From: Ellen Rodgers <aureliabluesea@yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 6 May 2005 21:02:22 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: And if You Turn to Me by EHR
Source: direct

Title: And if You Turn to Me
Author: EHR
E-mail: aureliabluesea@yahoo.com
Distribute: anywhere, let me know
Rating: R
Categories: SRA, MSR
Keywords: Mulder/Scully romance
Spoilers: Arcadia, sort of general Diana
Summary: Someone from Scully?s past returns and Mulder 
helps her get over it.  Which means they have sex (although 
no smut scene, sorry)
Disclaimer: not mine

Author?s notes: I?ve written fanfic for years but I haven?t 
posted for a long time (I used to post stories under 
another pseudonym that are truly embarrassing). Anyway, 
I?ve been inspired by some of the great (and terrible) 
writers out there to get back in the game.  Feedback is 
appreciated!

And if you turn to me
like a gull takes to the wind
--The Shins

And if You Turn to Me


?Scully, have you ever been close to getting married?? 

We?ve only been back from the Falls at Arcadia for a day.  	

She looks up at me warily, thinking I?m antagonizing her 
again, like I did the whole time we were there.

?Yes,? is all she says.  Then she turns back to her 
computer, effectively ending the conversation.  

Aha! I was right.  I give myself a moment to gloat in my 
victory of figuring out what the hell Scully?s problem was 
in Arcadia.  She hasn?t been happy with me lately, and I 
figured her coldness and unwillingness to touch me was a 
punishment for Diana.  

On the plane ride back, though, it occurred to me that 
maybe it wasn?t about me.  I know she hasn?t been married 
before; I?ve checked her files.  So who was this guy and 
what the hell happened?
	
Of course, I think about this mystery engagement long after 
she leaves for the day.  

****
	
?You know, Mulder, I could be living the high life over at 
Quantico right now, and instead I?m here with you, 
debunking your werewolf stories,? she says as we walk into 
the office after an afternoon autopsy the next day.  
	
But her words aren?t tinged with the bitterness that has 
laced her tone for the past few months, and we?re joking 
and doing this flirting thing that?s new, so I don?t take 
offense.  

Besides, ?I rescued you from teaching.  And you?re welcome, 
by the way,? I say back.
	
The phone rings. She looks up at me, amused, before 
grabbing the phone.
	
Immediately, she tenses. Her hand grips the edge of the 
desk.
	
?How did you get this number??  Then, ?I told you not to 
call my mother again,? she hisses.  The anger leaves her as 
she listens, turns to something like resignation.  ?Joshua, 
I can?t give you money if that?s what this is about.?  A 
sarcastic laugh.  ?Oh, really? I?ve heard that one before.?  
A sigh.  ?Okay, fine.  Yeah.  I?ll call you when I get 
there.?
	
I shake my head to clear it as she hangs up the phone.  
I?ve just witnessed Scully run the gamut of human emotions 
in the space of a five minute phone call.  
	
Every emotion except happiness, that is.  

?Scully,who?? I start.  

She is distracted and continues like she can?t hear me.  
?Mulder, why did you ask me about Joshua yesterday??
	
It takes me a minute to realize what she?s talking about.  

Then I get it.  That was the ex on the phone.  I had 
assumed the ex would be Jack or Daniel, not some other 
serious relationship that I didn?t know about.  Before I 
can joke about how spooky it is that I brought it up 
yesterday, she?s gathering her things.    
	
As she walks out the door, I get it that we?re not doing 
the flirting thing anymore today.  It?s like she?s not 
herself anymore, like she?s back in some past life that I 
know nothing about.
	
She pops her head back in the door, remembering me as an 
afterthought.  

?I?ll call you later,? she says before leaving again.  
	
I let her go, but a general unease settles over me.  I toss 
pencils for another two hours before going home.

****

It is 1 a.m. before I hear from her.  I have picked up my 
phone and dropped it again like clockwork every half hour 
since 8, wanting to call her but deciding she?ll hate it 
that I?m checking up on her.  	
	
I know I?m an asshole for thinking it, but there?s only one 
place I want my partner to be at 1 in the morning, and 
that?s home safe.  She definitely should not be more than a 
little drunk in some seedy bar twenty minutes from her 
house. 
	
