Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 14:46:04 -1000 Subject: New Fic : Your Life's Songs 1/6 Author: dksculder@mindspring.com Rating: Strong R for violence, swearing Keywords: Rape, eating disorder Category: MSRA Summary: Scully's life fitting into bits and pieces of songs Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Maggie, Bill, Bill Jr, Charles, TLG all belong to the Silver Surfer. Katie belongs to Scott, as he belongs to her. Kara belongs to a different Scott. Kim belongs to David. And Ryan (unfortunately) belongs to my imagination. I know, I'm sick. Archive: Please let me know where it's going. If anyone can post it somewhere all in one piece I'd be much obliged. Please Please Please Please Please tell me what you think. You liked it, you hated it, I should write more, I should burn the computer and all pencils or pens and paper in my house, whatever. Just send me feedback. Your Life's Songs ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Clearly I remember picking on the boy seemed a harmless little fuck. But we unleashed a lion.... how could I forget he hit me with a surprise left my jaw left hurting dropped wide open.... -Jeremy, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ April 10, 1969 McCardle Elementary School Ryan walked slowly and deliberately towards the schoolyard fence. He was almost to the gate next to the swingset when he walked slightly to his left to pull the little blond girls pigtails and push her little brother down. He was angry. The teacher had yelled at him in front of the entire class for not having his homework done. The third grader couldn't exactly tell Mr. Jamison that his dad had torn it up last night in front of his face during one of his fits because he had not moved fast enough when his dad yelled for another beer. "You don't need to be messing around with this shit! You're not smart enough for it to make a difference anyway! Now get me my goddamn drink!" Ryan had been through the social worker thing before when the teacher from his last school had suspected abuse after he had come to school with a black eye. They came out, took statements from him, his mom, and his dad. Of course they believed his dad. And his mom would always defend her husband. She was addicted to shopping, and she could do a lot of shopping on an admiral's pay. Who was going to believe him? After the social workers had left that night, apologizing profusely for the "misunderstanding", Ryan had received the beating of a lifetime. So today, without being able to explain his missing homework, he was frustrated and needing to take out his frustrations somewhere. "Ouch!" cried the little girl. "Stop it!" Ryan's acknowledgment of her cries were to push her down. He turned then, feeling a little better and walked towards the gate again. He had made it half way down the block when he heard them coming. "There he is!" "Get him!" "Look at the admiral's boy run!" "Catch him!" *Christ!* thought Ryan. *Will this day never end?* The two boys ran much faster than Ryan, who was a good three grades younger, and blocked his way out. The weekly ritual. They'd tease him, then beat him up. Since they had first learned that he was the admiral's son there had been trouble. They didn't seem to care that he was miserable at home. All they cared was that his dad held a much higher rank than their dads and that made it okay to beat him up. Ryan knew to expect it. It had been happening for as long as he could remember. Only once when he was younger did he remember meeting another admiral's son. They had become friends immediately. The one thing he learned from Jacob was that if he never stood up to the bullies, they would continue to beat him up. So Ryan had waited. He had known that a day like today would come. He knew that someday he would be furious and with the rage that he had let build, he would make a name for himself at this school by beating up the school bullies. "Are ya ready, Ryan? You're gonna be sorry you were ever born after today, jerk off!" "Yeah," said the second boy. Ryan knew that Lee, the first boy, was the true bully here. Miguel really was just a younger punk that would follow along with whatever was popular at the time. Lee was the important one, the one he needed to worry about. "Actually, Lee, I think you're going to be the one that's sorry." Ryan reached over as he spoke and grasped the other boy around the throat with both of his hands and began to squeeze with all of his might. At the same time, his knee rose quickly and made contact with the larger boy's testicles. Tears sprang to Lee's eyes immediately. He gasped for breath but Ryan just tightened his grip. Lee's last thoughts before consciousness left him, was that he had definitely underestimated the younger boy. He was immensely frightened by the cruel grin slowly spreading across Ryan's face. That grin would be the last thing he ever saw. Ryan let Lee's body drop to the ground and turned to look at Miguel. With a coldness in his eyes that Miguel would never forget for the rest of his life, despite years of therapy, Ryan said, "You'd better call 911. Your amigo is about to die." The boy turned back to Lee and cut his left eye with a razor blade he had tucked into the English book he was carrying. Miguel turned and ran for help, mercifully not seeing the rest of the torture about to follow. By the time the police and ambulance arrived, Lee had lost both eyes, an ear, his tongue, and part of one testicle. Ryan knew he was going to juvenile hall, but he also knew that Ryan Turner would be a name around naval bases that was feared, or at least respected, forever more. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "She holds the hand that holds her down." --Daughter, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ September 6, 1978 7:18 a.m. San Diego Union High School "Dana, I'm so proud of you! Your first day of high school. According to your schedule you're going to have advanced English in the mobile classrooms. That will be combined with other grades, you know, but I'm sure you'll do fine, honey. I can have your brother-" "MOM! Chill out. I'm fine. Today will be fine. And so will tomorrow. And then the day after that. As far as Bill goes, tell him to stay far away from me, he doesn't belong on campus anymore anyway. Geesh, how embarrassing!" "I know. Sorry, honey. It's just hard for me, you being my baby girl and all." "I know, Mom, but Katie's going to be right there with me. And Kim, and Kara, and both of the McClellan sisters. Everyone from church goes here, Mom. Relax. I'll be home right after school." She kissed her mom on the cheek and exited the car. She walked onto the campus and quickly found her friends. They chatted for a while, found their lockers, and went to class. 7:45 a.m. Advanced English "Schmidt, Amanda." "Here." "Scully, Dana." "Here." "Smith, Jonathan." "Jon! Present." "Jon, so noted." "Thomson, Scott." "Here." "Turner, Ryan." "That would be me." "Nice to see you again, Mr. Turner. Perhaps this year will be more productive than last year was." "I'm sure it will be, Mrs. Green. It's already looking much better," he said looking Dana right in the eyes. She blushed, and he was hooked. She was a freshman. A nobody. No one would care enough about her to warn her off away from the handsome buff senior. Or her friends would be young enough to not know to warn her off. He knew from the moment she blushed that she was his for the taking. Some dumb freshman, a little on the heavy side. Who else was going to look at her twice? Not with that flaming red hair! He turned to look at Jon, "two weeks" he mouthed to Jon, who just grinned in response. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ December 21, 1980 Scully family home 3:48 p.m. "Dana! Phone! It's Ryan." "I'll take it in my room! "Okay! I've got it!" "Hey babe. How's it going?" "Better now." "Did you get your dress yet?" "Yeah. It's gorgeous. You'll love it." "Great. I'm on my way. Be wearing it when I get there." "It's in the alteration shop right now. Mom and I are going to go get it tomorrow morning. It'll be ready for tomorrow night though." "Why is it in the alteration shop, Dana?" he said slowly, his voice lowering a little. "Most of the girls had to get their dresses altered, Ryan. It's okay. The people at the store said it's normal. They sell the dresses in a really small size and then take them out to fit all the time. That's just the way they do it." "You had to have your prom dress taken out because you're too fat! That's what your saying, isn't it?" She made no attempt to respond. She knew he was right. He was always showing her other girls who were smaller than her in one way or another. Her legs were smaller. That one had a smaller waist. She had more toned arms. Dana had ignored him at first, then she had slowly began to wonder. If there were so many girls smaller than her, there must be something wrong with her. Thank God for Ryan. He was always with her, so when it was lunch time he could help her to not eat anything. Skipping lunch was a start. "What are you, an idiot?!" "Huh? I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't hear you." "That's obvious. Look, if you're not going to pay any attention to me when I'm talking to you then why don't we just call this whole thing off? I mean Jesus, Dana, the least you could do is pay me a little respect! You know I'm doing you a favor here. Unless you want to just keep getting fatter. And it's not like any other guy in his right mind would ever give you a second look. I mean, I love you, Dana. That's why I'm trying to help you." "I know Ryan." Her face was crumpled up. The tears were going to come soon. One thing that made him instantly angry was when she cried. "Have you eaten anything today?" God. She knew she'd be in trouble now. Her mom had been worried because she had become so "obsessed" with her weight and her body. She had sat down and made her eat a tuna sandwich. But she knew Ryan would be angry at her for eating anything without asking him first. He was trying so hard to help her. She knew she was lucky to be with him. He was so thoughtful. He even weighed her everyday to help her keep track of her weight. She explained to him about the sandwich. She also explained that they were having tons of family over tonight for the Scully Christmas Family Feast and she would be expected to eat. "I'll be there tonight then. Tell your Mom I'm coming over." Your Life's Songs 2/6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "She nursed him there -- over night wasn't so sure she wanted him to stay what to say, what to say soon she was down, soon he was low at a quarter past -- holy no she had to turn around when she couldn't hold on she folded dissident is here escape is never the safest path dissident is here..." --Dissident, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ December 21, 1980 8:39 p.m. Scully Family Home Ryan sat down on her bed and looked at her. She came over and knelt in front of him. She was crying. