From: Donna Honeycutt <donnah@donnas-stories.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2007 17:50:16 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Depths of Feeling
Source: direct

Reply To: donnah@donnas-stories.com

Title - Depths of Feeling
Author - donnah
Email address - donnah@donnas-stories.com
URL - http://www.donnas-stories.com/
Rating - R
Category - MSR, angst
Spoilers - The Beginning
Keywords - MSR, angst
Summary - What kind of damage can Diana do?
Feedback - Please
Archive - Anywhere, just let me know so I can visit

Disclaimer - Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunmen and Skinner 
all belong to Chris, 10-13, and Fox - Bless them for it!!  No 
infringement intended.


Depths of Feeling


He'd been . . . twitchy all day, not really meeting her eyes.  
She knew how he felt about their 'assignment' but something 
else was wrong today.  She was getting ready to demand 
answers when the phone rang.

"Scully," she said quickly, still watching him.

"I need to speak to Fox."

Scully's face went blank at the voice.  "Just a minute." She 
stabbed the hold button and turned to Mulder.  "It's for you, 
Diana."

Her brow furrowed as she noted the look of pure panic on 
his face.

"Uh, tell her I'll call her later."

Scully didn't react for a moment.  "You want me to take a 
message?"  The sarcasm was deep.

"Just, uh, I can't talk to her now.  Please?"

She huffed a breath out, then picked up the phone, 
wondering at herself as she did so.  "He'll have to get back 
to you," she said curtly into the phone.

There was a hesitation.  "Fine, tell him I'll see him again 
tonight."  Diana broke the connection.

See him again tonight?  What the hell did that mean?  She 
turned to ask, but Mulder was on his feet.

"Hungry, Scully?"

"Uh, I guess.  The cart is - "

"No, let's get out of here."

Damn he was nervous as a cat.  What the hell was going 
on?  She looked up at him, but he was already moving 
toward the elevator.  She hurried to catch up.  He held the 
elevator door, but he wasn't in her space like he normally 
was.  She was watching him, but he wouldn't meet her eyes 
again.

On the street his hand touched her lower back but 
immediately he pulled it back.  She kept quiet for now, but 
she was damn well going to find out what was bothering him.

He pointed to the food court at the post office, but it wasn't 
really a question.  She had to hurry to keep up with him.  
She chose a different station than him, then joined him at a 
table for two.  She didn't say anything, opening her bottle of 
water.  He was concentrating on his cheeseburger.

She poured her dressing over the small salad and took a 
bite.  She watched him carefully as she chewed.  "What's up 
with you today?"

He seemed to choke for an instant.  "Wha - "

"You don't want to take a call from Diana?"

"Scully, I - "

"She said she'd see you again tonight.  I didn't know you 
saw her yesterday."

He paled and she felt her whole body tighten.

"Mulder, what's going on?"

"Listen, I, uh, I did see her last night."

"An X-File?" She amazed herself, her voice was steady.

"It, Scully, I . . . it didn't mean anything," he blurted out.  "You 
have to believe me.  I don't even know what happened.  I'm 
not going to - "

Now it was her that paled.  Didn't mean anything?  What 
didn't mean . . ."Oh god.  Oh god!" She was on her feet now, 
her chair nearly tipping over at her sudden move.

"Scully, no - " He reached for her but she backed away, her 
eyes wide and horror- filled.  Her lips moved, but no sound 
emerged, then she was moving away.  She had to get away.

He watched her go, too frightened to move.  After a very 
long time, he rose on trembling legs and cleaned their table.  
Then he turned back toward the Hoover Building.

*****

Now she was at her apartment.  She had no clear memory of 
the drive home, but the numbness was wearing off and the 
pain and fury growing.  

Diana!

It didn't mean anything?  With Diana!  She sat down hard on 
the sofa, trying to cool off and regain some composure.
 
The knock on the door caused her to jump but she didn't 
rise.  "Scully, we need to talk," he called through the door.

She remained seated. "Go away," she responded, not even 
looking in that direction.

How could he come here?  She didn't want to see him.  She 
didn't want to see anyone.  She hadn't known he could hurt 
her this badly.  

"Scully, please."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Scully, I'm not leaving until you do," he sounded adamant.

She still hesitated, but he wouldn't leave, she knew that 
much about the man.  She levered herself up, took a deep 
breath and approached the door.  She opened it but just 
looked at him.

"May I come in?"  At least he hadn't just walked in.

She still didn't speak, but after a moment she moved aside, 
not offering any welcome.

"Scully?"

"You wanted to talk.  Talk."

"I'm sorry.  Scully, I-I made a mistake."

"Yes, you did."

He swallowed hard at the ice in her tone.  "Please, forgive 
me."

"No."

He made an involuntary step toward her. "Scully?"  Had she 
really said that to him?

"You thought I betrayed you by not blindly following in your 
lead and validating everything with no proof, so you betrayed 
me," she spoke flatly, without emotion.  "You said you 
needed me, that I completed you.  You lied.  Are we 
through?"

"No.  Scully, please, it's the truth.  You do complete me.  
Don't you understand, I was, I was messed up.  The X-Files 
were closed and I was, I was lost.  She doesn't mean 
anything to me. It didn't mean anything."

"It did to me."  Her eyes met his then and the distance, the 
remoteness, stunned him.  She'd never looked at him like 
that, not even in the beginning.  It scared him on a level he 
hadn't experienced in a very long time.  His hand took hold 
of the back of the couch, his knees were actually weak.  His 
mouth moved, but no sound emerged.

"I want you to go now."  She sounded so cold, so final.

"Scully."  He reached for her and she jerked back.

"Don't touch me." Her voice was cold, dead.  "You fucked 
Diana Fowley."