I quickly scan the crowd for her when I enter.  I expect 
her to be sitting at the bar or at one of the cheap we-
have-to-have-them-for-the-health-inspectors tables shoved 
against the wall.  Instead, she?s out on the dance floor, 
dancing a little too close to some guy for my comfort.
	
Suddenly, I realize she?s dancing with the ex.  
	
I find her jacket around the back of one of those tables, 
and I sit in her seat and watch them dance.  They are 
close, but he wants to be closer.  She gently rebuffs him 
and keeps her space.

I can?t help but wonder if she brought me here as 
punishment for Diana, if she just wants me to see her be 
with someone else.  If she is, it?s working.  After all 
these years, the idea of her touching another man leaves me 
cold.

I don?t have a complete profile of him done because she 
spots me after only a moment.  So far, all I?ve decided is 
that he?s an inch shorter than me (and still a foot taller 
than her) and definitely handsome. 
        
Immediately when she sees me, she leaves him behind and 
makes a beeline for me.  Don?t think that doesn?t give me 
an ego rush.  When Scully?s drunk, she still manages to be 
graceful.  In fact, she?s more careful than usual, so she 
doesn?t trip over the other drunk dancers on the floor who 
suddenly switch positions in her path.  

Not that it happens a lot, but it?s not unusual for her to 
call me after she?s been drinking and it?s not unusual for 
her to use the alcohol as an excuse to flirt with me a 
little, but she has never plopped herself down on my lap 
before.  

The guy (I guess I should call him Joshua) takes longer 
than she does to snake through the crowd, so I have a 
minute alone with her.  I?m never prepared for the best 
moments between us, so the long and easy look we share is a 
surprise.
       
But then Joshua is upon us.  We both expect her to do 
something; this is Scully?s show now.  I fight to keep my 
hands from encircling her waist.  Staking my claim, if you 
will.  I wonder how she?d react.   
       
I don?t get to find out.  ?Dana, I?m gonna go,? he says, 
bending down so she?ll hear him.  Apparently he doesn?t 
want to meet me.  
       
She nods and rises from my lap.  We?ve never been that way 
before but as soon as she leaves I miss it, if that makes 
any sense.  
       
?Do you need money for a cab?? she asks, bending next to me 
towards her purse.  Isn?t he supposed to be asking her 
that? I wonder. 
       
He shakes his head no.  ?Walk me out?? he says. As she 
walks out, she twists back to me and holds up a finger, 
asking me to wait.  I almost laugh.  Where the hell else am 
I going? It takes willpower not to follow them outside.  If 
there?s any evidence of her kissing him, I don?t care if 
it?s goodnight or goodbye or whatever, I?m going to be 
pissed.  I didn?t get off my couch in the middle of the 
night to watch Scully get it on with some old boyfriend.
       
I survey the table.  Strangely, his side just has one 
glass.  I can?t help it; I sniff it. Ginger ale.  He wasn?t 
drinking.  Scully was, though; a lot, apparently, by the 
myriad shot glasses and regular sized glasses dotting her 
half of the table.  I know from experience that when she 
drinks, she doesn?t fuck around with beer or fruity drinks.  
It?s vodka or whisky or anything straight up.  
       
She comes back in alone and resumes her place on my lap.  
Her face is closed off; I can?t read what she?s feeling 
right now.  Is she upset that he?s gone?  But then why is 
she on my lap?
       
?So, which one of us were you trying to make jealous?? I 
ask low in her ear, resting my hands on her hips.
       
I never forget that Scully?s a woman, don?t get me wrong, 
but sometimes I let who we are prevent her from being 
anything other than my partner.  When she turns to me, 
though, with a look that?s pure sex, I remember.  
       
She smirks.  I realize she?s not as drunk as she?s letting 
on.  I think she?s leaning in to kiss me, but instead she 
goes for my ear. 
       
?Dance with me,? she says.  
       
Scully doesn?t realize that she could rule the world with 
that look and that whisper.  My legs are already jelly, but 
I manage to take her outstretched hand and let her lead me 
back to the dance floor.
       
I?m not going to lie; I could use a drink right now myself.  
	
We have done this before, this drunken dancing in various 
seedy bars.  Usually it?s after something tragic happens 
and we just need each other.  But it always stays in the 
bar.  
	
The music turns slow and I pull her tight to me.  I was 
going to hang back, make her come to me after that little 
display with Joshua, but I can?t help it.  I have to see 
her face.  I lift her chin?and suddenly we?re kissing.
       