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry. Help me. Just tell me what to do to make it better. Please." She had asked what to do to make it better many times before. Usually he would have sex with her. That always put him in a better mood. That was what she expected him to say. Especially since her parents were just out in the backyard with everyone else. He liked it when she was scared about getting caught. "Go to your bathroom. I'll meet you there in a minute." She looked up at him questioningly. "ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID??? I SAID GO!!" He reached down and yanked her up by her hair. She had her own private bathroom connected to her bedroom, a rarity in naval housing, but they had lucked out in getting the house that the independently wealthy couple had been remodeling, just for the heck of it. Being that they were the only ones that were in the house, no one heard her cry out in pain. He dragged her by her hair to the bathroom and held her in front of the mirror. The tears had sprung to her eyes when he grabbed her hair. It felt like fire, burning so badly. She wondered if she was going to have a bald spot on her head, she was certain that some of her hair had come out. "Look at you! You're a mess. Look at how fat you are!" He pushed her back down on her knees. She was fully sobbing by now and shaking from fear, which only made Ryan angrier. "You make me fucking sick!" He kicked her hard in the stomach. She doubled over, gasping for breath. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. She especially couldn't believe that it was Ryan that was doing it to her. "GET THE FOOD OUT!!! You don't fucking deserve to eat anything! Now get it out!" "Wh-wh-what are you-ou t-t-t-t, aahhh, talk-king about?" He was furious with her for speaking and had pulled her hair mid-sentence. The fact that she was questioning him earned her a hard slap across the face. Enough to make her lip bleed. "Throw it up! Get it out of your fat fucking body, you bitch! You don't deserve it." "FUCK YOU!!!!" she screamed at him. "That's it, you bitch! I'm gonna teach you how to treat a man." He slapped her again and pinched her on the side of her breast. She knew she was bruising already. He pinched her face and her arms also. She was in a state of shock. Ryan had never been "violent" with her. Just a slap or pinch here and there when she was really acting up, she thought. She'd never seen him like this though. "I've waited long enough for this," he said as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his erection. "Suck it, you bitch!" "You're fucking crazy," she whispered. "I'm through with this shit. Get out." His fist came hard and fast out of no where it seemed and connected with her left eye. The force of the blow caused her to fly backwards and for her head to hit the bathtub hard enough to leave a huge knot. "Oh....uhh....God....don't....oh, God....help....ahhh.." she whimpered. Her heart was racing. She had never known fear like this. She thought it had been scary before when they had made love in the living room with her parents sleeping just down the hall. Now she knew of terror. Of fearing for her life. She could see him coming towards her as she lay half on the floor and half on the tub. She knew she had to get away, but her legs wouldn't cooperate. Her left eye was swelling shut, but her right eye was wide with horror and terror. "I should've put you in your place long ago." He straddled her head and lowered himself down so his erection was pushed against her lips. He reached back and grabbed a handful of hair and tightened his grip until she cried out. As soon as her mouth opened he shoved himself inside of her. She immediately gagged, trying to push him out of her mouth with her tongue. Innocent, and not understanding how much she was turning him on by fighting him, she struggled to get free. The more she fought against him the better it was and the more turned on he got. With his fist still in her hair he began slamming himself harder and harder into her mouth. Almost immediately he came. Semen gushed into her mouth and down her throat and chin. She gagged again, then swallowed. She was nauseous. She crawled away from him into her room. He zipped up his pants and walked after her into her room where he kicked her twice more in the ribs. As he was stepping over her limp body, he bent down and said, "I was about done with your fat ass anyway," then walked out. She heard the front door slam and managed to crawl out into the hallway. Bill Jr and Charles were coming in at that moment. Bill took one long look at her, taking in the swollen eye, bruised face, bleeding lip, and semen on her chin and said, "I'm gonna kill that bastard." He was gone by the time Charles came back with their mom. Charles rounded up the male cousins very discreetly and went looking for Bill and Ryan. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "She holds the hand that holds her down She will RISE above..." --Daughter, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ December 21, 1980 9:27 p.m. Scully Family Home Dana crawled back into the bathroom, stuck her fingers down her throat and threw up every trace of Ryan. Her mother stood horrified at the door. Dana looked up and said, "I will never lose control again. I swear to you." Margaret Scully's hair on her neck and arms stood on end when her daughter made the solemn vow. Her tone of voice was utterly even and controlled and her crying had stopped. Margaret took care of her daughters injuries over the next couple of weeks, never knowing that she had witnessed the beginning of a battle that would consume her daughter for the next 18 years of her life. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "I feel good It's a fine day The way the sun hits off the runway A cloud shifts The plane lifts She moves on" --She Moves On, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Bill and Margaret Scully stood arm in arm watching their daughter leave for college. She had overcome the disaster with Ryan well enough. Once Margaret had tried to talk to her about it, find out exactly what had happened and how she was doing. Dana had stopped her mid sentence and told her that she didn't ever want the subject brought up again. Maggie had let it rest because Dana had seemed to do so well afterwards. She was coping with it on her own, she guessed. Her grades had improved and she had lost weight. She was always at home. What was there to complain about? She had moved on. Maggie took one last long look and waved into the crowd of people boarding the airplane and turned with her husband to go home. Your Life's Songs 3/6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "clouds roll by reeling is what they say or is it just my way? wind blows by low light sidetracked low light can't see my tracks your scent way back can I be here all alone" --Low Light, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ June 13, 1997 11:21 p.m. Scully's Apartment She sat on the floor in the living room in front of the couch. The cards were still on the top of the stereo from when they had played Pounce and Speed the last Saturday night he had come over to her place. It had been a long time. At least a month. She hadn't gone to his house either. She had distanced herself from him. She wasn't sure what to do with all of these feelings. She wanted him near her. *Please,* she thought, *just ignore what I've told you, know my heart and please come over and please just sweep me off my feet and maybe even ignore my protests and maybe please kiss me.* There had been a time, right before she had stopped going over to his place, that they had been watching a movie and they found their hands intertwined. Then his arm was around her. She had layed her head down on his chest and they had slouched, just a little, throughout the rest of the movie and the credits until after the movie they found that she was practically laying on top of him. He had held her head in his strong hands and caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. He hadn't said anything at first with his mouth. It had all been said with his eyes. He loved her. She told him silently that she loved him back. He was her everything. She was his. Together. We belong like this. This is right. The next step. My heart is in your hands. Then he had ruined it all. He had made a mockery of her having worn her heart on her sleeves like that. "You're so beautiful." *Liar!* her head had screamed at her. If he lied to her about something as simple as that what would he do with the deeper truer feelings of her heart. She had fled. She put walls up at work and the Saturday evenings just stopped. He told her once, quickly before he walked away from her, "I'll wait for you as long as you need. Just come back." She felt the tears slipping down her face. How had she thrown something so good away? She felt so alone without him. She hadn't realized how much easier and happier he had made her regular everyday life. "This sucks," she said right before her fingers dialed his number. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "I'm accustomed to a smooth ride Or maybe I'm dog who's lost it's bite I don't expect to be treated like a fool no more I don't expect to sleep through the night Some people say a lie's a lie's a lie But I say Why Why deny the obvious child?" --The Obvious Child, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dammit! He lost sight of her. *Now what?* he thought. He continued walking down the hallway and checking the rooms he passed. Another boiler-room. Another bathroom. Another closet. The laundry room. He could just barely make out the top of her head. He walked very slowly and quietly around the row of washing machines in the center of the room. He watched her take the pills. She popped them into her mouth and threw her head back and managed to swallow them without the aid of any liquids. His face crumpled up just a bit in disgust. He feel his mouth starting to water as he remembered the last time he had tried that trick and wound up with a dissolving aspirin in his mouth. He finally gave up and just spit the thing out. "Yuk!" His mouth hadn't stopped watering for another hour. "Scully, you okay?" She jumped about two feet. "Mulder! What are you doing here? Why'd you sneak up on me like that?" How much did he see, she thought. She was wiping tears off of her face. He reached over and pulled her close to him. He hugged her tightly and said, "I'm sorry. I had no idea how affected you were by this case." "No, it's not tha--" she started. "Thanks." *She can't look me in the eyes.