Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 22:57:56 +1000 From: Ten Subject: NEW: "Run Towards Me, Not Away" (1/2) I would love feedback on my work! (This is more angsty than I've ever got before - I usually have a vein of humour running through...) TITLE: "Run Towards Me, Not Away" (1/2) BY: Ten E-MAIL ADDRESS: kristena@ocean.com.au CATEGORY: S, angst, MSR RATING: PG SUMMARY: After a fight where Scully accuses Mulder of being overprotective, he finds a woman who does need him. TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: *Cancer storyline*, probably best set after "Elegy" for the strain of the situation on the partners. Spoilers for "One Breath", "Herrenvolk", "Teliko", "Never Again", "Small Potatoes", "The Blessing Way", minor "Fire". DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be gained. And a part of this story was also borrowed from an old episode of "Alf" I can remember. So no infringement to whoever produced it either! THANKS: To Debbie, as always, for the editing, and Doctor Crockett for the medical advice. If something's wrong - it ain't their faults! **IMPORTANT NOTE:** While some inhalers can be used in the circumstances that occur below, it is *not* advised unless under medical supervision. So don't try this at home or anywhere else... The X-Files: "Run Towards Me, Not Away" (1/2) by Ten, Posted September 1997 The case was closed. The strangler was behind bars. And Scully would be right in there next to him for exactly the same crime if Mulder didn't leave her alone! All through this case he had been over-protective. Ever since she got the nosebleed in the car coming here. It had been more pronounced than usual and frightened them both. She insisted she was fine; he obviously didn't buy it, but backed off. Then he started another tack, trying in different and subtle ways to enquire about her health, studying her face and complexion as if to judge her fitness. He was touching her even more than usual, not just a guiding hand on the back through doorways, but touching her hand, patting her shoulder and giving her a look that she wanted to avoid. It was night time. Late. They were leaving early in the morning. Scully was packing when the knock came on the motel door. Mulder. Big surprise. "What is it?" she asked wearily. "Um..." He hesitated, then stepped in past her, despite her clear reluctance. "I saw your light on and was wondering if you wanted me to help you pack? Or...if you wanted me to go out for some food - we could have a midnight feast." He shuffled his feet awkwardly on the spot. She knew he'd seen that the lights were on and been worried. But she didn't have the energy to deal with him right now. Her walls were too thin, ready to crack. "No thanks." "Oh." Dana kept her eyes on the clothes she started to transfer out of the drawer. "I'm just going to finish this, and then sleep beckons." "Yeah, you'd better get some sleep." She wanted to throw the suitcase at him. Then a crimson drop landed on the handle. "Scully -" Immediately he came forward, one hand reaching for her cheek, the other pulling out his handkerchief. "STOP IT!" she screamed, knocking his hands away. "Stop hovering!" "But you - I -" He seemed to fold up under her glare. He did back away. "Please let me-" "What I need is to be left alone! My God - you're either too much, or you're miles away after ditching me, either physically or mentally! Just go away and let me deal with this myself!" In that moment, she felt something sever between them. Her soul shrieked from the loss of an integral strength she had forgotten was there, as Mulder's anguished expression turned blank. He disappeared out the door. Scully just watched him go. She didn't hear his door open or close - the next room remained silent. He must be going for a walk. Well, it wasn't raining and she had asked for space. He had his gun and coat, and presumably his cellular in the pocket. The handkerchief lay on the floor. She picked it up and used it to dab under her nose as she went into the bathroom. She knew her friendship with Mulder would not be retrieved so easily. He wandered the streets with no idea how many suburbs or tears were going by. One into the other. His chest ached, his arms and legs... /Go away!/ The woman who was always there by him, when he was injured in mind or body and when he wasn't, she wouldn't let him... Why should she? His injuries were always his fault. And now her cancer was his fault too. But he needed so much to be allowed to help her. A woman wailed. /Scully!/ Even as he raced down the laneway, he knew it wasn't her. A young woman sat hunched against a fence, sobbing and crying out, her arms wrapped around her stomach. Coins were scattered in the gutter. "Ma'am? I'm an FBI agent, are you hurt?" He knelt down beside her, pulling off his coat, taking out his phone. There was a bruise forming on her cheek. She started and screamed. "Ma'am, I'm here to help you! Are you hurt?" She seemed to realise he was not foe. "The baby...I don't know if they hurt the baby..." "Baby?" Mulder had the coat around her shoulders, poised to use his phone. He gave a frantic look around. Had her attackers snatched her baby - then he realised she was pregnant. About seven months by the size of her. She rambled, "I knew it was dark, but I got a craving for donuts and my husband is away and I thought just popping to the shop would be fine...They