His eyes widened.  "Please, Scully, I don't care about her.  
She knows that, she knows you're - "

"I want you gone."  She didn't even seem angry now, just icy.  
He actually shivered.

"There's nowhere I want to - "

"Go back to your black haired cunt."  Her voice was rising as 
her control slipped.

He was rocked.  Scully never talked like that.  He hadn't 
realized how badly he'd messed up until he saw the cold had 
been replaced with pure fury in her eyes.

"You fucked her!  You fucked Diana Fowley!  Get out!  Get 
out of my apartment.  Now!"

"Scully - "

"Get out or I'll call the police."  She grabbed up the phone 
and swung the door open.  For an instant he thought she 
was going to strike him, but instead she screamed.  "Get 
out!"

He didn't know if he was able to walk or if he was going to 
throw up first.  He managed to make it to the door but just 
outside he hesitated.  She slammed the door, actually hitting 
him.  He had to grab the door jamb to stay upright.  Time, he 
needed to give her some time, then she'd calm down.  She 
would calm down; Scully knew that she was the only person 
he trusted, the only person that truly mattered to him.

Yes, he had slept with Diana.  He had no excuse; he wasn't 
some hormonal teenager.  Normally Diana's 'charms' 
wouldn't sway him.  And he wasn't interested in her as a 
woman or anything else.  He'd been off balance by his 
argument with Scully.  No excuse, true, but he wasn't any 
good without Scully.  She had to know that.  

He realized he was still standing in her hall and after a 
couple of deep breaths, he forced himself to move toward 
his car.  In a couple of minutes he was able to start the 
engine and pull out.  He resisted the urge to look back at her 
window, afraid of what he might see there.

He didn't sleep that night.  Closing his eyes kept bringing 
back the sight of Scully, in all her fury, glaring at him.  He'd 
never felt so cold or alone, not even when Samantha was 
taken.  He hadn't realized then what he was missing.  He 
knew now, with Scully, he was missing his soul.

*****

She wasn't in the bull pen the next morning.  He glanced at 
his watch.  He was early since he hadn't slept. She'd be 
here, he clung to that thought as though it was a life saver.  
He booted up his computer automatically, unable to 
concentrate.  His phone rang and he grabbed it before the 
first ring ended.

"Mulder."

"Get up here, now."  The phone went dead in his ear.

Skinner?  Now what?  He pushed himself back from the 
desk and looked around.  Scully still wasn't there.  With 
shoulders slumped he headed for the elevator.

Kim was on the phone, but motioned for him to go on in.  
Mulder tapped on the door and opened it.

Skinner motioned for him to come on in.  Mulder stood 
behind his regular chair.  "What the hell did you do now?" 
Skinner barked at him.

"Excuse me?"  He didn't even report to the man anymore.

"I got a call from Scully last night, demanding that I get her 
reassigned, immediately."

"What?" Mulder's face paled as he stepped toward the desk.  
He had thought he was as low as he could get, just goes to 
show you . . .

"She said if she isn't reassigned, effective immediately, she 
would tender her resignation."

"What, what did you do?" Mulder's chest was tight, too tight 
to get a breath.

"I've got her heading over to Quantico this afternoon.  I don't 
want to lose a good agent.  Now tell me what happened."

Mulder didn't answer, sinking into the chair.  After a long 
moment he spoke, looking down at his hands.   "I . . . I 
messed up."

"I got that, Mulder.  What did you do?"

"It's p-personal."

Skinner's eyes narrowed.  The younger man did not look 
good, in fact now that he looked at Mulder, he wasn't put 
together like he usually was.  The suit was rumpled, his 
shave wasn't close.  "Mulder?"

"I need to go."  His eyes were unfocused and he sounded far 
away.

"You're not going anywhere."  Something about him 
disturbed Skinner, something besides his appearance.  It 
was his demeanor.  He was not . . . okay.

Mulder didn't seem to hear him and started to rise.

"No, Mulder, you're not leaving.  Give me your keys."

The man looked like he was going to collapse.  What the hell 
had happened?  These two were close, good partners.  Hell, 
with all the rumors about them, their partnership was the 
only thing Skinner hadn't worried about.  What could Mulder 
have done to cause the white hot fury he had heard in 
Scully's voice?

"And your guns, Mulder." He decided quickly, looking at him 
closely.  What he saw actually scared him.  "Give me your 
keys and your gun.  Now."

Mulder didn't move, so Skinner came around the desk and 
took it from him.  There was no resistance.  He wasn't even 
sure Mulder had heard him or was aware of him now.

"Wait here, Mulder."  The words were unnecessary; he didn't 
seem to be in there.  Skinner moved toward the door and 
opened it.  "Kim, find Agent Scully, now."  He shut the door 
and turned to watch Mulder.  He hadn't moved, he didn't 
even seem to know Skinner was still in the room.

Scully arrived about ten minutes later, and was not happy.  

"Kim, may we use your office?"  Skinner motioned toward 
the door.

"Of course."  Kim rose quickly, a worried look on her face, 
but she kept quiet.  She heard Skinner lock the door behind 
her.

"I don't have much time.  I was getting ready to leave for 
Quantico." Her tone was insubordinate, but he let it pass.  
He had bigger worries right now.

"Something's wrong."  Skinner looked toward the door of his 
office.  "I need to know why you want the transfer."

"It's personal.  It's a personal decision."

"Did you and Mulder have a, a disagreement?"

"That's none of your business."  She blinked, that's not the 
kind of thing she had ever said to a supervisor.

Skinner seemed to rear back for an instant and she knew he 
was going to reprimand her, but instead he looked back at 
his office door once more. "Did Mulder hurt you?"

No, he just ripped out my heart and every ounce of trust I've 
ever had, she thought.  "What do you mean?" Her back was 
stiff.