* He asked her how she was doing. He mouthed 'fine' right along with her. He knew better to ask her that question and expect the truth anymore. He sighed. "Why can't you be honest with me?" he pushed her back a step so he could look into her face. His voice had cracked as he asked her. Honesty was extremely important to him and she had refused him on this repeatedly. It was useless to try to look in her eyes as she wouldn't look at him. "Why should I? Most of the time you aren't honest with me." "Excuse me? Pot, meet kettle. Who's not honest with whom?" "I meant about the case and telling the whole truth. What the hell are we doing here on this damn case anyway? It's not paranormal. It's just some sick mother fucking bastard that's going around ruining women's lives. Why don't you ever stop to think about these things or ask me before you just decide we have to be right in the thick of things digging up demons? Leave them alone!! I don't want to remember this shit!" she screamed at him. "Oh God." his face looked like he was in utter agony. "When?" "Mulder...." "When?!" he shouted at her. "Did you know me? Where was I? What happened?" he was almost hysterical at the thought that he had not been there to protect her. "Mulder." she layed her hand on his arm. "I was in high school. It's okay. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm sorry. Can we please just drop this?" He pulled her into to his arms. "Dana....." What was there to say really? She had been raped and he had pulled her out here to examine the women who had just gone through the same thing. What memories had this brought back? His heart tightened in his chest thinking about how he had caused her grief and god knows what else by asking, no insisting really that she come with him on this case, despite her repeated refusals and trying to get out of this assignment. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "I wish I was a neutron bomb for once I could go off I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on I wish I was as fortunate as fortunate as me..." --Wishlist, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ February 20, 1998 Altro, Kentucky Dr. R. D. Mercer's House/Office "Dammit! Why does he always ditch me like this?" She was furious. Yet again, her wonderful partner had asked her to do something involving a dead body and while she was off doing her part (which generally involved her finding the hard evidence needed to solve the case) he took off and left her in god-knows-where, Kentucky. She heard her cell phone ringing in her coat pocket. She hurried across the cramped office to answer it. "Scully.....Unh-huh.....And just exactly where are you Mulder?" He was making excuses for ditching her and telling her how much he appreciated her helping him. He ranted about how much he needed her there doing just exactly what it was she was doing. "You're the best slicer and dicer around, Scully." "Oh you sweet talker you," she said dryly. She finished the conversation without ever voicing her disappointment and frustrations. She wondered how he got to her this way. She'd have to talk to Katie about that. She dialed Katie's number and waited, hoping that she wasn't going to get the machine. "Hello?" "It's Dana. How ya doin', Kate?" "Well, it sounds like I'm doing better than you. What's up?" "I was just wondering if I could talk to you for a while. For the first time ever I want to give you the chance to use your head shrinking skills on me." "Wow. And here I was thinking that I was never going to get to shrink that head of yours. Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? Scott's taking Grace and the boys to that new mini golf place for a kids night out. It would be perfect. Can you make it?" "Sure. Thanks, Katie." "Is there anything I should know right now?" "No, no. It's nothing major, really. I just want to talk to a friend. That your a psychologist is just a bonus. I need to talk about my partner and our relationship." "I knew it! When's the date?" "What?" "You guys are getting married, huh? Don't tell me you already have. I wanted to be there." "Katie, there are wrongs and there are way way wrongs. And, baby, are you ever wrong. He's driving me nuts, and I feel like I can't talk to him about it. I need some help here in the communication department. Listen -- the lab results should be back on my case now, I gotta go. See you tonight. What time?" "How's 6:30 for ya?" "Perfect. See ya later, Shwoopy." Katie let loose with a full belly laugh. "Lord, no one's called me that in years. See ya tonight, Red." Scully hung up the phone and booked the next flight home. Your Life's Songs 4/6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Is something wrong she said Of course there is: you're still alive She said: Do I deserve to be is that the question and if so, if so who answers, who answers?" --Alive, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 8, 1998 6:30 a.m. Scully's bathroom The tears were flowing freely down her face. She rocked back onto her heels and waited for the next wave to hit her. She sobbed and choked, gagging on the bile that was still in her mouth, realizing that the gag was going to turn into something more she leaned back over the toilet and let the vomit roar out of her with a force that was terrifying. Gasping for breath, she sat back again, certain that it was over. She leaned back against the wall, fighting to slow down and return her breathing to normal. She stood up, realized how shaky she was, closed the lid to the toilet, sat down, then reached back and flushed it. "Fuck! What a way to start a day! God, please let the rest of my day go better than this. Please. I'll go to mass on Sunday. Please?" She rested for a while longer, then brushed her teeth, gargled, and stepped into the shower to begin her morning routine. March 8, 1998 11:48 a.m. FBI Headquarters She couldn't believe that she had put all the paperwork necessary for this afternoon's meeting off for so long. It was very unlike her, so she was trying to get all of the reports filed out properly. She was still in a bad mood from her morning illness and a little tired out from it. She worked steadily though at her desk. She suddenly realized that Mulder's characteristic chattering about some strange phenomena had died down. The room was completely quiet except for her nails hitting the keys on the keyboard of her computer. She looked over at Mulder only to see him staring right back at her. "How long?" "A good ten minutes at least. Your house." "No way!" she said. "It couldn't have been that long." "Oh yeah. I timed it. You know the rules. Your house." They regularly played this game, just to break the monotony, of course. They would catch each other working and just stare until the other one realized that they were being watched. If they managed to not be noticed watching the other one for more than 5 minutes, Saturday night would be hosted at the one "too occupied to notice their surroundings" house. Always Chinese or pizza. Always a movie. Almost always at his house. There were many times though that he would catch her. Normally she got caught at six minutes. She sometimes wondered if he did it on purpose. But she didn't really mind. She just wished sometimes that he wouldn't catch her just yet because she really did enjoy watching him. Especially when he was wearing his glasses. "What do you say we go grab a bite at Denny's? My treat. Denny burger combo. Just don't think about all the grease on the hamburger and in the fries, and just don't think about the lawsuit. And forget all about the last time you found those spider legs in your salad. I promise it will be better this time. My treat." "Mulder, while you do make an interesting argument in favor of active imagination use while eating, I have too much work to do before our meeting with Skinner this afternoon. Sorry. How 'bout a raincheck?" "Yeah, what's the deal with all that? Even I got my reports done, Scully, and I had the guys put up at my house all weekend. They were having their place de-bugged." She sat back a little in her chair and arched one eyebrow. "How did anyone manage to get a bug past them? I would have thought with all of their paranoia and equipment, that no one could have gotten past the front door, let alone with a bug. What happened?" Mulder laughed. "I like the conspiratorial tone your mind is taking on. Roaches, Scully, roaches. And just forget about the jacket you left there. Trust me when I say you don't want it back. Even before the roach attack, I think Frohike got a hold of it. Believe me, it's best to just not go down that road. It was ugly. Bugs everywhere. Just be glad they didn't come stay with you this weekend." Scully gave him The Look. "If they had fireballs raining on them from out the sky, they wouldn't come to my place for one hour, let alone the weekend. "Anyway, I wasn't feeling so hot this weekend so I rested and just let it slide." "Hey I said I was sorry. I promise we won't ever order from Kim Su Wan's again." He had a vivid picture of her getting sick in his bathroom. His stomach had been a little upset, but he thought that to be mostly from listening to Scully puking her guts up. But since she had eaten a lot more than he had, the probability was high that she would have been affected worse. He felt horrible. "Well, anyway, do you want me to bring you back anything?" She thought for a second before she said, "No, I'd better not. I think I already ate too--" she looked like a deer caught in headlights for just a split second. A short enough amount of time that anyone else would have missed it. Mulder saw it though and decided to let it slide for now. She recovered quickly though and finished "much unhealthy food for a while. I'm still recovering and anything would be a bit premature at this point. Unless of course you'd like a repeat of Saturday night." She laughed when she saw him visibly turn a shade paler. "Be back in a about twenty-five then. I'm just going upstairs." He didn't stop to think that her laughter had made him feel like he was walking on air. Her drop dead looks and that smile. He was in a good mood and he'd come back and help her with her reports and he'd be rewarded by more of her smiles, and of course, sitting close enough to her to smell her perfume. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "By moon we walk to the brujo's door along the path of river stone we join the fevers and the broken bones all of the spirit voices sing rainwater, sea water, river water, holy water, wrap this child in mercy--heal her heavens only daughter all of these spirit voices rule the night" --Spirit Voices, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 8, 1998 7:08 p.m. Scully's Apartment She sighed as she walked into the dining room, setting her briefcase on the table. She walked back into the bedroom and hung up her coat. As almost a second thought she decided to grab a pair of jeans and her favorite v-neck sweater to change into. She did so and then meticulously hung her work clothes back up. She put the blouse, camisole, pantyhose and slip into the laundry hamper. Shoes were placed in the box they had come in back on the shelf on top of the closet. She pushed the chair back to the corner of the bedroom and sat down on the bed. She knew she had been a bitch to Mulder earlier. He had come back from lunch and nothing he could do was right. She had snapped at him for no reason, then later, after their meeting she had felt remorseful and had tried to make it up to him. It was just that sometimes he could make his way right to her heart and frankly, it scared the shit out of her. She was deep in thought when she felt her spine began to tingle and her hair on the back of her neck stood up. She knew that she was not alone in her apartment. "No." It was a small sob, caught in her throat. "Not again." She took several deep breaths as she fought the panic that was rising in her. She knew by some primitive intuition that she was not going to win the fight tonight, and wondered for just a split second whether it was even worth the fight. Of course. She would always fight it. *You fucking bitch!* "No." *Did you really think you could get away with being a good little girl today? I know better. I know what you really are. I know what you're really like.* "No!!!" ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Don't you think you oughtta rest? Don't you think you oughtta lay your head down? Don't you think you want to sleep? Don't you think you oughtta lay your head down tonight. Don't you think you've done enough? Don't you think you've got enough? well, maybe... You don't think there's time to stop There's time enough for you to lay your head down, tonight. Let it wash away All those yesterdays What are you running from? taking pills to get along creating walls to call your own so no one catches you drifting off and doing all the things that. we. all. do." --All Those Yesterdays, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 8, 1998 Outside Scully's Apartment 7:12 p.m. Mulder sat in his car outside of Scully's apartment wondering whether or not he should go in. Scully had been acting strange all day. First she wouldn't say anything to him at all. Then after lunch she was downright hostile towards him. By the end of the evening he could have sworn she was being ultra-nice. She was practically making up work to do. Not just anything, but stuff that she needed his signature on or his opinion on. He was pretty sure that she was stalling for time. Almost as if she didn't want him to leave, or to leave work herself. But no, it went back further than that. Her mood swings had been increasingly unpredictable. At first he had attributed it to the stress of her having cancer, then beating it, having a daughter she knew nothing about, then no longer having a daughter. No longer being able to have children, then finding that yes, she could have children. Not to mention the general stress of work. But then he saw her popping pills. He had confronted her about it, but of course she had denied everything. She came up with plausible excuses. They were just a little energy boost because she had been so sick over the weekend. The chemo had left her body weakened and she was prone to getting the flu, he knew. But the mood swings were really too much. He would think things were going better between the two of them. They would grow closer then she would push him away. He remembered one time when she had been working for 17 days straight, no weekends. He came into the office on Sunday morning. "Scully, what are you doing here?" "Oh just catching up on some work." "What work could you possibly have. This makes over two weeks that you've been here every day, and into the wee hours of the morning, I might add. Seriously, what are you doing here?" "Well, to be completely honest, reviewing the Karen O'Reiley case. There must have been something that I could have done differently and then she would still be alive." "Scully.... There's no way you could have known. No one could have. Let it go. I know it's hard, but you've got to except that sometimes we just can't catch the bad guys in time. We can hope to do better the next time, but you did do everything that was possible, by the book. It's not your fault." "Then why does it feel like it is solely my fault? Like I should have known? That I missed something." They had talked for a while more before she said she had forgotten about some evidence down at Quantico that she wanted to go over also and left. She continued working like that, daily, until Mulder had gone to Skinner with his concern for his partner. Skinner ordered her to take 5 days off. She of course protested, but Mulder had driven her home and sat down on the couch with her until she had dropped, completely exhausted. He had carried her to bedroom, expecting her to wake up anytime and smack the crap out of him for treating her like an invalid. He tucked her in, and slept on the couch. She slept all night, and all the next day, not waking until 3:10 in the morning, very upset that she had wasted so much time. He managed to get her to eat a Healthy Living frozen dinner, well part of it anyway, and she fell back to sleep, he stayed again. She had of course, kicked him out the next afternoon, when she woke, promising to be a good girl and staying at home resting. He felt better that she had rested for a while at least, so he left her alone, sitting outside of her apartment for the next day to make sure she didn't leave. She returned to work the next week, much more calmed and able to cope with the stress of having this job they shared. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "And all of these spirit voices rule the night." --Spirit Voices, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 8, 1998 Scully's house 7:44 p.m. Inside the war was just beginning to get ugly. "I am not, I am not, I am not. Nononononononononono." She was completely undone. Crying hysterically, mumbling to herself. Her cheeks completely wet, nose running and red, eyes red too. *You think he actually gives a damn about you? Look at you! You fat, ugly, disgusting bitch! He's not going to want someone like you. You're not whole. You've had cancer. Who would want you? Certainly not him.* "We're just friends. It's okay. It's okay." The last couple of sentences had been whispered to herself as she sat in a corner on the kitchen floor, rocking herself, holding her hands over her ears. "I was so good today. I didn't eat anything for lunch. Nothing. Nothing to drink either. I was really really good. Please. Please, I was so good." *Good is not a word to EVER use with you. You're no good. You might not have eaten anything at lunch, but you tried to tell him. You were a wreck today! You almost told him! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!* She just cried. Beginning to believe the voice. Beginning to know that the voice was starting to win the fight she had known was a losing battle, but had hoped that she could at least fend off for a while longer than this. March 8, 1998 Mulder's Car 8:16 p.m. Mulder still sat in the car arguing with himself. Finally he realized that the mood swings had become more and more frequent over the last few months. Regardless of the stress of the cancer and Emily, his heart told him there was more here. He could sense her fragility. Something was up, and it was about time that he confronted her about it. Too much time had been wasted. He loved her too much to see her destroy everything they had spent six years working to build between them. He loved her too much. He loved her too much? Loved? *I love her?* Thirty more minutes were spent with Mulder trying to figure out just when it was that he fell in love with her and just how it was that he had been so dense to not know it before now. Then he started to slowly make his way up to her apartment. March 8, 1998 Scully's Kitchen 8:16 p.m. *Just fucking eat whatever. It doesn't matter, you're a fucking fat pig. You're a whore. You had a baby and you don't even know what the fuck happened. Bitch!* Something inside of her finally snapped and she knew what she must do. Not that she had any control over it. She didn't. But she did. She wasn't sure exactly how it worked, but she knew that if she stuffed herself full enough, the voice would shut the hell up. For a while at least, there would be no more torment. Mechanically her mind began to work at furious speeds. "Okay, I've got to get the jeans off." They wouldn't stretch enough. Sweats. "Where are my sweats? Hamper. No, those are dirty from this morning. I'm wearing underwear. Good enough." She ran as if the hounds of hell themselves were chasing her to her bedroom. She had her jeans off and in the hamper, and in record time was in front of the refrigerator with her fingers in the cake. It was a frenzy. More. More. More. It was the only thought that was going through her head. Except. *That's right. You knew you couldn't go without food. You're so weak. You need the food. You can't do anything right. What happened to your little promise this morning of this never happening again? You're a liar. You lie about everything and to everyone. You lie to your mom. 'No, Mom, everything's just fine.'* The cake was almost completely gone. Her stomach was hard now. When did she make the cake? What flavor was it? She looked at her hands. "Chocolate. Of course." What else was there? What else? "Where did I put those cookies?" *You lie about everything. You lie to Mulder, the man you supposedly love. You lied to that little girl of yours. 'I just want to let you know that everything's going to be okay.' You lied to that little chess boy. 'No one's going to hurt you.' You lie to yourself all the time. 'I've got self control. I'll only eat two cookies per day.' What good are you?