Okay, I?ll come clean.  We?ve also done the drunken kissing 
thing before.  It?s something that we?ve certainly never 
spoken of after one of us comes to our senses and pulls 
away.
       
I can?t really hear her over the music, but when she 
eventually breaks the kiss I can tell her mouth is saying 
?Let?s go.?
       
I?m glad I?m not the only one who?s discombobulated after 
the kiss.  She stumbles back.  I remember that she?s been 
drinking and I don?t want her to think I?m taking advantage 
of her.  I catch her and lead her to get her coat from the 
table.  
       
Outside, she lights a cigarette.  ?Sorry,? she says 
apologetically, glancing at me.  I shake my head. I don?t 
mind.  She can?t taste bad to me.  Not that, if the pattern 
holds, there?ll be anymore kissing tonight.
       
She smokes it to the filter before tossing it down to the 
ground, shivering in the chilly night air.  I take this as 
my cue and put my arm around her shoulder.  
       
Scully answers this by leaning into me and putting her own 
arm around my waist.  This is unusual; she?s not easy with 
touches.  It?s why a hug or a kiss on the forehead has 
meant so much coming from her throughout the years.  I 
suddenly realize that she?s been almost clingy with me 
since I got to the bar.  Why?
       
?Scully, why did you call me tonight?? I ask.  It seems 
like a stupid question, but she could have gotten a ride 
home with Joshua.  Why does she want me?
       
She thinks about her answer before she gives it.  I know 
she?s sobered up by now.

?Ever since Joshua, I need to feel safe when I?m drinking,? 
she says in a small voice, head down.
       
My first reaction should have been, what did that bastard 
do to you? Instead, an overwhelming protectiveness washes 
over me.  She wanted to feel safe and so she called me.  I 
pull her in for a shoulder hug and am bending down to kiss 
her head when? she turns her face up and catches me in a 
surprise kiss.
       
It takes me a minute to realize that we?re at the car, and 
we?re both relatively sober and outside and we?re kissing.  
And this is not the long and slow kisses of inside the bar, 
either, these are hungry.  I pick her up and set her on the 
car hood.  I have to be closer to her; I have to understand 
what she wants from me.  And then her legs are wrapped 
around my waist and I get it.   

****

Later, as she?s sleeping beside me, I can?t help but be 
glad that my place was closer.  Now she?s wearing my gray 
T-shirt that I wore to the bar.  It smells like smoke and 
music and us? I hope she steals this shirt because I want 
to see her in it again.
	
Will there be an again?  God I hope so.  Knowing us, we?ll 
fuck it up.  I decide to stay up all night and enjoy it.
	
?Mulder, stop psychoanalyzing this,? she says sleepily, 
opening an eye.
	
I laugh, delighted that she still surprises me, and pull 
her to me.  And damn it, I do fall asleep.

****

I?ve imagined many different scenarios for what happens 
when Scully wakes up in my bed.  I can picture her smiling 
at me, or even jumping up and realizing she?s made the 
biggest mistake of her life.

Waking up to her screaming her ex-fiance?s name hasn?t been 
in the plan.
	
?No, Joshua,? she?s saying in her sleep, twisting and 
frantic.
	
?Scully, it?s okay,? I try to tell her, shaking her.	
	
She starts fighting me, not knowing who I am.  I realize I 
should have gotten more details about this guy.
	
?Scully, wake up,? I try again, this time letting her out 
of my arms and not touching her.  
	
Finally, she scrambles into a sitting position and draws 
her knees to her chest.  After a moment, I reach a hand out 
to try and touch her.  I see the struggle on her face to 
avoid offending me and still protect herself.  I let my 
hand drop to the bed.  
	
?I think it?s time for you to tell me the truth about 
Joshua,? I say gently.  
	
She nods and tries to make an effort to relax.
	
?What do you want to know?? she asks cautiously, as if to 
avoiding divulging unnecessary information.
	
?Anything, Scully,? I say, exasperated.  ?Who he is, where 
you met him, why you broke up, why seeing him gives you 
nightmares, why you don?t trust him when you?ve been 
drinking.? 
	
?Okay.?  She takes a deep breath.  ?I met him my sophomore 
year of college.  We went to the same bars, had some of the 
same friends.  He was a guitar player in a band, so I 
figured his drinking was part of the deal.  I didn?t see it 
as a problem until a few years later when I had sort of 
outgrown the bar scene and he was still there every night.  
But by then we were engaged and I felt stuck.?
	