hit me, took my purse... They ran. What if they've hurt the baby?" Mulder was listening and trying to soothe her all through this, as well as summon help. At first he automatically began punching in Scully's number, then cut it off. /Dana, I wish you were here. This woman needs you. I need you./ He got onto 911, giving his name and remembering to reel off his badge number - the trouble Scully had with the operator when he was immobilised by Aboah was fresh in his mind - while holding the woman as she shook and stammered out answers to his questions. "Owww!" she cried, clutching her stomach, hunching over. Haunted brown eyes turned to him, tears flowing. "I'm losing my baby!" Another pain hit. She grabbed his arm. "It'll be fine," he reassured, stroking her hair. She was clinging to him with one hand, her belly with the other. "You're safe. The baby is safe. I'm not going to let anything happen." He spoke into the phone again, telling them about this complication. The operator asked, "Can you hear the ambulance coming?" "No... Where the hell are they?" he barked. "A unit has been dispatched, sir. Are you an asthmatic?" "No - what the hell kind of question is that?" he exploded. "Salbutamol given intravenously is beneficial in delaying the onset of premature labour - it is also in some inhalers and with one you could start the treatment." "Oh... Um, no, no - I'm not," he repeated. At that moment, Fox Mulder wished with all his heart he was. Any amount of suffering he could have undertaken to be able to help her at that point would have been worth it. The woman didn't have asthma either. The operator told him the pains might well not be labour; adrenalin from the attack and shock could result in tightenings of the uterus which an inexperienced woman could mistake for real contractions. He knew from his questions this was her longest pregnancy - she'd already suffered two miscarriages at early stages. No other children. At least her waters had not broken. Mulder knew that incident would be the point of no return. He and the woman clung to each other as she cried out again. When it ended, he tried to take her mind off the situation by asking something important he'd forgotten in the rush. "I'm Fox Mulder. What's your name?" "Judy...Judy Attwood." He saw the gleam of gold on her left hand. "Where does your husband work, Judy? I'll contact him as soon as I can." "You can't - he's on an oil rig... My Mom! Please call my Mom, she doesn't live far away. I need my Mom!" "Okay, what's her name and number, Judy? We'll get her to come to the hospital and meet you. Anyone else?" "Fox...can you stay with me? Please? I'm so scared." "Of course I will." He ran a hand through her blonde curls again. To his relief, he heard a siren getting closer and closer. There was no time to phone Judy's mother. In the ambulance she reached desperately for him. "Fox! It hurts! I'm losing the baby! I don't want to lose another!" He squeezed her hand and stroked her forehead, trying to keep out of the medics' way. "You're not going to lose this baby, Judy. You're not." The ambulance officers checked her blood pressure, assessed that the foetal heart was still beating, and examined her cervix for sign of bleeding and dilation. She had begun premature labour. Mulder used every ounce of his psychologist's training to keep her as calm as he could, telling her to breathe as they started an I.V. of Salbutamol to stall the labour. "It should settle things down quickly," they were assured. By the time the ambulance arrived at the hospital, the pains were less frequent and less intense. The staff tried to whisk her off and leave him behind, thinking that since he was a hapless bystander, not her partner, he would want to be on his way. But Judy clung to Mulder, screaming for him to stay with her. He was ready to use his badge to ensure this happened. It ended up not necessary; he was allowed, however the security guard did take his gun for safekeeping. Everything had happened so fast, his focus had been entirely on Judy. But now as he hurried alongside the gurney, his mind threw up an unwelcome memory. Himself being dragged down a hospital hall by two security guards, away from Scully's near-lifeless body. Struggling and yelling. "WHO BROUGHT HER HERE? HOW DID SHE GET HERE? ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW! WHO DID THIS TO HER? IF YOU'RE WITH THEM - IF YOU'RE HIDING ANYTHING, I SWEAR I WILL DO ANYTHING..." The staff gave him a medical gown to put on over his clothes, and he turned off his phone so it wouldn't interfere with the equipment. He wished he could turn off the voices in his head too. The labour stopped. Tests showed the baby was unharmed, and apparently ready to wait a few more months to greet the world. Mulder was as relieved as if he were the expectant father. /Father. Mother. Baby. Scully may never have children.../ Still Mulder stayed with Judy. The nurse said she would phone her mother, something which relieved him immensely. He'd had enough of contacting Scully's mother with bad news and didn't want to branch out his clientele. He was certainly not going to leave until her mother showed up. Though it was hard not to run when the young woman was put in a hospital room for observation. He sat holding her hand, gazing at her bruised cheek, and trying to hold the memories back. Too many times. All his fault. What was it going to