Skinner sighed.  "Mulder's in my office.  He's not okay."

Scully just looked at him, not offering any comment.

"Scully, I mean, he's not okay."

After a moment she looked away.  "I'm sure he'll be fine."

"I'm not.  I took his gun."

That caught her attention.  "Why did you do that?"

"I, I wasn't sure he'd be safe."

"Safe?" she questioned.

"I was afraid he would injure himself," Skinner said carefully.

She absorbed that in silence.

"Scully - "

"Why don't you call Agent Fowley?  I'm sure she can help 
you with the situation." 

"Agent Fow . . . Scully, you're not hearing me.  I think the 
man is suicidal."

"I believe you're overstating the situation."

Skinner stared down at her for a moment, then moved to his 
office.  He opened the door and looked inside.  He started 
when he saw that Mulder was no longer in the chair.  He 
shoved the door open and looked quickly around the room.  
He was unaware that Scully had moved behind him in spite 
of herself.

Skinner moved into the room quietly, taking in his 
surroundings.  He finally spotted Mulder sitting on the floor 
on the far side of the couch.  Skinner approached him 
cautiously.  "Mulder?  Can you hear me?"

For a long moment there was no response.  Then Mulder 
looked up.  "I didn't hurt her.  I don't know where she is."

"Mulder?" Skinner squatted in front of him.

"There was a light.  I couldn't move.  I tried, I swear, but . . ."

"A light, I see.  Uh, how old are you, Mu-Fox?"

"I was twelve last month.  I've kept her lots of times.  I don't 
know what happened, honest!"

"I believe you, Fox.  My name is Walter Skinner; why don't 
you get up and sit here on my couch.  I need to speak with 
my friend here, but I'll be right back."

Mulder nodded and scrambled to his feet.  He took a seat on 
the couch and sat quietly, his expression scared.

Skinner turned toward Scully, to find her staring horrified at 
her former partner.  He moved toward her and took her arm, 
leading her to the far side of the office.  "Okay, Agent, I need 
to know what the hell happened.  The man's had some sort 
of a breakdown.  He thinks Samantha was just taken."

Scully just stared at him.

"We have to get him out of here.  Do you have a key to his 
car?"

She nodded.

"Okay.  I'm going to take him to my car.  I want you to follow 
in his.  We'll go to my apartment.  When we get there, I want 
some answers."  He spoke quietly, but the Marine steel was 
behind it.

He walked away from her then, returning to Mulder.  "Fox, 
we need to go somewhere now.  Will you come with me?"

The man, looking more like a boy each moment, nodded and 
stood up.  "We're going to my car, Fox."

"Yes, sir."

Skinner held the door open and, after a quick glance back at 
Scully to ensure that she was following, he moved to the 
elevator.  Scully entered the elevator with them but didn't 
look at them.

Skinner motioned to his car and Mulder followed.  Mulder 
smiled slightly when the door locks were disengaged with a 
click and he let himself into the front passenger's seat.

They were both quiet on the drive.  Skinner didn't know what 
kind of questions to ask, so he decided to wait until they 
were safely in his apartment and Scully was with them.  She 
knew Mulder better than anyone.  Whatever had happened, 
she would be the one that could reach him.

Skinner pulled into the garage of his building and led Mulder 
upstairs.  Scully would have to find a place to park, but it 
shouldn't take long.  "Would you like something to drink, 
Fox?  I have Coke and orange juice."

"A Coke would be nice."

"Okay, have a seat.  I'll be right back." 

Scully still wasn't there when he returned with a can of Coke 
and glass full of ice.  "Here you go."

Mulder took it, but didn't pour.  Instead he looked around the 
apartment.  "Why are we here?"

"I thought we should discuss this situation away from the, the 
station.  You are not a suspect in your sister's 
disappearance."

Mulder visibly relaxed at those words.  The knock on the 
door drew their attention and Skinner answered it.  Scully 
hesitated, then stepped inside.  "Is he . . . "

"Fox," Skinner interrupted, "I need to speak to Agent S-, to 
this agent.  We'll be right back."

Mulder nodded and turned to pour his drink.

Skinner led Scully into the kitchen.  "He's still out of it.  He 
thinks he's a twelve year old boy and just relieved that I don't 
think he harmed his sister.  He hasn't even asked about his 
parents."

"I doubt he does.  His parents weren't exactly supportive."

"What do you mean?"

"He's never spoken of it directly.  I believe that his father was 
abusive, if not physically then emotionally.  His mother was 
distant and, and took medication."

Skinner's brow furrowed.  "Are you saying that Samantha 
was his only real family?"

Scully blinked, "I, I suppose I am."

"No wonder he's continued the search for her for so long.  
Without her he was . . . abandoned."

Scully stepped back away from Skinner at those words.  "A-
abandoned?"

"Well, at the young age of twelve, you're saying he basically 
lost his whole family.  I knew his parents were divorced."

She nodded.  "When he was fourteen."

"Why did you request the transfer?"

"I . . . I - " The sudden change startled her.  She wasn't ready 
for this.  "Something happened that, that I . . . "

"Scully, I realize you've having a problem talking to me about 
this, but I also know how close you and Mulder are.  Please, 
we have to help him and we have to do it without Kersh 
finding out.  Do you understand me?"

Scully stiffened her spine and looked Skinner directly in the 
eye.  "Agent Mulder slept with Agent Fowley."

Skinner stepped back, rocked to the core by her words.  He 
looked back toward the living room where the boy/man sat, 
then he turned back to Scully.  "I'm sorry."

She just shook her head, but made no response.

After a moment, Skinner returned to the living room, leaving 
her alone in the kitchen.  Maybe she wasn't going to be the 
most help.  At least he could understand the fury he had 
heard in her voice now.