I wish I could have known the younger Scully, who dated 
guitar players and went to bars.  I wonder what the hell 
happened.
	
?What did your parents think of him?? I interrupt.
	
She smiles.  ?They hated him.  Absolutely hated him.  That 
was part of the appeal.  But then, when we started having 
problems, I felt like I couldn?t talk to anyone in my 
family about it because they hated him anyway.  Joshua and 
I started to fight about his drinking and money and all 
that shit, so we broke up.?
	
?That?s it?? I ask disbelievingly.  I can understand why 
she?d break up with a loser like that, but why the 
nightmares? 
	
?He called me yesterday because he?s going through the 
twelve steps and he wanted to make amends.?
	
?So you met him in a bar??	
	
She laughs.  ?Joshua wanted to prove that he doesn?t drink 
anymore.  And I needed a few drinks if I was going to 
confront him again.?
	
I know this isn?t the whole story.  ?What exactly was he 
making amends for?? I ask carefully.
	
She looks at me, a flash of anger in her eyes.  She knows 
I?m not going to let it go.
	
?Look, as things went on, he wasn?t a good guy when he 
drank.  And when I broke it off, things got out of control.  
It was really hard for me and I couldn?t talk to anybody 
about it and he knew it.  So he wanted to apologize for 
ruining my life.?
	
?Ruining your life?? I ask, mostly to myself.
	
?His words.  I became a different person.  But if I hadn?t 
changed, I wouldn?t have met you so I guess it wasn?t a 
total loss.?
	
She wants to sidetrack me by focusing on us.  ?Scully, what 
do you mean he wasn?t a good guy when he drank??
	
She?s angry.  ?It?s none of your?? but I stop her.
	
?Just tell me the truth!? I finally yell.  
	
Her eyes grow cold.  ?One night when he was drunk, he raped 
me, Mulder.  So I left him.?
       
And then I lose it.  ?Why didn?t you tell me?? I ask, 
springing up from the bed.  I can?t think beyond this rage 
that?s burning me.  
	
She?s gone inside herself and doesn?t answer.  ?Scully, I 
was standing two feet from the man who raped you and you 
didn?t tell me so I could kill him?? 
	
I know I need to stop.  This isn?t about me and my anger, 
it?s about her.  I just can?t believe it, though.  I want 
him dead.  In all the years of danger she?s been in, I?ve 
never had quite this feeling of protectiveness.  The Donnie 
Pfaster incident comes close to this.
	
?I think I?m gonna go,? she says, getting up from what will 
always be her side of the bed now.  She throws her skirt on 
and tucks my shirt into it.
	
?Don?t go,? I say, grabbing her arm as she tries to leave 
the bedroom.
	
?Please don?t touch me,? she answers, voice too calm and 
quiet for the storm that I know has to be raging inside of 
her.  This is what she had to do, I?m assuming.  She didn?t 
feel like she could tell anyone when it happened, so she 
had to lock it away.  And now she?s doing it again.
	
I have no choice. I let her go.  I let her walk out of my 
apartment, not sure if I?ll ever see her again.

****

I give her an hour, figuring she?ll need time to herself.  
I can?t wait any longer than that.  She doesn?t answer her 
cell or at her apartment.  I go over; she?s not there.  I 
wait awhile, but she doesn?t return.  I drive her running 
route, even all the way to her mother?s house but her car?s 
not there.  I call hospitals, the office, the airport, the 
train station, even the bar.  No one has seen her.  
       
This is it.  I?m too late.  
	
I try her cell again?and finally it?s on and she answers. 	
       
?Where are you?? I ask, trying not to sound desperate.  
She?s going to say she?s on a plane to the other side of 
the world and she never wants to see me again, I just know 
it.
	
And then I get that feeling in my stomach when she answers, 
?In your bed.?  I think it?s love.

****

She lays there like nothing has happened, back in just my 
T-shirt.  She is on her side in the middle of the bed, 
somehow with all the pillows either under her head or 
between her legs or clutched tightly to her chest.  She?s 
holding her phone like she was waiting for me to call.  
	
I almost don?t want to say anything.  I?m afraid she?ll 
disappear.  I just want her to stay.  
	  
I sit gingerly on the edge of the bed, not wanting to 
startle her again.
	