be like when Scully went into the hospital for the final time? The incident two years ago had been close enough. Then when he knew Scully would be all right, he had driven back to the hospital, sick of repressing his feelings. It was time to tell her how he felt, but as soon as he'd walked into the room and seen her flanked by Margaret and Melissa, it had been impossible. The next time he visited, Scully wanted to get back to normal as fast as possible, happy the X-Files were reopened. So he bit his tongue and was grateful for what he'd been given. Scully was constantly on his thoughts here, with another woman. But after the rush he had no sense of time. Everything seemed to have happened so fast... Judy's mother would come soon and he could then phone Scully or just go back to the motel. He didn't think he would have been missed. Where the hell was he? "If he wants to sulk, then fine, let him sulk!" Dana seethed, pacing. She had been lying in bed, trying to sleep, but really listening for the sound of him arriving back in his room. It hadn't come. "On and on about my health and me needing enough sleep, then he keeps me up all night worried sick!" She froze. An ambulance siren. /Oh God no please not him please/ END PART ONE OF TWO TITLE: "Run Towards Me, Not Away" (2/2) BY: Ten E-MAIL ADDRESS: kristena@ocean.com.au Disclaimer in Part One. No time for pride. Desperate, she tried his cellular. No response. "*Damn*!" Within a minute Dana consulted the directory and was dialling the number of the nearest hospital. "This is Special Agent Dana Scully. Have you admitted or are you about to admit, a man called Special Agent Fox Mulder? ...I heard the siren..." /Dana, a city this big has a lot of sirens going at any one time at night. It might not be an ambulance. It might be a fire siren.../ But she was too panicked and worried to care about logic. "No? A seven year old with a rupturing appendix? You're sure? Oh... Have you had any John Does come in? A body -" she steadied her voice, " - or an injured man with no identification?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "He's six feet tall, brown hair, hazel eyes, a mole on his right cheek -" She was about to ramble into scar territory when the nurse broke in. Negative. She thanked her, terminated the call, then dialled the second closest hospital. Bingo! "Yes, Agent Scully. He's here and -" "How badly hurt is he?" "He's not. He was the labour ward with -" "*What*?!" The police had come and taken their statements. Judy could not give them much of a description of her attackers. When they left, somehow Mulder kept a smile on his face and talked to Judy, watching her drift off to sleep. She was just in a deep sleep when her mother came in. Naturally, the mother went straight for her daughter, temporarily ignoring the saviour. Mulder didn't mind. His time in this role was over. It had been nice to be needed. It was great that Judy and the baby would be fine. Fine... Oh, what a bitter little word. He slipped out of the chair and out the door. In the corridor he was disorientated for a moment. What was the time? A wall clock said it was nearly six. Six in the morning? The flight... They were supposed to be leaving now - the airport was near the next city. Oh God, Scully was going to be furious with him. He pulled his phone out and turned it on, walking down the hall as he did so, intending to make the call outside. He needed air. One of the nurses hailed him from her station as he passed. "Oh, Agent Mulder, your partner is on her way." She saw his confused look. "She rang up the hospital to see if you were here. She heard an ambulance siren and got worried. She wouldn't believe you weren't the emergency." "Thanks. I'm afraid I'm a creature of habit." He realised she must have heard a different ambulance - his little emergency had happened a while ago. And he probably walked so far she wouldn't have heard that siren. /Why is it all right for her to worry about me, but not for me to worry about her?/ He stood in the foyer, absently putting the phone away, looking out the doors. "Fox?" He turned to see Judy's mother hesitantly coming towards him. The same brown eyes in a pale face. "I'm Jemima Grant. I'm sorry, but Judy didn't catch your surname..." "Fox Mulder. Fox is fine." He could tell she wanted to hug him, but she seemed a reserved woman, shy about showing such emotion to a virtual stranger. Understandable. /But what about when you've known someone for five years and they're an emotional blank to you?/ /Well, even to her I'm a stranger,/ he answered himself. "Judy and I would like to thank you for all you've done..." Her lips trembled. "You saved her and my grandchild." /If I could only save Scully.../ Her arms twitched up slightly. He leaned forward and held his arms out, giving her permission. Immediately Jemima buried herself in his arms and sobbed. She kept thanking him over and over. /And thank you for giving me what I need./ So long. So long since anyone had told him he was a good person, that he had done something right, or comforted him. Scully tried, of course, but she was so reserved with her own emotions he hated adding his to her burden. He already put quite enough on her shoulders. And a tumour into her head and an implant in her neck and a tattoo on her back and a bullet in her sister... Jemima led him back into the room, where a more alert Judy hugged him too. He