* She opened the package and popped three Hydrox in her mouth at once. Barely taking the time to swallow, she grabbed another fist full. Then, the worst sound in the world floated down to her ears.. "NOOOO!!!" It was out of her mouth before she realized the implications it would have. No, no, no. "Please, God, don't let it be him. He's got a key." She had to stuff several more cookies in her mouth. There was a pounding on the door. She ate several more, then grabbed the milk out of the fridge and started gulping it down. "SCULLY! SCULLY!" More banging on the door. The milk cleared the palette some. More cookies. The door hit the wall. Hidden away in the kitchen corner the way she was she knew that there would be about a minute or two left while he checked the house that she could keep on eating. "SCULLY!!!" She grabbed the tuna bowl that was on the ground next to her, opened it quietly and started eating it with her fingers while she watched him going in and out of the bathroom and spare room with his gun drawn. She was eating as quickly as she could. She had to get more before he found her. She stuffed more tuna in her mouth and choked, just a small cough really. But it was enough. He heard it and spun around. He didn't see her immediately, being hidden in the corner, the way she was. He had to come closer to see over the breakfast bar to where she sat crouched in the corner. But then he did see her. She was numb now. Wonderfully, comfortably numb. No feelings was a GOOD thing, right? "Scully? Are you okay? What happened? I heard you yell. Why didn't you come to the door? Is there someone in the hou--What happened to you?" his voiced was shaking and hoarse. She just stared at him. Then, painfully slowly, she looked down and took inventory of what she must look like. Hair -- slightly messy. Cake, cookie crumbs, and tuna on her face, hands, and shirt. Stomach -- swollen. She looked five months pregnant. She was sitting in her underwear. The kitchen was a wreck. The refrigerator door was standing wide open. There were crumbs and frosting all over the floor. The milk carton sat in the middle of the floor, opened. "Are you okay?" He took a few steps towards her and knelt in front of her, reaching out to touch her face. "STOP IT! DON'T! I'm FINE, Mulder. Just leave me alone. For once would you just leave me alone? You're always coming over whenever you want and everything has to be your way or the highway! Just fucking leave. Me. ALONE!!" He sat down completely then. Normally he would have felt like shit and left, wallowing in the guilt. Not tonight. He had things to say to her. His chest burned though. He couldn't believe Scully was talking to him this way. Even when they disagreed with each other, they had always treated each other respectfully. There was more hurt than he could put into words, he was stunned into silence. His chest burned so painfully that for a moment he thought for certain that he was having some sort of heart problem. Then he saw them, almost hidden, by the crumbs and other food around her mouth. But he saw the tears slipping down her cheeks. "Scully, what happened?" Silence. "Let me be here for you. Let me help you. What just happened?" Silence. "Are you okay?" "Get out." "Please, just hear me out. I know that this is not the way that I just imagined things would go, except for you being in your underwear," his attempt to throw a little humor in the situation fell flat, "but I love you, Scully. Dana. Please, tell me what happened." Hearing those words, her face crumpled up and she whispered out, "no" in the smallest, eeriest, horribly pained little girl voice he had ever heard. For Scully it was too much. All the food and then those words from him. Too much to handle. Had to get out. Had to get them out. "Mulder, you're right. Something's going on, let me clean up and I'll meet you down at the car, and we'll go somewhere and talk. I'll be down in just a couple of minutes," she said, lifting herself and then him up off of the floor. "Okay?" She began walking with him towards the door. He was so shocked by the abrupt change that she almost had him completely out of the door before he turned and saw her eyes had narrowed into small slits and her body just spewed hostility. He spun around and got out "Wait a minute." before she kicked him in the stomach, doubling him over and knocked him down. Then turned around and ran towards the back of the house. He was up on his feet again no more than fifteen seconds later, having laid there a couple of seconds wondering just what in the hell was going on, but she had already locked herself in the bathroom. "SCULLY!!! Get out here and talk to me, god dammit!!" He could hear choking sounds. He decided to just knock the door down. He began hitting it with his shoulder and then decided to just kick it in. As soon as it flew open, his heart sank. The sight that greeted him was almost too much for him to handle. His beloved. His Dana. His strong, capable Scully. She was crouched down in front of the toilet on her knees. Three fingers down her throat. The slow deliberate massage of the back of her throat. Once, twice, three times, ah, the fourth time, and here it all comes. She vomited forcefully into the toilet. It sprayed all over her hand as well. Gasping between bursts. She saw the rest of the tuna come up. Good. She jammed her fingers down her throat again and the vomit came immediately. The cookies and a little blood. "Shit," she thought, "scratched my throat again." "Stop it," he said, barely loud enough to be heard. He was in shock at the sight of her like this and his voice wasn't working quite right. She just shook her head sadly at him and stuffed her hand back into her mouth, though more carefully this time. The vomit already on her hand helping to bring the rest of her stomach contents up. The cake flew out her mouth. Mulder crossed to the toilet and put his hand on her back. "Dana, please. Stop. Please." His analytical mind knew. He cursed himself for not having read the signs earlier. "Scully, I can help you. It doesn't have to be like this. You CAN stop this. You can overcome this. Bulimia doesn't have to rule your life." She sat back on her heels, willing her breathing to slow down. She looked up at him, and managed to get out, "I'm not bulimic." "Scully. Look at yourself. This IS bulimia. This is it! You ARE bulimic. You need help." She began to shake. Every now and then, the trauma to her body was just too much and the shaking would come. Her medical background told her that her body was going into shock. "Help me," was all she was able to get out before the room started to close in on her and get black around the edges. Without a second thought to clothes, he grabbed her and stepped into the shower, turning on the cold water full force. It was enough to make her take in a huge breath, which in turn made her start gagging. Mulder stepped out of the tub long enough to get her her toothbrush with some toothpaste on it and stepped back in. This time minus his shoes and jacket. She had adjusted the water to warmer water and was standing there shaking violently and crying. He handed her the toothbrush. She gratefully accepted it from him and turned her back to him and began brushing her teeth. She let him snuggle up behind her and let him put his arms around her. After finishing, she turned to him and let him hold her. Finally, she managed to look up and saw that he was crying right along with her. Seeing her puzzled look he said, "I love you. It breaks my heart to see you like this." She managed to say "I love you too" before she began weeping again. "I j-j-just can't stop. I've tried to stop, but I c-can't. Help me, M-M-M- Mulder. Please. I need your help. I'm tired of running. I've been running from everything. Feeling, emotions, you." "Scully, I'd do anything for you. I will do everything you. We WILL get you help. There are many many women who have beaten this thing. We will do it too. It IS possible to beat it. Together. There's a good psychologist in the area that I know specializes in eating disorders. I'll call her. We will win, Scully. Me and you together. You don't have to do this alone." She just sighed and held him closer, drawing strength from him, while at the same time, although without realizing it, giving strength back to him. She believed for the first time in her adult life that there was hope for a better future. She could have a future apart from this. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Give me a moment Got to get this weight off my chest.. Find yourself another soul to hold Walk the path upon my journey I most go to where the river flows. Silence is beauty words they only complicate the task." --Where The River Flows, Collective Soul ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ March 8, 1998 Scully's Living Room 10:20 p.m. "Here you go, Scully, and don't give me any arguments about it." He handed her a cup of coffee and a piece of plain toast. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the couch next to him. "Thanks," she mumbled, not lifting her eyes off of the saucer. She took a sip of her coffee and left the bread on the coffee table untouched. "So....Are you going to tell me what happened? What's going on? I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. I've seen you getting sick and listened to you lie to me about having the flu or being sick and weakened from the chemo. I've let you yell and scream at me for nothing and I've let you walk all over me and treat me like shit. I've ignored my feelings for you for too long. I love you, and I want the truth from you, and I will accept nothing less. You also never told me about the rape. I think that may have something to do with this and I want the truth. Please." "I don't really know what to say." "I'm not going to judge you, Scully. I just need to know what's going on. I have to know that in order to help you. Please trust me. I won't hurt you." Her defenses were coming up strong. Walls. Bricks. Barbed wire. She could tell him anything right now and no matter what his reaction was, she would be able to laugh it off and handle it. She would be devastated later, after he had gone. She could deal with that. It was time for him to leave anyway. She had grown to love him. She trusted him and counted on him, it was time. She would tell him the truth and he would go running out the door so fast it would leave skid marks. She changed visibly right before his eyes. She had been sitting there on the couch with him. Scared. Ashamed. Depressed. Maybe a little hopeful that he could indeed help her. Then he saw barbed wire twisting around her at incredible speeds. Brick and mortar flying everywhere. All these walls she put up. "Get ready." She laughed as if she were talking about a good joke she'd heard. "This gets good, so maybe you'll want me to pop you some popcorn. Quite the little drama here." "I'm going to be here for you whether you like it or not. I'm not leaving. I'm not judging. I'm listening." She started to get visibly uncomfortable. He saw her squirm and pick up a pillow, holding on to it tightly as if it would protect her. "I love you, Scully. Why is that so hard for you to hear and accept?" She was quiet for a moment hoping that he would say something, anything, that she could use to distract him from the question. He said nothing. He just looked at her with soft eyes filled with love and waited. "Someone told me that once and he did nothing but hurt me," she said. Her voice was flat. "One night, almost Christmas, he came over and told me how much he loved me. How much he was there for me. How he was going to help me with my weight. He beat the shit out me, threw me in front of the toilet and ordered me to puke. When I said no, he decided I was out of line and he was going to teach me how to treat a man. So he beat the shit out me some more, forced his dick down my throat til he got off, then beat me some more and told me that he was about through with my quote fat ass anyway. I couldn't stand the thought of his....his...stuff being down my throat and I stuck my fingers down my throat for the first time and threw every trace of him