He took a seat beside Mulder, who turned to him 
expectantly.

"I want to assure you that my best agents are looking for 
your sister.  They will be on the case until we find her," 
Skinner said quietly.

"Thank you."

"Why don't you tell us what you remember?" Scully spoke 
from behind Skinner and he turned to look at her.  She 
wouldn't face him, watching Mulder instead.

"That's the problem!" the boy said anxiously.  "I don't 
remember! I never forget anything, but I can't - "

"Calm down, Fox," Skinner touched his arm.  "Just tell us 
what you do remember."

Fox looked down and obviously tried to relax.  "We were 
watching TV and, and arguing a little.  Nothing big, honest."  
Skinner nodded for him to continue.  "The lights went out 
and I, I acted like it was her fault. Then, then she started 
screaming my name.  I don't . . . I don't know what 
happened."

"Your parents weren't there?"

"No, they were next door playing cards with the Galbrands'.  
They go over there a lot and leave her with me."

"They trust you with her," Skinner offered.

"Not any more.  They'll never trust me again.  You have to 
find her."  He seemed to deflate at that and his shoulders 
drooped.

"Looks like you haven't gotten much sleep lately.  Why don't 
you take a little nap now while we work?  You can use the 
guest room or - "

"I can just rest my eyes here for a minute." Fox responded, 
looking down at the couch.

"Okay.  We'll be in the next room."  Skinner rose then and 
motioned for Scully to follow him back into the kitchen.  After 
a long last look at Mulder, who was already sinking into 
sleep, she turned away and moved toward the kitchen.

Skinner had his back to her, looking inside his refrigerator.  "I 
have oj, beer and water.  I know it's early in the day, but I'm 
going to have a beer.  What about you?"

"Uh, a beer would be fine."  She wanted a stiff drink or three, 
but it wouldn't help right now.

Skinner only nodded to himself and pulled out two bottles.  
He opened them both, then motioned for her to have a seat 
at the table.  He sat across from her and took a long pull on 
his beer.  

She was startled out of her thoughts when Skinner abruptly 
started talking.  "I know this is just my opinion and my insight 
into Mulder's 'charm' is limited, but I think he wouldn't have a 
lot of trouble getting a woman in his bed.  I'm basing that on 
the way he looks and the way he dresses.  He's not my type, 
but Kim seems to appreciate looking at him." He grinned, 
though Scully looked more uncomfortable than ever.

"But I don't think that's what happened."

She looked up for an instant, then away as Skinner 
continued.  "This is off the record, but knowing Agent 
Fowley, I've got to say whatever happened was instigated by 
her.  Diana is an extremely intelligent woman.  She knows it; 
she also knows how to climb the ladder, using her back."

Scully's head flew up then, stunned at his words.  He didn't 
look over at her, taking another drink from his beer.

"Mulder's been dissatisfied.  I knew it, you knew it; she had 
to know it.  He's lost the X-Files.  If he was also on the outs 
with you . . . well, she would know that as well.  And believe 
me, if she saw a hint of vulnerability, she'd pounce on it.  
She could use him, to hurt you.  In case you're unaware of it, 
she doesn't like you.  She's seen what you mean to him."

"What I mean . . . "

"Scully, don't.  You know what you mean to Mulder.  The 
man has the social skills of a doorknob most of the time.  
Yes, he could get a date if he tried; he doesn't try.  He's with 
you.  He has been for years.  I don't know what your 
relationship is and I'm not asking, but if he felt he had lost 
you . . ." Skinner looked back over at the man sleeping on 
his couch and shrugged.  He didn't say anything else.

*****

She looked up to see him staring at her.  Embarrassed at 
being caught, he looked down blushing.  "Mu-Fox, what is 
it?"

"Nothing," he murmured not facing her.

"No, really, what is it?

"You're, you're pretty."

Scully blinked at that.  "Th-thank you."

"I like your hair."

Scully self-consciously tucked her hair behind her ear.  "I - 
thanks."

"Of course I like brown hair too, like my sister.  She has 
really long dark hair that she wears in braids."

Scully nodded.  "I've seen pictures of Samantha.  She's a 
very pretty little girl."

Mulder nodded, his smile gone.  "My mom's pretty too.  
She's tall, taller than you and she has long dark hair.  She 
wears it up a lot of the time, in a, a - "

"A French twist?" Scully offered.

"Yeah, and sometimes a bun."  His smile faded.  "Do you 
think she'll ever . . . "

"What?"

"Do you think she'll ever forgive me, for not protecting . . ." 
his eyes dropped.

"Fox, your mother doesn't blame you."

He just looked at her then, clearly not believing her words.  
"She doesn't talk to me anymore."

"She's upset, Fox."

"I know.  She loves Samantha.  Samantha's her only 
daughter." He shrugged.

"And you're her only son."

Mulder just looked away for a long moment.  "Are you 
helping look for her, for Samantha?"

"Yes.  I've been looking for her," Scully said carefully.

"It's my fault."

"Fox, I don't believe you are responsible.  Why do you say 
that?"

"My, my Dad.  The way he looks at me.  He thinks it's my 
fault.  Mom won't even come near me.  When the police 
came she couldn't even stay in the same room with me."

"Fox," she stumbled slightly over the name.  "I believe you 
did everything you could to protect your sister.  We have 
some . . . suspects and no one person, even one as 
responsible and mature as you, could have kept them from 
taking her."

"You know who - "

"We have some ideas.  Things you've told us have helped."

He looked confused.  "I didn't tell you anything."

She smiled slightly.  "You told us more than you realize."

He was watching her again.  "What is it, Fox?"

"I don't know, I just thought all G-men were, well, men."