struggled not to cry. Judy said, "If the baby is a boy, I was going to call him Ian, but the least I can do is call him Fox or Ian Fox. If it's a girl...um... What's the feminine of Fox?" "Vixen." They laughed. "Foxette?" he suggested, straightfaced. Then he sobered. "I admit, my first name doesn't mean that much to me. If you would like to use a female name that does - if you like it of course - how about Dana?" "Dana... Oh, that is beautiful." "The name suits the owner," he whispered. He would not cry here; he would not! Jemima considered the choices. "I know Dana can also be a boy's name, but he might get teased. How about Daniel?" "I like that!" Judy enthused. "I'll put them on top of the list and see how it goes. And no more midnight snacks!" Scully would not cry here; she would not! She was standing unnoticed at the open doorway. Even though Mulder had whispered, she heard him. She saw the older woman embrace him again. And she saw the look on Mulder's face as he turned in the hug. The twelve year old boy. A twelve year old boy whose sister had vanished, whose parents cut themselves off from him, who grew into a man, burnt by Phoebe Green yet staying with her because she at least had shown him what he thought was affection, then "Spooky" Mulder isolated and ridiculed. Assigned a spy who became his friend - but a friend who shut herself off. No, that was not fair. That was not entirely true. Mulder was not exactly an open book either. Oh, yes, he wore his passionate beliefs in the X-Files on his sleeve. But everything else was undercurrent. At times the great guilt and pain he carried round did surface, breaking across his face, washing through those eyes. And she would try to reach him, but the tide would scuttle back from her reach. How many times did she find herself standing on that suddenly-deserted beach, her toes bare, ready to comfort only to be rejected? By his mother's hospital bed, was it the factor of shock that made him actually begin to cry in front of her? Unable to hold his grief in any more, he turned to her - yet the tears were only in his eyes, eyes which remained on his mother, as if he couldn't face his partner while asking for her comfort. She reached up and held him, and only when his face was safely hidden in her shoulder did he really break down. She had always wanted to be strong. And she was. Even if sometimes it was just on the outside. To survive parental disproval and the boys' club. A hard and demanding job. To support her partner and live with this disease. But what would continuing to do so, so rigidly, cost her? He wanted them to name the baby Dana. /My name will live on after I'm... Oh, Mulder. We're both at fault here. It has to end, now. I have to prepare you for my death./ She schooled her expression, then knocked on the door as she entered. "Hi, I'm Mulder's partner." She put her arm around his waist, not caring if it was sending the wrong connotation of "partner" to the women. Caught off-guard, his eyes met hers and she saw the pain and threatening tears before his gaze shot to the neutrality of the bedsheets. Instantly Scully was inundated by varying "Isn't he wonderful? Aren't you lucky? He saved us." comments and jumbled introductions. She deliberately had not given her own name and fortunately they didn't realise. She didn't want to be recognised as the namesake, she just wanted to get Mulder out of there. She smiled and kept her arm around her unresponsive partner. She knew he was staring at the sheets, trying to burn a hole in them to dry up the tears before they fell. "I'm very glad you and the baby are all right, Judy. And I'd love to stay and chat, but I've been frantic about Mulder for hours now and he really needs rest." "Oh of course...how selfish of us..." the young woman said. "Not at all. You've all had a lot to deal with. So I apologise for not staying, but we'd better go - I promise we'll get your home details off the desk later on and get in touch." Finally she could steer him out of the room. Once in the hall he immediately stepped out of her hold. /He thinks it's an act.../ she realised. /Or too little too late./ Determined to show him the truth, she held out her arms. "Mulder," she said softly, "I was so worried." "It's okay, Scully. I've received my quota of hugs for the year." Again no eye contact. He swiped at his nose and face with his sleeve, quickly, furtively. "Sorry that you didn't get much sleep - I would have called, but I sorta had my hands full. Let's go to the motel, sack out and catch a much later flight after I check up on Judy. Where's the car?" She watched him reappropriate his gun from the guard. /You're not okay. And I'm not./ The drive was silent. Back at the motel, it was her turn to enter his room when clearly not welcome. "Mulder, please come here." "Why?" he asked tiredly. "Why do you want me to? Is this for you, or do you think I need it? I'm over my little display of before. I know better than to try that again, so don't feel you have to do this. I'm back over the boundary line. All is repressed; we're back to normal." "No, Mulder. We need to talk about this. I'm serious." He faced her squarely. "With the walls down?" "Yes." "Okay. Let's test it then. How are you?" She should have expected it, yet those dreaded words made her flounder. "I'm fine." His grin was bitter. "Funny, I could have sworn I just ran smack into a wall." Pause. "I *am* fine..." She wanted to add "now I know you're safe". She wanted to steer this talk; to be in the driver's seat. But no more words came. "I think this conversation is at an end," he said in disgust. "It's clear we're as perfectly dysfunctional as ever." "Please, Mulder. This is about you. What you went through tonight. How you're feeling." "Then when the hell is it going to be about YOU?" he yelled. At her flinch, he whispered, "How you feel is how I feel. And we are not fine! I'm dying here too! You are my life, Scully." "No...You said the X-Files were your life." "That doesn't mean I want them to be. You are the love of my life." The thing she most wanted to hear and the thing she dreaded most. "I'm tired of pretending it's fine," he said unsteadily. There was a pause. He shrugged. "You wanted to know how I was feeling." Her nightmare was coming true. "I can't..." "I think this conversation really is at an end." He opened the door and stood waiting for her to exit. The tide going out again. She didn't move. "Don't! Sam is your life." "She is a very big, very important part of my life and I love her so much and want her back. But she stopped being the centre of my life a long time ago." "I don't want to be the centre of your life. Sam has to be the centre!" she begged. "Why?" he cried out, slamming the door, looking confused and angry. "Because - because when I die...you'll be able to go on. You'll still have Sam to look for." She prepared to say the hardest words she'd ever uttered. She forced them out before they choked her. "I don't want your love, Mulder...because it's so strong - I'm afraid that when I die, you will follow." For a second he looked stricken that she was rejecting his feelings, then clearly realised her great worry. And her great feelings in return. Her fears were justified when he nodded calmly. "You're right. I will follow." "I don't want you to die," she said. "And I don't want *you* to." "Please don't love me. Just love me as a friend, Mulder. Think of your sister. I want you to find her. I wanted to help find her, but I don't think I can finish the search with you. I'm sorry. But I'll be still around, in you, in the baby... and that makes me very happy." His expression was agonised. She knew what she was asking. There was no choice. She wanted to run out in the streets yelling with joy that she was Fox Mulder's world... She couldn't. She had to make Samantha the linchpin once more. He spoke in a monotone. "If that's what you want...then that is what I give." /Oh God. Is the situation any better than when we first stepped in here?/ The effort to be strong was so hard now. And time was running out. Is this the way she wanted it to remain? "Mulder, stop. God, we're really impossible, aren't we?" He gave her a puzzled, shattered look. "Almost every time in our partnership when you or I need to open up, one of us runs away. Usually the person who needs the comfort or to let out the fear. I'm very guilty of that. Then when I *am* ready to accept help or give it, you bolt. Supernatural timing. Let's run towards each other, Mulder. Not away. Not now." She held out her arms. "For me. For you. For us." He hesitated, then slowly came towards her. Sea coming in to shore. Blood flowed. He froze at the sight, still a few metres from her. /What now?/ he thought. Would this slam the walls back up? /Just how much permission has she given me?/ She touched her lip and stared at her fingers. Stared at him. "I - um..." She stumbled away from him, hand out to ward him back. "I'll just -" She gestured towards the bathroom, then appeared to remember she wasn't in her room. Her eyes darted to the front door and he knew she was about to flee. He couldn't help his face breaking open. But in obedient agony, he stood. Then she stopped. Looked at him. She lowered the barring hand and took a deep breath that seemed to draw air into his own lungs. "I need your help," she whispered. He closed his eyes and struggled not to burst into tears at those miraculous words. Only for a few seconds. Then he came and cupped Scully's cheek, then held her shoulders, not pulling her into a full hug because he knew she would resist - she wouldn't want to get the blood on him. He began searching through his pockets. She held up an already stained handkerchief. His handkerchief. Squashed in a way which clearly showed she had clutched it like a talisman or life buoy all through a long night. He closed his fingers over hand and handkerchief, and led her to get another out of his suitcase. He wiped tenderly under her nose, then led her into the bathroom to clean it up. There she sat on the edge of the bath as he squatted before her, giving a few pats to dry her lip. She leaned forward and took his head in her hands. She kissed him soundly on the forehead. "I want your love. And I accept it. I'm just so scared..." He hugged her tightly. "We're together now. Not working against each other." She wrapped her arms around him and whispered in his ear how much she loved him. Scully soothed his crying and told him if he could see her blood, she could see his tears. He hesitated, safely buried in her neck. Then he raised his face, showing her, giving her permission. And the strength was there again. Both could feel it. Renewed, reconnected, and more powerful than ever. They were saved, all blame and burden lifted. Better than fine. END PART TWO OF TWO