Her voice is rough from the smoke last night and possibly 
tears today.  She doesn?t look at me, but I can tell 
something from the way she clutches the pillow tightly to 
herself.  ?I?ve always run, Mulder.  I think?I think with 
Joshua I had to run away.  Maybe with some of the others 
too, I don?t know.  But I want you to know that I?ve never 
come back before today, and maybe that doesn?t mean 
anything to you.  It does to me.?
	
I can?t help but invade her pillow fortress and touch her 
then.  I hold her.  ?It does to me, too,? I say.  
	
I?m afraid she?ll get angry, but I have to tell her.  
?Scully, this is what I should have told you this morning.  
I?m sorry he hurt you.  I will never hurt you.  And I?ll 
kill him if you want me to,? I say calmly, although she 
tenses in my arms.
	
It takes me a minute to realize her shoulders are heaving 
because she?s crying.  She turns to look at me and says, 
?Thank you.? I hold her and she gives herself time to just 
be comforted, which I don?t think she has ever allowed 
herself to do.
	
I?m tempting fate again, but I have to ask.  ?Scully, why 
would you want to see him again??
	
I?m ready for her to tense or pull away, but she doesn?t.  
Instead, she nods.  ?Yeah, I was wondering that, too.  The 
thing is, I loved Joshua.  He was my best friend.  Even 
after he hurt me, it was still hard for me to believe that 
he was a monster.  After I broke it off, I refused to see 
him again.  He?d call sometimes and ask for money, or tell 
me he got clean, but I never really let him go.?
	
Now I try not to tense.  She can tell me that now he builds 
homes for Guatemalan orphans, but to me he?ll never be more 
than an abusive rapist who deserves to die.  
	
?After seeing him, what do you think??  
	
I sincerely hope she?s forgiven him for her sake.  But I 
hope she doesn?t want him in her life now.  I don?t want to 
say it because I?m not sure Scully wants to explore it, but 
I?m not convinced that all his problems are just because he 
drank.  
	
Scully lets out a breath.  ?It seems like he?s done a lot 
for himself and he?s a totally different person than when I 
saw him last.  It?s too late for us to have any kind of 
relationship, though.  It was important to me to hear him 
apologize, but some things you can?t make up for.  And I 
don?t think I?ll ever really feel safe around him again.?

After that we?re quiet.  My mind is spinning with 
everything I?ve learned about Scully today.  I know from 
some of her past relationships that she maybe doesn?t have 
the best taste in men, but it hasn?t ever occurred to me 
that she could have been abused.
 
And I can?t help but wonder what it means that she?s with 
me now.  Am I another one of the controlling men in her 
life?  

Hell, *is* she with me now?  Or was this just a one-time 
thing?  I wouldn?t blame her if she broke my heart after 
what happened with Diana.

?Scully?? I start.  ?I have to ask.  What about us??

She pulls away and my heart sinks.  
 
?What do you mean, what about us??

?I mean, was last night about Joshua??

I hope she knows how hard it is for me to ask that 
question.

She raises her eyebrows and I startle when her lips quirk 
into a smile.  ?Mulder, sometimes you?re just ridiculous,? 
she says, laughing.

I?m glad she?s not pissed, but laughter?

?I thought I was going to be the one in denial about us,? 
Scully chokes out, hand pressed to her chest.

I can?t help but start to smile along with her.  I hold 
back actual laughter, though; I need some sort of 
reassurance from her.  

Scully gets it, like she gets me.  

?Mulder, last night was about us and you know it.  For 
years, we?ve been headed here.?

I want the words.  ?Where exactly are we, Scully??

This invites a fresh burst of laughs.  ?If there?s anything 
last night taught me, it?s that I have absolutely no idea 
where we are or where I am.  But I do know that I love you, 
for what that?s worth.?  She realizes what she?s said and 
self consciously tucks her hair behind her ear.

I capture that hand and kiss it, and then pull her to me.

?It?s worth a lot,? I tell her, kissing her.  I want to 
tell her I?m sorry about Diana and I?m sorry about the 
Falls at Arcadia, but maybe now isn?t the right time.  
Today she?s tired and I just want her; it?s not the time to 
dissect our relationship.

?And?? she says teasingly, pulling back.

?And I love you,? I say, and laugh.  
	
End

Please send feedback to aureliabluesea@yahoo.com