She chuckled at that.  She could see the boy behind the man 
clearly now, as though the damage done to him was all in 
the future, not yet etched on his face.  "No, there are female 
agents at the FBI."

He nodded, slightly abashed.  "You'll find her."

"What?" she asked startled.

"I don't know, it just feels like you'll be the one to find her."

Before she could speak, she saw Skinner motion to her from 
behind Mulder's back, to join him in the kitchen. She smiled 
at Mulder.  "I'll be right back."

His eyes followed her, but he made no comment as she 
disappeared into the kitchen.

"Did you hear him?  He thinks I can find Samantha."

Skinner nodded.  "Or save him."

"Excuse me?"

Skinner ignored that.  "It sounded like his mother resembled 
Diana, didn't it?"

Scully looked up, startled.

"He doesn't think his mother loves him and he wants to win 
that back. 

Her eyes narrowed.  "I don't remember you earning your 
psychology degree."  

"Okay, I'm not the psychologist, but you can't tell me you 
didn't catch what he said."

"Don't - " she interrupted immediately.

"Scully, look at him.  He's already bonding with you."

"I can't.  I know he's traumatized, but he hurt me, what he 
did - " she stopped as Skinner's head came up.  Mulder had 
joined them in the kitchen, his expression concerned.

"Excuse me."  Skinner left them alone again, despite the look 
Scully shot him.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course, I'm fine," Scully said, wrapping her composure 
around her.  That question had sounded more like Mulder.  It 
was as though the boy felt responsible for her somehow.

"What did he do?"

Scully met his eyes, confused.  "Skinner?"

"No, the man that hurt you," he asked quietly.

"What, what are you talking about?" She tried to look away, 
but his hand came out, not quite touching her.

"'He hurt me', you just said that to Mr. Skinner.  Was he your 
boyfriend?"

"I . . . He's a special friend, someone I trusted."

"You can't trust him anymore?"

"Fox, I can't - "

"Did he cheat on you?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"I . . . nevermind.  I'm sorry he hurt you.  He sounds kinda 
stupid."

She blinked at that.  "He's not stupid, maybe . . . maybe he's 
naive about women."
 
"Are you going to forgive him?"

She seemed to deflate then, and turned away, not speaking.  
She moved toward the living room, but he didn't follow her.  
At the door she looked back to see him rubbing his forehead, 
his eyes closed.

"Fox?  Are you okay?"

"I have a headache."

Concerned, she returned to his side.  "Let me get you some 
aspirin."  He didn't protest.  The Mulder she knew would, it 
must be worse than he wanted to admit.

She found some aspirin in Skinner's medicine cabinet and 
brought them to Mulder, along with a glass of water.  She 
watched him take the medicine, then took the glass he 
handed her.  

"When am I going home?"

Scully opened her mouth, but before she could speak, 
Skinner joined them.  "I'd like you to stay here tonight."

"Here?"

"I think it would be for the best."

Mulder seemed to deflate; his life had been out of control for 
so long.  He nodded and moved back to the living room.

Scully looked at Skinner but refrained from comment.  She 
turned back to the kitchen and put the glass in the 
dishwasher.  When she returned to the larger room, Mulder 
looked up immediately.  "Are, are you leaving?"

"No, I don't have to go right now."

He relaxed then and turned back to the television.  Skinner 
had turned it to an old movie.  After a moment, Scully joined 
them.

After a while Skinner ordered a pizza, Mulder's favorite 
though it was Scully who suggested it.  She saw his eyes 
smile and follow her into the kitchen to get them drinks.

It wasn't long after that when Mulder began yawning.  Scully 
turned to him.  "You should go on to bed, Fox.  It's been a 
long day."

"You're leaving," he said softly.

"No, no I don't have to leave now."

Skinner quietly picked up the remainders of their dinner and 
headed for the kitchen, leaving them alone.

"It's okay.  I'm not a kid anymore.  I don't need someone to 
tuck me in or anything."

"I know that.  Skinner and I still have a little work to do.  Go 
on, get ready for bed.  I won't leave without telling you."

He looked deep into her eyes, then nodded.  He headed for 
the guest room without looking back.  She joined Skinner.

"Scully, you can go on.  I think he'll be okay once he gets to 
sleep."

She shook her head.  "Not yet."  Skinner looked at her, then 
nodded.

When Mulder came out of the bathroom he turned into the 
bedroom without a word, closing the door behind him.

After a moment she knocked and at his response, opened 
the door. "Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah.  You can go on home."

"Do you really want me to leave?"

"It's okay."

"What if I stayed for a little while longer?"

"You don't have to, really."

"I think I'd like to.  Maybe just until you fall asleep?"

The look of gratitude was quickly hidden.  He just nodded 
and settled in the bed.  She moved closer then, straightening 
the covers and brushing the hair back out of his face.  She 
sat on the side of the bed, watching him.

"Thanks."  His eyes seemed to devour her.  Mulder had 
never looked at her so blatantly before.  His mind might be 
twelve years old right now, but there was a man there as 
well.  She forced herself not to retreat, leaving her hand on 
his hair.

"Close your eyes, Fox.  You're safe here."

"Safe, that would be nice."  But he obeyed her, closing his 
eyes and seeming to move into her hand.

She was a little surprised at how quickly he fell asleep.  She 
remained for a while, assuring herself he wasn't faking it and 
then carefully rose from the bed and returned to the living 
room.

Skinner had completed cleaning up and was at his desk, 
working on-line.  He looked over at her.  "Is he asleep?"

"He was exhausted."

"You look like you are too.  Did you sleep any last night?"

She sank onto the couch.  "I don't know what to do."

"You can head on home."

"No, I mean . . . " she shook her head.  "Did I cause this 
breakdown?"

"You can't give him a bye; he holds a lot of the responsibility.  
He should know better than to let a woman, any woman, use 
him.  He is an adult."