up. I felt so incredibly in control. I decided then and there that I would control every single thing that ever went into my body again." Mulder was sitting there with his jaw twitching and tears streaming down his face. "We aren't all like that, you know. What happened to him? Did you call the police?" "The MPs were called. When they got to his house with my dad, they found Bill, Charlie, and three of my cousins there also. Ryan was in the hospital for two and half months. They weren't entirely sure that he was going to live. Bill can be pretty protective you know. He was the one that found me." "I think I like your brother after all." "Somewhere along the way though, I've gotten lost. I'm not in control anymore. I don't feel like I...." she searched for the right words to describe it, while Mulder sat there just waiting and listening, "...deserve.... to keep anything down." "Oh, Dana..." he reached across the couch and held her hand. "I will help you. We will get you some real help. It's going to be okay. I promise you. Can I ask you something?" She was already in shock that he hadn't gotten up and left. She was also wondering where the courage had come from to bare her soul to him. She couldn't believe her ears when she heard him ask her for permission to hug her. "Always." She crawled across the couch and melted into his arms. They sat together in each other's arms for what seemed like an eternity, only not long enough. Somehow she found herself wiping the tears off of his face as he was doing the same for her. She looked up at him and saw such tenderness and such love. She knew that again, he was getting too close. Her mind switched off and she turned on the auto-pilot. She was used to men looking at her like that. She was used to giving them what they wanted and watching as they walked away after they were satisfied. A few months after Ryan, she begun using sex, especially blow jobs to push men away, while using them at the same time. Using them to confirm that all she was good for was sex and that Ryan had been right. She was certain Mulder was the same. She leaned in a little and let her lips brush against his. It almost tickled, it was so light. But the electricity made it not ticklish, rather magnetic. She had to do it again, only harder this time. Heat. Saltiness. Softness. The stubble around his lips pushing against her face. She felt him moan. She knew she had him on the right path. She knew she could please a man very well. That was one thing about her "secret" that had become a blessing. She could give head, and deeply, without gagging. She knew what she was going to do for Mulder. She would let him satisfy himself with her and he would leave then. They would continue to work together acting as if nothing was different. Maybe every now and again he would come back for more of what she had to offer. She wanted to make this one last a little longer though. She kissed him again. More frantically this time. She had to taste him. She knew he was feeling the same way when she felt his tongue against her lips. So hot. It almost burned. She parted her lips for him and felt him plunge his tongue inside of her mouth. Tasting her. Tasting him. Teasing. Forward. Backward. Pulled back out. Pushed back in. Above. Below. To the side. She moaned loudly. She could feel herself moistening. Her heart was pounding inside of her breast. This was bliss. This was more than just pleasing the man. She was finding that he was pleasing her. His hands were rubbing her back and then holding her face in his hands. Holding the back of her neck to keep her mouth right there against his. She felt her body responding to the things he was doing, she was thrilled by his touches. He really knew how to please her. That was it. He was pleasing her. The thought crossed her head and she pulled back. *You don't deserve this. Just do your job!* She slid off of the couch and knelt in between his legs. He had changed into the spare set of sweats he left at her house in case of emergencies. She could see how apparent his desire was. She cupped him in her hand and started to pull his sweats down. "Stop." He grabbed her wrists. "What are you doing?" "Just relax. I know what to do to make you happy." "What? "I can give great head. I did learn a thing or two from my experience." " Who the hell are you and what have you done with my partner?" His tone was harsh and he looked more than just a little upset. "The Scully I know, and LOVE, is not like this." She just sat there utterly and completely confused. "Scully, what the hell are you doing?" "I thought you'd be pleased. I was just trying to make you feel good." "I don't want to just feel good. I want to take you on that journey right along with me and not after you've just told me about something like this. It just wouldn't be right with you in this state of mind and besides I'm not ready for that and I'm pretty damn sure neither are you." He lightened up his tone some. "We have plenty of time for that. Right now, I want you to know that I am not just interested in sex. I don't know what this other guy taught you about love, but when I say it I mean it. I love you. I will wait for you. Till you're comfortable. Till you are completely ready. Not when you just want to use sex to push me away. I'm not like that. I won't accept anything less than you, whole, and wanting to be with me, whole." She layed her head on his stomach and started sobbing. "It's okay, Dana. It's going to be okay. God knows I want you. It's not that, I just think we should take it a bit more slowly. Come here." He pulled her up on the couch with him and settled her in his arms. They layed there like that, little kisses here and there punctuated with a few long, slow, wet kisses. They finally settled down and communicated with their eyes. Hope. Trust. Fear. Encouragement. They were exhausted after the long and trying day and fell asleep, on her couch, in each other's arms. Both slept better than they had in years. Your Life's Songs 5/6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "There may come a time When you're tired As tired as a dream that wants to die And further to fly." --Further To Fly, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ October 20, 1998 Scully's Apartment They had been living together now for about seven months. Neither of them could be certain how it had happened and when, but eventually most of his stuff had ended up at her house. He still had his apartment, but he never stayed there. Never. Not even when they fought. But giving up his apartment would have been more of a commitment than either of them was willing to openly discuss. Not that they weren't willing to make the commitment, they each had such insecurities that they just never discussed it. For some reason it had become a taboo topic. They talked about their relationship, but never about his apartment. He was afraid if he brought it up that she would decide she really wanted him to move back to his place and she was afraid that if she brought it up, it would remind him that he had a choice in where to stay the night and he would leave. When they thought back on it, they would remember that first night when he stayed over. He had caught her that day and she had talked to him and they had slept together on the couch all night. After that night he had never left her. They would go off in their different directions at first, but when night rolled around he was there. Just holding her. They would laugh about the couch and the stiff necks they had woken up with. The next night they had slept in her bed and he woke up almost unable to walk. He never complained about it though. It was enough for him to be able to lay there with his love, and wrap his arms around her while she slept. Eventually they had gone together and picked out a bed. Three months after he had "moved in" with her they made love for the first time. They had been happily together after ever since. Then, last night he had brought up his apartment. His lease was up and he needed to sign a new one if he was going to keep it. He wasn't sure how she would react so he had hoped that wooing her off her feet would make her want to still have him there. He spent $390 on roses and $45 on candles. The house was ready when she came home. They made love on the floor in the living room, he gathered his courage and asked her if he could really move in, for real. She had sobbed in relief. They made plans for him to go pick up the few remaining items at his place the following Saturday morning. Saturday rolled around and he left early to get the moving out of the way so they could spend whatever was left of the day together. When he got to his apartment he ran into some of his old neighbors that he used to play basketball with. They talked him into playing one quick game and one game after that, and then one more to break the tie. He had quickly forgotten about the time and hadn't thought that the woman he had waiting at his new home, was uncertain that he was going to return. She had slept in a little. When she woke she ate her usual light breakfast and sat down at her computer to get some work done. *Shouldn't he be back by now?* She shook her head and resisted the urge to give into the thoughts in her head. She had been going to therapy and knew that she was capable of fighting it off. She finished the report that she needed for the Monday meeting with Skinner and checked her email. She decided to surf the Internet and went to her favorite fanfic site. She read a couple of Lois and Clark stories and downloaded a few more for reading later. She played an online game of Spades with her buddy Kim. She had known that Kim would be there. She was always there. Kim lived for Spades. And the telephone. They chatted on line for a while. It was much less expensive to talk to her online than on the telephone since Kim could talk her ear off and she lived in Colorado. No matter what their vows had been to keep the phone conversations short, when they did talk on the phone, they invariably ended up with phone bills in mid to high hundreds. Dana got up and fixed herself a tuna fish sandwich and a couple of carrots for lunch. *He should have been back hours ago. He's gone.* She tried to ignore the thoughts as she had done earlier. Hmm,* she thought, *I think I like this Russian Rye bread better than the Whole Wheat.* *Gone. Gone. Gone. He never cared for you. All you were was a piece of ass. He got what he wanted and now he's gone.* She was standing in front of her cupboards. He always kept two things in the house. Sunflower seeds and Doritos. *You knew he was too good for you.* She wasn't sure how, but the entire Super Size bag was empty and her hands were stained orange. She went to the refrigerator to fix herself a glass of iced tea. The chocolate strawberries were staring up at her begging to be tasted, nibbled, gobbled, devoured. *What made you think you could hang on to him? You're nothing. You can't control anything. Look at what you're doing right now.