
chapter, I could count on letters from you in my inbox and 
you didn't disappoint me.  Your comments never failed to 
make me smile. A big thanks to Amethyst too for providing 
me with some valuable medical advice.

A special thanks also goes to Sarah McLachlan, Seal, Moby,
Peter Gabriel, and Mark Snow for providing me with many
hours of inspirational music as I plunked away at the keyboard
on this story.:)

But the biggest cyber-hugs of all go to Amanda and Suzanna, 
who were with me right from the beginning. 

Amanda...your honesty was just the kick in the butt I needed 
sometimes.:) I may not have always liked hearing what you had 
to say, but your comments made me a better writer, and for that, 
I give you a BIG thank you.

Suzanna...words cannot express how grateful I am to you for all 
the tireless hours of editing you did, all the times you listened 
to my moaning and groaning (and there were a lot of those), and 
for all the times you told me, "Scully wouldn't do that."  Simply 
put, I couldn't have written this story without you.  Thank you 
for being my editor, my sounding board, and my cheerleader, but 
most of all for being my friend.:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

possibilities
http://possibilities.bravehost.com/


Started February 1999 - Completed June 2000.