Scully glanced toward the bedroom, then back at him, her 
eyebrow rising.

Skinner smiled.  "Okay, technically he's an adult."

"I didn't realize."

"What?  How important you are to him?"  He watched the 
color rise on her cheeks, but she wouldn't look at him.  He 
allowed her silence and after a moment returned to the 
computer screen.

They both jumped violently when he screamed.  "Scully!  
Scullee!"  She was on her feet racing back to the bedroom, 
Skinner only a couple of steps behind her.

"I'm here, Mulder, I'm here."  She resumed her seat beside 
him, but she realized he was still asleep.


*****

She woke to find herself in his arms.  He was watching her 
anxiously.  "Scully?"

She breathed a sigh of relief.  He was Mulder again.  
"Morning.  How are you feeling?"

"I'm not sure."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember you were . . . furious."

She nodded.

He looked around the room, not releasing her.  "Where are 
we?"

"Skinner's guest room."

His grip loosened in shock and he gaped at her.  "Walter 
Skinner?"

She nodded again.  He just stared at her.

"What's your relationship with Diana Fowley?" she asked 
quietly.

He shuddered and she saw a look of . . . of loathing came 
over his face before he could hide it.  "She tried to destroy 
the only good thing in my life."   He looked her in the eyes.  
"Did she?"

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"I'm a fool.  Can I ever . . . can you forgive me?"

"We need to talk."

He nodded slowly.  He didn't know what had happened; how 
the hell they had ended up in bed in Skinner's apartment.  
But she was in his arms; she was willing to talk to him.  
Maybe, just maybe life wasn't over.


Depth of Feeling - Part 2


"You need to get up, Mulder."

He nodded, still too anxious to ask any questions.

"I'll let Skinner know you're back."

"Back?"

"I'll explain later.  Go ahead and shower."

He realized he was wearing only boxers.  He had no memory since leaving
her apartment.  Was that yesterday?  The fact that she was speaking to
him was a plus.  He had to believe that.

He'd emerged after his shower to find his clothes lying across the foot
of the bed.  After he'd dressed, he followed the smell of coffee to the
kitchen.  He'd been in the main room before on a couple of occasions
but he'd never had 'the tour'.  He didn't know whether they had heard
him or were just being quiet, but nothing was being said when he
entered.

Skinner handed him a coffee mug and pointed to the coffee maker.  When
he joined them at the table, Scully was studying her coffee.

"How are you feeling?" Skinner asked, watching him closely.

"Confused.  I'm not sure what I'm doing here."

Skinner nodded.  "I think you and Agent Scully should discuss that."

Mulder glanced at Scully, but she still wasn't making any move to face
him.  His fear level grew again.

"I'm heading to work.  I don't want to see you at work until Monday." 
He was looking at Mulder, then turned to Scully.  Nothing was said but
after a slight hesitation she nodded.

Mulder's chest tightened again.  When had these two exchanged that kind
of communication?  Skinner knew what he'd done.

"Call me if you need anything."  That was directed only at Scully.

Mulder just sat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  He watched Scully
and Skinner rise and head for the living room.  He couldn't even finish
his coffee, his stomach was roiling.

He didn't hear what they were saying.  He wasn't sure he wanted to.  He
was still staring into the mug when Scully returned.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Sure.  I don't have anything here, do I?"

"No.  But your car's here.  I drove it."

"Thanks."  He rose, poured his coffee into the sink and followed her
out of the apartment.  He stood in silence as she locked up and he
realized that Skinner had left her to handle this.  Boy, they had
gotten chummy; not that there was anything he could say about it.

He followed her into the elevator but remained silent.  Even though it
was his car, he didn't move to the driver's side.  She unlocked the
doors and he got in.  
"Mulder, are you okay?"

He turned to look at her as he spoke, "I don't know.  Am I?"

"You . . . I don't know."

"What happened?"

"Let's wait until we get to your apartment."

"Will you stay?  Talk to me?"

"Yes."

He nodded slightly as he turned and looked back out the windshield. 
They made the rest of the trip in silence.  Again he followed her into
the building and up to his apartment.  She waited as he unlocked the
door, then preceded him inside.  She dropped his keys on the table and
turned to look at him.

He couldn't help it, he shivered under her gaze.  "You want to talk to
me?  Will you talk to me?"

"Yes."

"Why were we at Skinner's apartment?"

"He thought it would be a safe place for you.  You had a, a breakdown."

"I don't . . . "

"We had a fight."

He nodded.  "That I remember.  I screwed up, literally."

"And I overreacted.  We're not a couple, Mulder.  I had no right - "

"Scully, I gave you that right a long time ago."

She shook her head and moved away from him toward the couch.  She took
a seat and he followed, taking the opposite end.  

"We're both free agents, as it were," she said quietly.  

"But Diana sent you over the edge."

"I thought you had better taste," she shrugged.

"You've never trusted her."

"I'm entitled to my opinion, Mulder.  Obviously, I don't know her as
well as you do.  We've not worked together and we have no history, but
-"

"You just instinctively mistrust her."

"Like I said, I'm entitled - "

"Yes, you are.  Can you explain it to me?"

"You didn't want to listen before."

He nodded.  "I apologize for that.  I was wrong."

"When did you decide that?"

"Please."

She took a deep breath, but didn't look away.  "I told you.  She spent
her time in Europe working off the books.  She was checking on
abductees, cataloging them, monitoring them.  She's not on the X-Files,
or she wasn't.  These people had nothing to do with her official
assignment but she spent more time on them than her work.  She comes
back, with no warning or official paperwork, when Gibson Praise is
attacked."

"No official paperwork?"

"Her return was handled through unofficial channels, with no warning or
hand-off of her 'real' assignment."