* She looked down to see the empty container she was holding. It had started out full. They had only eaten a couple before the lovemaking had taken over. *Go ahead. This hurts, huh? You thought he loved you. Eat something. You'll feel better. What's doing it this one time going to hurt?* She made sugar toast and finished off the loaf of bread. The salad that she had made to go with the manicotti last night was devoured next. She sat down at the table with the rest of the manicotti. She had made extra so that they would have leftovers. She jumped when the door opened and Mulder walked in, sweaty, holding his fish tank and a duffle bag full of odds and ends. He looked at her with the empty casserole dish in front of her, her fork held mid-way between her mouth and the dish. He looked into the kitchen quickly and saw that there were empty cartons and bags on the floor, empty containers on the counters. He softly sat the fishtank down on the floor, closed the door, and made his way towards her. His face was drawn tight and he looked serious. Seriously pissed off. "What's goin' on, Scully?" he asked evenly. She didn't say anything, just looked down in her lap. Her stomach was swollen. Even in her nightgown, which was actually one of his denim shirts, she could tell that she looked pregnant. "What're you doing?" he repeated quietly. "You were supposed to be here a long time ago, Mulder." she said. There was something in her voice that was a challenge. "Are you saying that this is my fault?" he asked very gently and calmly, sounding exactly like a psychiatrist. *Damn him and his stupid training,* she thought. "Quit talking to me like that." she snapped. "How am I talking to you?" "Quit it! I'm not some lunatic. And you are not my shrink. So just stop it." "Scully, you've fought really hard to overcome this. You have made tremendous progress. Why now? Are you stressed out about me moving in? What? Tell me what's going on. Talk to me." "Why?" "You know why." "Say it." She was getting hostile towards him. "Okay. Talk to me about what's going on and why you just sat here and ate practically everything we had in the house. You know as well as I do that I'm not going to let you purge. You also know that we can't afford to go through food like this." She began studying her hands. Her gaze was still directed at them when she whispered, "I thought you had decided to stay home." "Dana...why would I not want to come back? I have a beautiful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent, witty woman right here in front of me. This is home. This is where I want to be. I ran into some guys and we played a few games of b-ball. I'll be the first to admit that I was insensitive and that I should have called you to let you know what I was doing. But Scully, I can't live like this. I can't be worrying that if I miss a call, you'll start this up again. You have to trust me. You have to trust that I love you and that I'll always come back to you. For as long as you'll have me, okay?" "You should have called me though." "I know. I'm sorry." "Mulder?" "Yeah?" "I have to do it. I need to. I need to." "No." "You don't understand. I need to. I really ate too much and I'm going to get sick anyway. If I do it just this once, then I won't do it again, I just really need to this time." "I do understand. I understand that all this needing that you're feeling is your e.d. talking. You know that too. Remember what the therapist told us? That you would have times like this. That you would have relapses. The important thing is to accept them, and then move on. Don't give into them. Fight them off from wherever you are when you realize it. We both knew that it was going to be hard for you to quit." "Mulder, I've been fighting it all morning." The tears started slipping down her face. "I'm tired of fighting today." "I know, love. I know. But you can do this. You just have to push yourself a little longer. Remember what the therapist told us. The urge and desire to purge will pass. You can hang on. It's okay. Why don't we go sit on the couch? We can think of ways to pass the time. Or we can go on a walk. No, wait. I have an idea. Let's take a drive to your mom's house. How's that sound?" "It sounds like it is not what I want to do, but it's a good alternative. I'll call her. Let's go quickly before I change my mind." "Okay, let's go get your sweats. You can wear that shirt and we can be on the road in less than a minute. Bring you slippers. She'll understand. You can talk to her too, okay?" "Okay. Thanks. I love you." "Okay. I'm proud of you. You are so strong. You're doing great. And I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone." He leaned across the table and kissed her. She pulled back to look him in the eyes and say, "You're still in trouble for not calling." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "I seem to recognize your face haunting, familiar, yet I can't seem to place it cannot find a candle of thought to light your name..." --Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ December 2, 1999 9:45 p.m. Murray, Utah "What are we looking for again?" "A pregnancy test. Pick one, any one." "Why don't you just let me do a blood test. It will be much more accurate." He leaned in close to her and whispered in her ear, "Call me a romantic. I want to be there watching the color change, or the plus thingie, or the line, or whatever. I want to watch." "Mulder, the chance that I'm even pregnant is so slim. You were the one that talked to Kurt Crawford, remember? Why do you think that this is even possible?" "Here, pick that one. It's the most expensive, so it must be the most accurate. Because, you skipped your period. We've been living together for how long now? Almost two years? Believe it or not, I noticed." He got a bit of a sheepish grin on his face. "I do notice when we have sex every month except for five days, and then when we keep having sex every day for a month and a half." She grinned up at him. "You." "That guy over there is starting to really irk me. This is supposed to be our little private time together, pickin' out our test. He'd better start stockin' those shelves again, before I open a can o' whoop ass on him." Scully looked over at the stocker that Mulder was talking about. He was openly staring at them. She turned back to Mulder. "I know that man." Mulder looked back at the man and then back at her. "From where? I thought you'd never been to this part of Utah?" "I don't know. I've seen him somewhere before. I can't place it though. Maybe he moved here from somewhere else." "Well anyway, I say we pick the expensive one." "Fine. Let 's pay and get back to the motel. I want to just hurry up and do this and get to bed, if ya know what I mean." They walked up to the counter. The stocker straightened up and came towards the counter. "I'm gonna go across the street and pick up some food. I'll meet you back at the car," he said. "Is there anything that you want in particular? Anything you're.......craving?" "Mulder. Go." He laughed, kissed her quickly on the forehead and left. The checker moved around the counter and took the box from her hand. He scanned it, and placed it in the bag. "That will be $13.98....Dana." She had been digging into her purse looking for her money when she stopped. Goose bumps raised on her arms and the hair on her neck stood on end. She felt her heart start pounding in her chest and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Her chest was heaving with the rapid breaths that seemed to be all she was capable of. She slowly raised her eyes up until she saw the name tag the clerk wore. "Ryan" She raised her eyes up until she was looking into his face. He was much older looking than he actually was. It looked as if life had been hard for him. "I've been trying to find where you were." "Oh God." She felt herself panicking. She took several steps backwards, walking into a display of canned goods. She tripped over them and they fell on her, burying her under them. Ryan quickly ran around the counter and started taking cans off of her. She had a bloody nose and he was sure she was going to have bruises and bumps all over her body due to the sheer height of the cans that had been on display. "Dana....Dana" he very lightly tapped the side of her face, trying to help her regain consciousness. "Dana." She felt the tap on her face and was certain that he was going to kill her this time. "GET AWAY!! GET AWAY FROM ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! MULLLLDER!" "Dana, wait. No. Let me help you up." "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" she screamed. She backed up some more. She was knocking groceries off the display shelves as she was shaking and backing away from him. "Please believe me. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to touch you. I just wanted to find you to tell you that I'm sorry." "What?" "I know that I was horrible to you. I understand that now. I wanted to apologize to you. I was wrong. I'm sorry." "You're sorry? You're sorry?! Do you have any IDEA what you did to me?! You're sorry? FUCK YOU!!!" "I know I deserve that. I don't deny that. I've changed. I've turned my life over to God. I've found a new way of living. I have quit drinking and using drugs. I spent time in prison where I learned about God. I'm a very different person now. Can you ever forgive me?" "I want you to step back away from me and leave me alone right now." She had drawn her weapon and had it pointed at his head. He stepped back away from her and raised his hands up in front of his chest, palms facing her to show her he meant her no harm. "I'm not going to hurt you." Mulder had finished ordering and gathering their take-out. He was headed towards the car when he saw people running screaming out of the store. The food was forgotten on the bench outside the restaurant as he drew his weapon, ready to see if his wife was in some kind of trouble and needed some help. He found her, looking beat up with her weapon drawn at the clerk. He immediately asked her what was going on. Ryan stood shaking between the two agents with their weapons pointed at him. "Mulder, meet.......Ryan." Mulder's jaw began to twitch. It took all of his self control not to pull the trigger. He knew that his wife was safe now, with him at her side, but still, right here before him was the sorry bastard that had caused his beautiful wife so much grief and anguish. This man before him had made his wife doubt that she was worthwhile human being. This man before him had raped his wife. It was just a little more than he could deal with. He put his weapon down on the floor and tackled the man. "Hey, hey, hey. I said I was sorry. I just wanted to apologize to her for what I had done before. It's not my fault she's bleeding. She backed into the display and it fell on her." "You sorry son of a bitch! I oughtta kill you right here and now! You'd better be thanking your lucky stars that I'm an officer of the law, or I'd kill you right now. How dare you go around hitting women. So help me God, how dare you rape them!" He was growling these words at the man as they lay on the ground. Mulder was on top of him with one hand on his throat and one grabbing the man's shirt collar. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to live with that every day of my life. I'm so sorry. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry." He had begun to sob. Mulder sat back, looked at him and then looked up at his wife. She had her weapon still pointed at him. Her hands were shaking so badly though that Mulder doubted she'd hit either one of them if she decided to fire. Knowing his wife was in no physical danger at the moment, he got up off of the ground and walked slowly towards her. "Scully? It's okay. It's okay. I'm here with you. He's not going to hurt you this time. It's okay. Why don't you put your gun down? You're okay. Everything is different this time. I don't think he wants to hurt you." Scully looked at her husband. The one man she would trust forever and would follow into the bowels of hell. He was telling her that everything was okay and that this was different. And to give up her control of the situation. "No, Mulder." "Da...." hadn't she said that Ryan called her Dana always? "Scully.....it's okay. Put your gun down. It's okay. Look at your hands. You're shaking. It's okay. Put down the gun. In fact, honey, why don't you just hand the gun over to me?" "Mulder?" she was getting a little confused. All the stress from the night was catching up. Mulder hadn't realized how deep the trauma went until now. He knew that it had been a main factor in her eating disorder and he knew that she still had nightmares at times. He knew that she always had to be on top, no matter what, when they made love, so that she was in control, but he didn't know that it was still raw enough to terrify her. "Scully. You trust me, right? I'll protect you. I'll make sure that you'll be okay. Scully? Right? You'll be okay, huh? Give me the gun, honey. Give me the gun. That's right. That's right. It's okay. You're doing great. That's it. Thank you." His voice had been so soft and soothing to her. She did trust Mulder. She gave him her weapon. It was so hard for her to give up her control, but she did trust Mulder and she knew that he wouldn't tell her to give up her weapon if she was still in danger. She gave him the gun, but then fell into his waiting arms, sobbing. "Let's go back to the motel, okay?" he said to her. They walked arm in arm out of the store, Mulder stopping only long enough to pick up his weapon and the bag that was still on the counter. Scully made him stop and drop $15 on the counter as she hadn't actually paid for the item before. Ryan just sat on the floor, never feeling sorry for himself. Knowing that the two had been justified and merciful with him. He bowed his head and silently cried, regretting the past that he was trying so hard to forgive himself for. "Dear God, please keep them safe. Please let her forgive me." Your Life's Songs 6/6 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "you wouldn't recall for I'm not my former... I just want to scream HELLO by god, it's been so long never dreamed you'd return but now here you are and here I am hearts and thoughts they fade away..." --Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town, Pearl Jam ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ December 5, 1999 Murray, Utah Dana walked towards the front doors of the small store. Mulder was waiting for her in the car. He had wanted to come in with her, but they had talked about it for what seemed like hours when he finally agreed that this was something she had to do alone. That was part of it, that she do it alone. She walked through the doors, took a deep breath and started looking for Ryan. When she found him, again stocking shelves, she straightened her back, took a deep breath and walked towards him. "Ryan." "Dana." "I need to talk to you. I need to get some closure to this so I can move on with my life." "I can take a break now. Let me go tell my manager and we can talk right outside the front door. Is your.....friend here with you?" He looked around anxiously hoping to avoid a repeat of the last time. "No. He's waiting for me in the car. He's my husband." Ryan smiled. "Good for you. Congratulations." Ryan went and told his manager that he was taking a break and walked with Scully out the doors of the store. He leaned back against the wall, while she stood rigidly off to the side of him, facing him. "I meant what I said the other day. I am sorry. I know I was wrong to treat you that way. I have turned my life over to God and I will never treat another person the way I treated you. I regret my actions every day of my life. And I will until the day I die." Scully just looked at him. Her face was completely expressionless. She was wondering what she was going to say to him. She knew what she had rehearsed with Mulder, but somehow it just wasn't right and she was wondering what now. "You ruined many many years of my life," she said evenly. "I was scared of my shadow. Constantly looking over my shoulder, fearing you'd come back. I threw up at least once a day, because of you." "I'm sorry. I never stopped to think about anyone else during those years. I used to drink a lot when we were younger. I go to AA meetings now. That's part of my recovery, to right past wrongs. Well, to ask for forgiveness anyway, and to apologize. I just keep wishing I could fix it. Take it back, you know." "Have you gone to counseling?" "Yes. As a matter of fact, I am engaged to a woman that is a psychiatrist. She was good friends with my therapist. We met at a gathering. But yes, I have sought counseling. The biggest change though was when I turned my life over to God. I couldn't have quit anything or changed at all, had it not been for Him." "Ryan, I know this sounds cold, but I don't want to hear about you having a relationship with God. I don't think you deserve it." "I know that I should expect and accept that, but I don't. I'll pray that you will change your mind and forgive me." "I just wanted to let you know that I have changed too. I am a strong woman now. In fact, I work for the FBI. Things are good in my life. I have overcome my eating disorder. I'm pregnant. I have a wonderful husband. Things are good for me and no matter how you remember me and what you did to me, the fact is, I'm not that girl anymore anyway. You can ask that girl to forgive you, and I'm sure she would do the "Christian thing" and forgive you. But don't ask me. I'm a stronger person, and I wouldn't put up with your shit for two seconds. But the greatest thing of all, is that you have no power over me at all. There was a time, long ago, when you did, but not now. My past has faded and the important part is the now. I suggest you try the same thing. Forget the past. Live for the now, and be a better person." She turned from him and walked over to the parking lot, climbing into the car that Mulder was waiting in. He reached over and grabbed her hand and gave her a squeeze. She looked up and smiled at him and said, "Okay. I'm ready to go now." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "For the life of me I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshman." --The Freshman, The Verve Pipe ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ February 15, 2000 1:20 p.m. Washington, D.C. "Shwoopy, it's Red. How's it going?" "Hey! How ARE you? I'm great. What's up?" "Well for starters, are you ready for this? We're going to have a baby." "OH MY GOD! AAAAHHHH! Congratulations!!!" "Thanks," she laughed into the mouthpiece. "Well, when, what 's going on? What is it? How far along are you. Give up the details. Pronto." Scully gave her best friend all the juicy details and shared her happiness. They talked for a while which eventually turned back to high school. "I ran into Ryan a couple of months ago." "Oh?" Katie asked, scared for her friend. "He was working in a small town in Utah at a little corner grocery store. That was where Mulder and I were buying the test. I freaked out, Kate. It was ugly." "And what happened?" "Well Mulder started to beat the crap out of him, but thought about his career and stopped. He...helped me to be able to walk away. It sparked a lot of memories though and we talked all night long and through most of the next day." "And?" "And I can't believe that I would let that control my life. I've done so much working for the FBI and I've had so much happen to me. I can't believe I was willing to go to such lengths for what? It scared me when I thought about how close to death I had come over something so damn stupid. Here I am with a life growing inside of me and my perspective on life is completely different than it was when I was a freshman. I wouldn't dare put up with that now. Not at all. It never would have escalated to the point that it did." "Aaaahhhhh, and the pregnancy hormones kick in. Guess what? You're going to be doing a lot of soul searching for the next few months. And as far as Ryan goes, we were so young then, Dana. You put up with his treating you like shit. I didn't tell anyone that he was treating you like shit. Kim and Kara accepted that you would basically be happier spending your time with him than them. None of us knew what to do back then. You can't blame yourself for being young and innocent. Just be glad that you've changed. And about your eating disorder, you didn't know how to cope. You were fighting for survival, Dana. The fact that you did survive shows you that it served it's purpose for you. It helped you to survive. I just wish that I could have done things differently myself. I would have told your brothers long before that day. I would have helped you get into therapy. I would have given you better tools to use for survival to replace those harmful ones. We were so young, though." "I know. So are you going to come over for dinner tonight? Bring Scott and the kids. I'm going to call Kim and Kara tonight and tell them the news, so if you come over early enough, we can do it on the speaker phone and we'll all get a chance to talk together." "That sounds like so much fun. Of course I'll be there. My last patient in scheduled for 2:45 so just tell me when you want me there and we'll be there." They set the time and hung up, excited about the phone call, when they could all be together again. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Never been lonely never been lied to never had to scuffle in fear nothing denied to born at the instant the church bells chimed and the whole world whispering born at the right time." --Born At The Right Time, Paul Simon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Mulder! You have here a very healthy baby..."