"I didn't know - "

"You didn't let us tell you.  You shut us down.  If you don't believe
me, ask Byers."

"I believe you."

"Why?"  Her eyes bored into his.

"I . . . I believe my, what happened between Diana and me was planned."

"Planned?"

He managed a sickly smile.  "I don't believe my 'charm' was what drew
Diana to me."

"Why not?"

"Just a feeling."

"You're usually a perceptive man."

"I wasn't . . . I have no excuse."

"And you don't need one," she said quickly.

"Yeah, I do."

"Mulder, I was over the line.  You can sleep with anyone - "

"Stop it. Scully, our relationship is . . . undefined."

Her eyebrow rose to new heights.     

"We're more than partners.  You know that.  We've been more than
partners for a long time."

After a moment she nodded.  "We're friends."

"Scully."

"Okay, we're more than friends as well, but that doesn't mean that I
have the right to - "

"To behave like a betrayed wife?"

She blushed then and looked away.

"I give you that right, if you'll let me.  I don't know if we can get
past this.  I don't know if you want to.  Can you tell me what happened
last night?"

She blinked at the change in subject but after a moment nodded.

"Do you want anything?  Some water, a beer?"

"For breakfast?  I had a little more wine than I should have the other
night."  Then she shrugged.  "A beer, please."

He rose and returned quickly with two beers.  He opened them both and
handed her one.  She held it for a moment, then took a long draw. 
"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Going to your apartment.  You, you were angry with me."

She cut her eyes toward him.  "As always, a master of understatement,
Mulder.  You left my place and I called Skinner, demanding to be
reassigned."

He jerked forward.

"You didn't know about it.  Skinner apparently called you to his office
first thing yesterday morning and informed you of my demand. 
Apparently you zoned out.  You scared Skinner and he took your gun."

He nodded slightly, but didn't interrupt.

"He called me to his office and told me that you were, in his words,
'not okay'.  That too was an understatement."  She took another drink
of her beer and he seemed to finally remember his.  He swallowed about
half the bottle, then focused on her again.

"When we entered the office, you were sitting on the floor beside his
couch.  When he spoke to you, you insisted that you had not hurt your
sister and you didn't know what had happened to her."

Mulder gaped at her.  She took the bottle of beer from his nerveless
fingers and set it on the coffee table.

"I, I regressed?"

"You were twelve years old.  You were upset and lost."

"That fits," he said quietly.

"When Skinner realized what had happened, he got you out of there so no
one would see.  He drove you and I followed in your car."

"I'm surprised you agreed to help me."

"Skinner persuaded me."

"You and Skinner . . . "

"He talked to me."

"He knows."

"Yes.  I was surprised at his opinion of Agent Fowley."

"Skinner has an opinion of Diana?"

"You can talk to him about that."

Mulder nodded.  "Why were we in bed together?"

"We weren't."

He tilted his head, staring at her.

"Okay, we were in the same bed, but we were not sleeping together.  You
finally went on to bed - "

"In Skinner's guest room."

"Yes.  You were twelve, you couldn't drive," she said dryly.  

He wanted to smile but didn't dare.

"I was getting ready to leave and you had a nightmare.  You cried out
for me.  Skinner invited me to stay over as well."

"I need to thank him," Mulder said quietly.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I hadn't gotten much sleep the night
before."

They sat silently then, both staring off into space.

"Where are we, Scully?" he asked finally.

"I don't know."

She noted his growing tension.  "I want, I need us to be . . . "

"Be what, Mulder?"

"Together."

"What does that mean?"

"It means what I meant before; when you were going to leave the Bureau,
leave me.  You're more important to me than anyone else.  Anyone.  I
don't know if I can show you that.  I don't know what you'll let me
show you."  

He rose then to take the empty bottles to the kitchen.  He paused, his
back to her as he spoke again.  "Just for the record, I didn't 'sleep'
with Diana.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  She was . . .
greatly annoyed."  He continued on to the kitchen then as Scully just
stared at his back.  "Want another beer?"

"No.  It's not even time for lunch."

"Yeah, I know.  I've got some English muffins in the freezer."

"No thanks.  I should head home."

"Please don't, I mean, uh, I'm not holding you prisoner of anything,
but we have the day off.  We could - "

"Mulder - "

"I know, I'm pushing.  I just don't . . . "

"Mulder, relax."

"Good advice.  Wish I could take it.  I, I haven't . . . gone away
since, well never mind that."

"Gone away?  This has happened to you before?"  Scully stood up and
moved toward him.  "When?"

"It was a long time ago."  She just stood there, waiting.  "Shit," he
muttered as he moved around her back to the couch.

"You had a breakdown?  I never knew - "

"Oh come on.  After all this time, you thought I was completely sane? 
I believe in UFOs and ghosts and I'm stupid enough to believe someone
like Diana Fowley."

"Talk to me."

"It wasn't a breakdown.  And put that eyebrow back down.  I took a
while to come back from one my serial cases when I was working for
Patterson.  That's when I decided to distance myself.  I went for
something more stable, like the X-Files."  He grimaced as she huffed
out a laugh.

"Maybe we're both insane," she offered.

"Not you.  You're the only stable thing in my life.  You haven't told
me, are you still in my life?"

"I'm here."

"Because Skinner forced you."

"No, though he did say some things that . . . "

"What?  What did Skinner say?  Please."

She sighed.  Did he need to hear this?

"Scully."

"Skinner is no psychologist."

"But he said something that made you think; that made you willing to
give me a second chance."

"He, he pointed out that, that you didn't have a lot of stability in
your life growing up; you didn't have much of a home life."

"This isn't news to you."  He took a seat beside her again.  

"He, he wondered if maybe you were, if . . . "

"You think I need protecting from what he said.  Now that's scary." 
She looked away from him.  "Scully, do you think I'll zone out again?"

"No.  That's not . . . Skinner wondered if you had seen . . .
mannerisms or, or attitudes that reminded you of your . . .

Mulder's eyes widened and his mouth opened, then he closed it and rose
abruptly from the couch.  He began pacing.  Twice he turned toward her
and seemed about to speak, then shut up again.  

Finally he exploded.  "He thought, he thought - my mother?"

"He wondered if, possibly, you gave her the benefit of the doubt
because she - "

"Do you think that?  Do you think I - "he stopped abruptly when he
realized what he was about to say.

"Mulder, you had a dysfunctional childhood.  You haven't given me a lot
of specifics and I haven't asked, but every child wants to be accepted
and loved.  You know how I was when Ahab died before we had the chance
to understand each other over my job.  I have to assume that you're
normal enough to want your mother - "

"In bed?"

"Jesus, Mulder.  Her approval, her support."

"And I get that by boinking Diana?"  He closed his eyes when she
winced.  "God, could you just shoot me, then I'll shut up and quit
making this worse.  I'll stand real still and you try to aim at a
non-vital - "

She couldn't help it if her eyes glanced down, then back up.

He'd followed the path of her eyes.  "Yeah, I guess that is pretty
non-vital. You're right, you should head on home.  I'm sorry, Scully." 
He headed for the door and opened it, waiting for her.  She didn't
move.  After a long moment, he closed it again.

"I don't think I'm ready to leave yet, Mulder.  Come here, sit down."

"I don't want to discuss Oedipal complexes."

"Don't insult me, Mulder.  I don't believe you have any interest in
your mother in that way.  And for the record, Skinner doesn't believe
that, either.  You're the psychologist; you tell me why you succumbed
to Diana's charms.  If you really don't think it was your idea, what do
you think happened?"

"I could have said no.  God, I wish I'd said no.  Yes, it was nice to
have someone want me, come after me.  Oh hell, I shouldn't say that to
you."

"Of course you can say that to me.  We're - "

"God, don't say friends." He wiped his hand through his hair.  "I don't
want to be just friends, or just partners, or just whatever we are.  I
came very close to kissing you in my hall just before everything
exploded.  We've never talked about that either, have we?"

"You, you were upset.  I'd just said I was quitting and - "

"And this time you demanded a transfer.  Forget Mom, I lose it when I
lose you."

She blinked at that.

"Scully, honesty here, in the hall before that damn bee, what did you
want?"

She wanted to look away; that much was obvious, but she held her
ground.  "I wanted you to kiss me."

His eyes widened in surprise, both that she'd said it and that that was
what she'd wanted.  He reached for her and caught himself just in time.
 Not quite touching her he asked.  "Anything else?"

Her chin when up then and she drew herself up.  "I wanted you to take
me in your apartment and make love with me."

The air whooshed out of him and this time he took her hand.  She gently
disengaged it but didn't bolt.  "Why?  Why didn't you say anything?"

"How did you put it?  Everything exploded.  When we returned . . . "
She shrugged delicately.

He looked down at the hand she'd removed from his grip.  "And now I've
destroyed - "

"No, Mulder, I . . . I don't know exactly how I feel about . . .
everything, but it, we are not destroyed.

"I'm not sure how to slip this into the conversation, but it was safe
sex."

She hesitated a moment.  "Was that your idea?"

"I was told it was unnecessary.  That I didn't believe."

She looked away then.

"Scully?"

"This is not a conversation I ever thought to have with you."

"I'll talk about anything with you, Scully.  Just talk to me."

"Relax, Mulder.  And pick another topic."

"Okay."  He looked around the room and she rolled her eyes, actually
more relaxed than she had been in days.  "This . . . breakdown, did it
scare you?"

"The truth, when I heard you, my first thought was that you were faking
it."

"What?"

"Don't get upset.  I thought that for about 15 seconds.  When I looked
in your eyes, I knew you honestly thought you were in that office
because of your sister."

"Thanks, I think.  Is it better to think I'm unstable?"  Her lips
twitched then and his eyes narrowed.  "I walked into that, didn't I?"

"Well, yes."

The phone ringing startled them both.  She watched his face lose color
as he glanced at the caller ID.

"Diana?"

He nodded.

"You're going to have to talk to her sometime, Mulder."

"Why?"

"Mulder."  She started to rise to give him some privacy, but he grabbed
her wrist.  She sat back but looked at the phone.  "Do you want me to
get it?"

"Yes."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Mulder - "

"I'm a coward, okay?"

She sighed and picked up the receiver.  "Hello?"

"Uh, Agent Scully?"

"Yes."

"Is Fox there?"

"Yes."

Scully could actually feel the woman roll her eyes.  "May I speak with
him?"

"Mulder, it's for you."  It was obvious he was sitting right there.

He took the phone from her.  "Diana?"

"I thought you were going to call me.  I waited for you last night."

"I was with Scully."  He was watching her now.  She met his eyes and
nodded slightly.

"All night?"

"Yeah, all night," he said softly.  "I need to go."  Before she could
protest he broke the connection.

"Mulder - "

"I said everything to her I wanted to.  Are we okay, Scully?"

"We're headed that way."  She watched him take her hand and allowed it
this time, with the hint of a smile on her face.



      Donna 
http://www.donnas-stories.com/ 
   
  "Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in 
private and wash your hands afterwards."

Robert Heinlein

  If every customer who vists Wal-Mart in a week bought one 
long-lasting compact fluorescent (CF) light bulb, that would reduce 
electric bills by $3 billion, conserve 50 billion tons of coal and 
keep one billion incandescent light bulbs out of landfills over the 
life of the bulb. - Fortune Magagine 8/7/06